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Activist Judge Cancels Christmas


Offbeat  (tags: americans, bizarre, children, culture, custom, environment, funny, humans, humor, off-beat, society, unusual )

Kit
- 3099 days ago - theonion.com
A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless. "Our hearts go out to the Americans -->



   

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Kit B (276)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 1:45 pm
WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

"In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded."

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Felices Fiestas" if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. "Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"

Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."

Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.

"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so."

Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to the United States and its retail stores.

The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.

"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."

America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal, activist rulings.

"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said. "I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her."

Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot.

A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.

"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this time."

Onion news***
 

. (0)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 3:35 pm
In the End, they will not win trying to wash Christianity out of this country. Both the United States and Christianity will survive and be Stronger than ever. You cannot "cancel" what people have in their hearts!
 

Terry King (113)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 4:13 pm
Amen!
 

patricia lasek (317)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 4:25 pm
It's a satire, people! Lighten up.
 

Terry King (113)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 4:50 pm
Irony...
 

Mary L (132)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 6:51 pm
Why is it that every year Christians scream that everyone is attacking them? I really don't get it. In fact I might suspect they are either paranoid or it's a plot to increase their hold on this country.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnANjNNcsHg It's perfect.
 

Eternal G (734)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 7:24 pm
Hmm, I really can't disagree with him!
 

Linda G (187)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 9:43 pm
Great laughs! Thanks Kit.
 

Kathy Chadwell (354)
Thursday December 23, 2010, 11:44 pm
In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Felices Fiestas" if they wish to extend good tidings.

And it's my constitutional right to say to hell with him. Time to throw him out of office.
How dare he try to dictate to Americans. We don't listen.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY:)
 

KS Goh (0)
Friday December 24, 2010, 12:26 am
Thanks for the article.
 

Kit B (276)
Friday December 24, 2010, 5:21 am

huh oh, Here we go again. The Onion news is not REAL, it a satire of news, a commentary of American
life to allow us to laugh at ourselves - to not take things so very seriously. If this offended, I'm sorry about that but I will continue to post things from Onion and other sources that ask us to clam down and laugh a little.


Happy Holidays and I wish you peace.
 

. (0)
Friday December 24, 2010, 5:27 am
Thanks, Kit.
 

Vallee R (280)
Friday December 24, 2010, 6:45 am
Figured it wasn't true from the beginning - but he has a point. However, then EVERY celebration of a religious manner would have to be forbidden not just Christmas. Thanks for the laugh Kit!
 

Joy W (100)
Friday December 24, 2010, 7:04 am
Noted, thanks.
 

Robert O (12)
Friday December 24, 2010, 12:37 pm
Thanks.
 

Barb K (1685)
Friday December 24, 2010, 2:35 pm
Whew! You had me fooled there for a minute, Kit! Merry Christmas everyone!
 

Iain Parkes (0)
Friday December 24, 2010, 5:10 pm
It is a shame it isn't real, Americans really need to realise that their god is just made up! There is no god and the bible is a work of fiction! (badly writen fiction at that!)

 

. (0)
Monday December 27, 2010, 1:10 pm
Ŕ la lanterne!!
 

Jae A (316)
Tuesday December 28, 2010, 3:31 am
Christmas has ust been cancel...until next year...but Santa is forever.
 

Jeannette A (137)
Tuesday December 28, 2010, 8:34 am
Too much basic truth about the politics of deceit to be comfortable. At least we have been left with "Happy New Year" so far. I wonder how that can be made into a politically incorrect statement?
 
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