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Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology

Offbeat  (tags: americans, bizarre, business, culture, environment, funny, humans, humor, interesting, off-beat, society )

- 3425 days ago -
Clearly there have been some privacy concerns as of late, and judging by some of the search terms we've seen, along with the tens of thousands of personal e-mail exchanges and Google Chat conversations we've carefully examined - ONION ALERT! HUMOR! -


We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.


Yvonne White (229)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:09 pm
LOL! Scarey funny!

Carole Sarcinello (338)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:10 pm

Okay, folks. You've already been forewarned that this is satire -- so, when you get an email from your gullible friends telling you that you'll soon be receiving a check from Google -- remember this (and you won't have to Snopes it)!

"In an effort to make up for years of alarmingly invasive service, Google will automatically add $50 to all American bank accounts as a gesture of goodwill."

Good one, Kit!

Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:17 pm
I do think this will be my last warning about The Onion, come on guys, learn what's fun - life's long or is that backwards??? Any way I was fortunate and have already received my check from google for $500.00 because I also use the google tool bar.

Carole - stop giving a spoiler alert, gosh now they won't even bother to use snopes!

Carole Sarcinello (338)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:19 pm

I'm sorry, Kit. (NOT! I'm sick of getting hoaxed, then having to apologize for forwarding them.)


Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:26 pm
Sending a Green Star is a simple way to say "Thank you"
You cannot currently send a star to Just because you have done so within the last week.

Sending a Green Star is a simple way to say "Thank you"
You cannot currently send a star to Yvonne because you have done so within the last week.

About the hoaxes - chill out folks no one did it to cause harm only to send a warning - use them or not.

Now back to the humor - just remember if you don't read, note, comment and forward you will not get your check. It's just the rules google set up!


pam w (139)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:27 pm
I'm sooooo excited about my refund!


You mean....(sob) it's not TRUE? You mean....I'm greedily GULLIBLE?


Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:34 pm
nah, Pam my checks in the bank I just know all of us will be getting nice refunds. What say we all meet in NYC just as soon as those checks clear the bank. Have a great lunch stay in suites at the Plaza, great dinners and a show all on Google!

Odin Torchwood (45)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:34 pm
Truly amazings and yes it was funny but serious t'...ang on, how did you know I couldn't send you a green star? I di,... Oh, It says Yvonne, sorry about that wee yrror. Heh heh . Thank you Kit

Odin Torchwood (45)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:40 pm
I haven't received my cheque (check) for using the Google toolbar but then I live in Europe and may not qualify for it.. Simples .

Vanda H (459)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:41 pm
Thanks Kit..Noted..But gee I already was thinking of where I was going to spend the 50 bucks! Shucks! goes on!

Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 5:54 pm
Sending a Green Star is a simple way to say "Thank you"
You cannot currently send a star to White Wolf because you have done so within the last week.

Sending a Green Star is a simple way to say "Thank you"
You cannot currently send a star to Odin because you have done so within the last week.

Don't worry I just know all that money will be rolling in any moment now....soon ...very soon!

Fiona Ogilvie (562)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 6:11 pm
That is not comforting news, dear friend.

Shailja Mukhtyar (90)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 6:31 pm
You will never know, in this electronic age, who is watching you....

. (0)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 10:16 pm
They know where I live. God help me, they know where I live.........

Carmen S (69)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 10:18 pm
Ignorance is bliss

Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 10:26 pm
Could it be that Lindsey just realized that google earth was designed for tracking the peasants? How else are they to know where to send the checks?

. (0)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 10:28 pm
And, what's worse, KIT knows where I live.....

Kit B (276)
Thursday March 4, 2010, 10:52 pm
And peeking out the window is not going to make me not watch! I know what you're doing! Of course Miss Kitty knows - she knows all.

Elm Morrison (357)
Friday March 5, 2010, 2:05 am

I've always been a fan of the onion site. Does anyone remember the story of how his little volkswagen (beetle) car got a dragon painted on it?

Thank you Kit, thank you. Post more please.

Alexa R (319)
Friday March 5, 2010, 3:50 am
How did the beetle(volkswagen) get a dragon painted on it?

Ps. my first time on the onion site . . .

. (0)
Friday March 5, 2010, 10:49 am
LOL Kit, Google should be able to afford more than $50, I wonder if they're taking into account the exchange rate.

Jan Billy Pedersen (43)
Friday March 5, 2010, 11:52 am

La Loba L (49)
Friday March 5, 2010, 7:59 pm
Funny one, KIt. However, I have to add a bit to Bee Hive Lady's post.. she and we were burned out of our homes by someone who knew who we are, but who we did not know who they were. There *is* way too much information about people everywhere. By now, most everyone should know that. I was also concerned when I could easily pinpoint my Mom's house among a lot of other retired folks, and the site listed her as "widowed", meaning she lived alone.. there was a whole string of widows in the neighborhood who were targeted for burglary.

Jason away studying common law (18)
Saturday March 6, 2010, 12:23 am
As equally funny as is it terrifying.... If people only understood the half of it.. They really would be running around frantically unplugging everything in sight before locking themselves inside bathrooms across the country, rocking slowly back and forth while chanting "I am safe, I am safe", over and over again.... What a great writer the onion has tho. Well done and so entertaining! Being who I am and knowing what I know, I can only laugh for so long before the laughs turn to tears.... The truth is, the technologies being used for intelligence gathering are so far advanced, none of you would ever believe it.. 1 example I'll leave you all with if you think this all stops in the home or off the PC. Next time you buy a new car have a look at the current generation of computers that are CURRENTLY running them.... Then look at the software being installed.... Then make sure you really understand how GPS and a good Data Logger working in concert with some of good old Uncle Sam's NSA tracking software can and is being used to convict people (among other various things) in court rooms right now.
Well, Im off to check for that $50.00 in my bank account after I take my anti-anxiety medication.......

Deanna Zimmerman (74)
Saturday March 6, 2010, 3:20 pm
What a hilarious apology. Thanks Kit.

Wendye Kolles (58)
Saturday March 6, 2010, 10:59 pm
Getting something for nothing - too good to be true! Apologies can't undo the damage.
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