Managing Marriage Stress Starts with Self

While having a long, happy marriage is one of the predictors of longevity and a source of great meaning and fulfillment in our lives, getting married often registers as one of the most stressful major events we can experience. Sustaining happiness over the bumpy road of decades together is no easy task, either. The potential stressors in a long-term romantic relationship are myriad: wondering if this is the right person, financial insecurity, wedding planning, jealousy, differing styles of managing money, sex and intimacy issues, infidelity, parenting, in-laws, overloaded schedules, health crises…

All too often, it’s easy to react to marital stress in counterproductive ways like denial, avoidance, suppression, compromising, venting, living like roommates instead of partners.

According to several recent studies, a stressful marriage can create more health problems for someone than if they had never married at all. Another suggests that a stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit!

To keep your marriage or long-term relationship low-stress, strong and happy, it’s critical to learn to manage your attitudes and emotions and lead with your heart – from that intelligent, self-secure place inside, where wisdom, intuition and understanding reside.

Stress indicates something’s out of balance. Your number one responsibility is to take care of yourself. To address the relationship issues you face with clarity, you need to get back in balance to adequately access your mental and intuitive faculties. In the moment of stress, learning to reset and go to ease can make all the difference between a happy marriage and misery, or even divorce. It’s about getting your heart and brain aligned so your intuition can speak, something we’ve taught thousands to do, including many certified marriage and family therapists. Here are some tips for a stress-reduced marriage or relationship from HeartMath:

  • Developing a healthy, mature relationship with yourself and learning to self-manage your reactions is the number one way we’ve found to manage the stress of a relationship. When we can handle ourselves well, then we are more able to have an effective relationship with another person.
  • Spend more alone time together. Many couples get so busy that they lead separate lives and understandably feel disconnected. Schedule regular dates and show your spouse they’re a priority.
  • Learn HeartMath’s Quick Coherence technique to get you into heart-brain coherence quickly when you feel conflict rising.
  • Read HeartMath’s article on Improving Relationships and download HeartMath’s Improving Relationships ebooklet for more helpful guidance.
  • Put away the electronic devices that keep your attention off of your spouse. One that will actually bring you closer together is HeartMath’s emWave® 2, our award-winning stress-busting tool. Using this feedback device to get into heart coherence, you and your spouse can transform volatile fights into meaningful discussions that bring insight and resolution to your issues.

Young Couple in Park

The most beneficial thing therapists who prescribe the emWave2 to their marriage counseling clients have discovered is for each of the parties to use the emWave2 device to get into heart coherence before they start talking with each other. The John Gottman Institute, which specializes in teaching MFTs and others to use best practices in relationship therapy, often recommend using the emWave2 as it helps make it easier to speak to and understand one’s partner when one is calm and centered.

When I was an advisor to The Dr. Phil Show, they would send people to us for training. They asked HeartMath to work with a couple they had on their show who were on the brink of divorce. I taught them Quick Coherence and other HeartMath techniques and provided each one with an emWave2 to first get in sync within themselves, and then with each other during communications. With some coaching, they totally transformed themselves and their marriage with these tools.

Knowing that you have tools available and skills you and your spouse can learn to handle whatever comes along in your relationship and lives should give you confidence that you can have a long-term, happy marriage. Other than that, all you need is love!

Emotions give meaning to our lives.  The power of emotion can enrich our lives beyond measure – meaning, color, texture.  Understanding the power of your emotions is vital for having a fulfilling, healthy life.  Click to receive this Free e-booklet, The Power of Emotion.


Magdalena C.
Past Member 2 years ago

Thank you!

Deborah W.
Deborah W4 years ago

... unless its become obvious over time you've got nothing to work with, then bail.

Natasha Salgado
Past Member 4 years ago

Best way to manage marriage stress is to NOT marry!

Genoveva M.
Genoveva M4 years ago

"Starts with self?" Yes, but takes two to tangle, so the solution should be a must share..
Thanks Deborah for sharing.

Deborah W.
Deborah W4 years ago

How limiting ... everything starts with self.

Elena T.
Elena Poensgen4 years ago

Thank you :)

Jody B.
Jody B4 years ago


Virginia Belder
Virginia Belder4 years ago


Patricia H.
Patricia H.4 years ago

thanks for posting

Christine W.
Christine W4 years ago

Thanks for posting.