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anonymous The Truth About My Experience With DV! October 09, 2006 10:22 AM

my dear members and friends.

I am going to be completely honest with you when I say that I was once a child living in a house...seeing DV happen everyday...for many many years. I was and still seeing it in my mind..( tho I havent gone mad from it..) so vividly...as I watch my own father beat my brother.mother and others when he was drunk and heavy on pills for his hypertension.

I watched it all BUT never became a victim of such physical abuse.Just mental abuse. Because I am by nature a very sensitive and emotional person...you can imagine what impression all these events had on me as a boy. Very traumatic. I have since, re-joining Care always wondered if I should start a group like this...becoz I know...it too well.

These sort of things dont ONLY happen to women, wives and daughters...at the hands of men/fathers/uncles but ALSO but ALSO to sons/husbands/brothers.

In my case...I watched. I watched it ALL. I think for years I wasnt quite normal. I became regressed. I kept all my feelings of anger/fear/agression INSIDE me. It became very hard for me to express my feelings to anyone.I was a bottle ready to blow up!!

And I blew up...MANY TIMES over many years...I became self destructive to myself most of all. It ruined my chances to complete alot of my music studies overseas.I blew many chances in my recent past also!!

I was scared of my father. I was scared and fearful to stand up to anything or anyone. I wasnt confident. I harboured all these thoughts...I harboured all my anger. I rn away from home a few times. The last I NEVER RETURNED. I ended up living my life alone ..with friends..but never really HEALING inside until much later in life.

I saw the shrink a few times. Nothing worked seemingly. Thoug now I know for a fact that I just wouldnt let anythin work for me. There seemed NO SOLUTION!!.

My father has passed away. Two years ago. I was living and working in Brunei at the time father passed away. I never attended his funeral. I didnt want to. Can you imagine that? I hope you can. Maybe you cant?.

I am still trying to come to terms with my past. I used to blame my father - my parents...but I am reaching a threshold in my life at 44 years old. I have been married for over 20 years now with two teenage children. My wife was also abised by her mother who is still alive but a confirmed mental case - hate to put it that way BUT I must!

As you can see..I have first hand experience in DV. BUT dont get me wrong..I am neither proud of having been a witness and bearing the MENTAL scars...nor happy to open my heart to you all. I hope you will understand..that luckily for me..I had and have ONE very vital escape...MUSIC.

So..inward thinking I used to be..now I am over the last decade...improving..less angry inside..and seeking inner peace with myself and my surviving mother.

Some of you may be thinking now..."whoa!!..Ross told us all this. It must not be easy to reveal this kind of things.." You would be right to say or think that!!

IT IS NOT EASY. But the main reason why I have in this thread..is becoz I believe we need to help others.We cannot afford to sweep this under the carpet any longer. It is often ignored. It is always thought in some countries to be TABOO!

ITS NOT TABOO!! Its is a very real and dangerous fact! Sometimes...I wish I was the one who got physically abused...instead of watching...mentally and visually suffering IN SILENCE!

I thank my wife,children and my faith in the ALMIGHTY..for seeing me through the toughest parts of my life..when if not for God's grace..I think I would have died two times...if those suicidal attempts on my part had be SUCCESSFUL!!.

Phew...this is probably one of the few times..I have opened up like this and I must admit I hope it will or can be some help to others?.

Thanks for reading this.

P.S. If anyone else has similar or other stories to share with us all here..please do so. I am all ears and I am sure you will have all the moral support you need. I do not claim to be an expert on this issue but I do claim to know WHAT IT REALLY IS LIKE AND FEELS LIKE...and the after effects it may have on the rest of your life unless you are willing to cleanse the past..and live a normal life. Sometimes it wont be easy. Most times it will be very hard to come through.
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anonymous  October 09, 2006 4:31 PM

Thank you, Ross for sharing your story with us. And, NO this is not an easy thing to do. It is quite hard to do, and I applaud you for speaking out.

I will tell you little bit of my story. Evey cruel, sickening thing you could imagine has been done to me. I lived with this for 4 years...4 years of hell. this man....and I use that term loosely, would fly into rages in a split second. It was always "my fault". That is quite common with abuse. It's never the abusers fault. We are pushing them to do this! Yes, we all know it's a load of crap, but they truely believe this in their sick heads.

I know I'm going all over the board here, I am sorry. This is very hard for me to do. Please bare with me. Most of my attacks came at night...while I was asleep! What a coward, huh?!! to this day, I still cant sleep. I am up & down all night. I sleep very light too.I was always afraid to fall asleep, in fear of being attacked. And, oh, the nightmares, I still have them. terrible ones.

I do not like violence in any form. I cant even watch a football game, without wincing. My life has been forever changed by some brutal, pittiful excuse of a man.

I'm sorry, I have to quit for now. Maybe I will tell you more another time.

Thank you all for listening, and for caring.

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Difficult to Do October 09, 2006 4:43 PM

Hi Ross and Sandy,

I truly understand your past painful experiences and believe me I know how hard it is to open up and let it out. For me, opening up and sharing with other's with similiar experiences has been very helpful. Like lancing a wound and letting out the infection and poison and then comes the cleansing and healing process.

You are very brave to talk about the abusive behaviour and my therapists have always said, "It's nothing I did, I was just an object to the abuser, something, not someone. We have survived and that is the main thing, and we still have the capacity to love and be loved. We are survivors, and if I can ever help anyone in anyway, just let me know.

Love and Prayers and Big Hugs!  Simply Vee

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anonymous  October 09, 2006 4:44 PM

Ross, Please move this where you think best. I just thought in case some one needs help now, I'd post this

At the National Domestic Violence Hotline… We believe that every caller deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. We believe that every family deserves to live in a world free from violence. We believe that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society.

Until the violence stops, the hotline will continue to answer…One Call at a Time. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

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 October 09, 2006 5:00 PM

I can feel the pain from both of you and I am here if you ever need a sounding board.  Mine was different My husband was an acoholic and also started doing pills he became verbily abusive.  I have a few friends whose husbands beat them and ones wife use to beat him. I helped as much as I could but all you can really do to help is be there and listen when they need to talk.  Glad to hear you are talking about it Ross that will start a healing process  [ send green star]
 
God Bless you both, your survivors. October 09, 2006 5:23 PM

I feel for you and pray for your self healing.

Mikee

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 December 08, 2006 6:07 PM

I dealt with Domestic violence in my marriage for many years. From the age of 18-31. Thats how long I stayed. I have done many speeches for groups in my hometown for women of domestic violence and have spoken at the high schools with the help of the local police department. This was a sort of healing for me and It use to bother me to see young girls in high school so young falling trap to abuse

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