Honesty & Dating: How Much is Too Much?

By Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan for YourTango.com.

Recently, in an article by Ken Page, LSCW, featured in Psychology Today, he spelled out seven skills helpful in the search to find love. This list encourages singles to go beyond the usual, superficial criteria many use to choose a partner. His tips are:

1. Look at the whole person, not just particular qualities you are seeking.

2. Notice the connection and how you feel around the person.

3. Go for attraction to a person who inspires you, versus someone who’s hard to get.

More from YourTango: 10 Dating Tips I Wish I’d Followed While I Was Single

4. Avoid your urge to walk away from a nice guy.

5. Hold off on intimacy until you know the person better.

6. Show your interest instead of playing it cool.

7. Share what inspires you.

Page explains that when you ignore your inner, potentially superficial checklist, you improve your ability to connect with a good partner — which is one of life’s biggest challenges. Page feels most dating advice is not only shallow, but also detrimental to the process. His suggestions help you build intimacy and provide a more mature way to date and assess your love prospects.

As a dating coach for women, I applaud Ken’s suggestions — with the exception of one. His sixth tip encourages daters not to play it cool and instead let your feelings show. He points to research indicating a good way to transition from dating into something more serious is to let the person know how you feel.

I strongly disagree! So much depends on who is doing the sharing, and at what stage of dating. While I understand Page’s intentions, this tip is likely to be misunderstood and cause problems.

Dating Is Like Playing Poker

I equate dating to playing poker, where being cool and not showing your hand are essential to winning. During the initial early dating phase, the last thing a person should do is tell the man how much she likes him. This is too much honesty and an innocent, but devastating mistake that can drive your date away and turn him off.

More from YourTango: Dating Tips And Advice

Express Yourself Without Being Direct

What works best in navigating the dating world is learning how to express your interest without being direct. My advice is to praise a partner for the things you like about him or her. For example, if you love your date’s sense of humor, tell them. If you like their choice of restaurants, let them know. Sharing your positive feedback lets a romantic interest know they’re on the right track to pleasing and impressing you without threatening.

Avoid Looking Desperate

No matter how old-fashioned this dating advice seems, most partners today still want to feel like dating you is their idea. They don’t want any pressure, particularly before getting invested in winning you over. I’ve seen people suffer after expressing their feelings, buying gifts, or doing too many nice things for the a partner too early on. Often, people interpret this as “chasing” them and it can make you look desperate — not something you want your date to think about you.

More from YourTango: Are You Letting Past Relationship Shame Hinder Your Happiness?

Don’t Be Like The Nice Guys Who Finish Last

If you want to do little nice things, like share a newspaper article, tell them to have a good day or sweet dreams, or buy them a single token gift (under $10) because it was something you discussed, that’s fine. However, keep it low-key and infrequent so you don’t risk chasing away a great connection by appearing too interested. Think of it this way: when you meet a girl or guy who is too nice, you want to run, right? Keep that in mind when you feel the urge to share your feelings or shower a person with gifts before the time is right.

Are you struggling to find love? As a dating coach for women over 40, I can help with proven and practical dating methods that have helped thousands. Get more tips in my FREE book 5 Big Turnoffs That Drive Men Away. Let me help you find love with the right person as quickly as possible and avoid the many potential pitfalls along the way.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Dating, Seduction And Honesty: What’s The Right Road To Love?.


Panchali Yapa
Panchali Yapa3 years ago

Thank you

Wisteria K.
Past Member 4 years ago

Thanks. Love is a complicated thing

Shannah Slagle
Shannah Slagle4 years ago


sandra j.
sandra j4 years ago

..oh and p.s
keep the games...I don't wanna play!

sandra j.
sandra j4 years ago

I am who I am....if I can't show them "me" in the begining,..what would make me think the relationship would get better down the road!
Take me as I am......or not

Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson4 years ago

thanks.. i am a fly by the seat of my pants type, and its worked for me

Karen Gee4 years ago

Thank you for sharing.

Steve McCrea
Steve McCrea4 years ago

I am with Vicki P - if they can't handle who you are, you don't want them. On the other hand, some "players" will gather up information about you and use it to pretend they "relate" to you or agree with you about everything as a means of softening you up. So I agree not to share too many intimate details of your life too soon. But if something bothers you, or you want to know or do something, I think being very direct is always best. If the person doesn't like you being assertive, he may very well be a control freak looking for a willing victim!

---- Steve

Elaine A.
Elaine Al Meqdad4 years ago

Very well done article and the first tips are right on the money!

Alfonso Lopez
Alfonso Lopez4 years ago

Thanks for posting