‘Sex Should Come Naturally’ is Nonsense

It never fails. I post a blog and someone responds in the comments with something like this: “sex comes naturally. If you need instructions on how to enjoy it, something’s very wrong.” Whenever I read a comment like that, it takes everything I have inside of me not to respond in one long and very loud rant. Sure, the sexual response may be inborn in most of us, just like eating. But we see nutritionists, watch food experts talk on PBS, and we buy books on dieting and nutrition. The same goes for exercise. How many yoga studios and private trainers are there in the world? Isn’t moving our bodies natural? Truly, I could go on and on. So what is it about getting support, education and training for our sex lives that rattles our cage so much?

Is it the urban legend that great lovers are born not made? Or that there is something very broken about us if we feel like we need support around our sexuality?

Here are the facts: We are all born to grope. Just like we are all born to put food in our mouths, chew and swallow. But if you want to become the sexual master of your own being, that may require more effort than waking up aroused! It’s just that most people really don’t know where to turn for education, support and training around their sexuality. Even the words “education” and “sex” together just feels wrong to many people. It’s seem so….teenage!

Seeing a sex therapist can unfortunately feel like something is wrong with you, and learning from pornography where many people get their sexual information is simply a bad idea.

But the fact is that exploring our own sexual nature for many complicated reasons can feel like a big risk. We do need to be sufficiently supported to learn and take on new explorations which can feel to many of us like risk taking on the most intimate of levels. That is why there is a new profession, Sexological Body Work.

It fills a very important gap in adult sexual learning, and is taught by a new crop of sex education professionals called Somatic Sex Educators. I just like to call myself a Sexuality and Intimacy Coach.

I totally understand that you need support in order to take risks. I am a queen risk taker, and I never jump alone.

Anytime we go outside of our own sexual box, we are taking a risk. But without risk, there can be no growth or expansion. And if you don’t get support and try to go on a great big sexual adventure on your own, you might meet up with risk’s kissing cousin – recklessness.

So today, under “Screw Natural Sex: I Want To Be The Sexual Master of My Own Life – Give Me An Advanced Degree,” I would like to let you in on a secret.

Women all over the country are staking a claim on pleasure for health and healing. And guess what? They are getting help. That includes the sex kittens and their older sisters, the sex goddesses. In increasing numbers, women are finding answers in the hands of professional sexual healers. Though it remains a subterranean phenomenon, sexual healing is breaking through the frozen ground of taboo.

Dr. Christiane Northrup, physician, best-selling author and internationally renowned women’s health expert commented, “Up until very recently, hands-on sexual healing has been cloaked in secrecy, shame, and misunderstanding. But a bold new group of courageous pioneers such as Pamela Madsen is leading the way toward a deeper, richer understanding of women’s sexual pleasure as a force for health and healing that positively affects all areas of their lives. The new feminism includes embracing our erotic power, and hands on sexual healing in the right setting can be a very effective way to accomplish this.”

I have been told that I am an “unlikely avatar of desire and pleasure, an Everywoman – a plump, middle-aged housewife, married with two kids, living a middle class life in the Bronx. But with her new book, she’s opening the floodgates of a new national dialogue about integrated female sexuality and well being. She has emerged as the only client of sexual healers to speak publicly about the transformational and healing power of one-way touch and sensual pleasure.”

So maybe my “coming out” is a bit unprecedented! So maybe I am the first. Perhaps. But what I am finding is that the more that I come out and talk to other women, I am finding an overwhelmingly large group of women who are hungry to learn how they too can own and harness their sexuality.

My story has brought an influx of mail from women who feel shut down and cut off from their own bodies and want to taste the freedom of pleasure again – or maybe for the first time. The letters are filled with women talking about how trapped they feel behind the barbed wire fence of shame, guilt, fear and resentment as they struggle to break free. They want to know how to find safe sexual healing with an experienced professional without ditching their lives.

The truth is I got the courage to share my story because, even before I went public, I knew that I wasn’t alone. I was meeting other women like just like myself at workshops and conferences. It made me wonder how widespread “hands-on sexual healing” was becoming. Since there were no official studies, I reached out to sex therapists, women’s health specialists and family therapists to find out if in fact their patients were approaching them with questions about hands-on sexual healing. These practitioners confirmed that not only were women coming to them, they wanted referrals.

Clearly, hands-on sexual healing is slowly seeping into the mainstream. After all, HBO has the hit series Hung. Ray, the protagonist, may call himself a gigolo, but he usually winds up providing a profound experience that most of his clients crave.

Once I got over my shame – and lived to tell about it – I discovered that desire is natural and pleasure is transformational. That needing support around my innate sexuality was natural!

Allowing pleasure into your life isn’t narcissistic, id-driven or the function of a personality disorder. It is, in fact, a path to wholeness. Pleasure helps mend many wounds from body image and depression to the infamous low libido. Sometimes all we need is an expert guide to lead us to the mine of gold we already have inside of us.

I have been on a fabulously funny, sexy, wonky, and totally amazing journey through a world that so many people just whisper about. I came home transformed. In my world the hands-on sexual healers are called Sexological Bodyworkers and they have a professional organization and guidelines to follow. HBO may have “Happiness Consultants.” Whatever the name, paid sexual healing services are in increasing demand. Maybe if a doctor could write a prescription, it wouldn’t be underground anymore. But based on my own informal research, I can tell you, it won’t be sub rosa much longer, and I can’t think of anything more natural than that.


Magdalena J.
Past Member 3 years ago

Thank you!

Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson5 years ago

it came naturally to me lol

Dale Overall

To me, the most disgusting thing in the world can be many things, be it genocide, rape, murder, abuse of parents, children, war, greed...so many things. How can anyone equate sex with being the most disgusting thing in the world unless one is drilled with religious beliefs or was perhaps te victim of a crime. When there is love and tenderness or just plain hanky panky, sex can be a wonderful thing. If it is rape, then it is not real sex, just power and crime.

Milkah Savage
Past Member 5 years ago

I don't think its nonsense. Sex should be natural bewteen to consenting adults. But than again sex to some is like ice cream, which is a better flavor vanilla or strawberry ?. Me Ill take cookies and cream with lots of sprinkles.

Kynthia R.
Kynthia Rosgeal5 years ago

One thing is stop teaching abstinence as sex education.

Teach youngsters about how the body works. Why a young man should not be ashamed at a spontaneous erection, why a young lady shouldn't feel dirty or ashamed of menses. How there is more to the action of sex than just sticking it in and leaving a sticky mess.

But, well, we have moral buttwads in this country who feel giving education to children is going to have them making babies every single second of the day.

I grew up with a very vivid sex education, it was called farming. And no, It did NOT make me wish to copulate with the first available stranger I could find (watch a cow birth sometime - it will make you rethink pregnancy for a while)

Patricia H.
Patricia H.5 years ago

interesting post

Angela N.
Angela N5 years ago

thanks for posting

Lika S.
Lika P5 years ago

plus, hey, lets face it. Men who love their wives really want us to enjoy sex with them! So I don't understand why so many of us are feeling guilty that we want to have pleasure? If a woman is making you feel that way, she's probably jealous. If your man is trying to make you feel that way, he doesn't really love you. find a new one.

Lika S.
Lika P5 years ago

Well, sex is like food. We don't get born naturally knowing how to do either one. But, as we grow, we learn what we like to eat, and then learn how to cook it. Sex is the same way, and you need to let your partner know what you like.

Groping can be fun, and when you're either intuitive or know how to pay attention, you learn what is good vs. better vs. not so hot.

Sure, if you only know how to cook one way, you take cooking lessons, but, hey, it's not like there is going to be another guy or gal to say, "Here, come learn how to take my clothes off and take advantage of me, so you can learn to please your husband/wife". Or is the therapist supposed to come into your bedroom to explain what is going right and what is going wrong? Sex therapists can only give you pointers, and advice. The rest is up to the individual or couple to figure the rest out.

Talya Honor
Talya H5 years ago

Thanks for the article!