So there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled,
"Hey Dad, come see the kittens."
I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you, it's an updated version of an old favourite of mine, I think it's great, please watch it through to the end and you'll see what I mean, (I hope).
Carrie: The Inheritance - 
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one > word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars
>
>
> Holy Jokes!
>
> A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
>
> The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
>
> =======
>
> There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
>
> "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
>
> ========
>
> "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
>
> ========
>
> A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
>
> When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
>
> ========
>
> There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
>
> ========
>
> While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
>
> "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
>
>
> MAY GOD BLESS & KEEP YOU!!
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " ."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP [meesh's favorite]
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-ye-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the re port. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my -9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
d, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
7) DRESSING UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you
At the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Ralph on his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Ralph said to the audience "Well, I've treated her well, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Italy."
The minister then said, "Ralph, you are a terrific example to all husbands. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Ralph said, "I'm gonna go get her."
This post was modified from its original form on 17 Jun, 5:59
One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.
Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."
You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a
steak
on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."
Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning,
totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.
You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.
Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone
bill
to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."
You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize
from
"Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been raiding stores in
the neighborhood.
After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing
up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at
you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.
Gosh everyone I laughed until I am hurting and I really needed a good laugh today! Thanks
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
A human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
Small
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
Human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electric ians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so t he mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
..
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.
..
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
..
Q : How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
..
Q: Why should 50+ folks use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
..
Q: Is it common for 50+ folks to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
..
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
..
Q: Where do 50+ folks look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
..
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ folks when shopping in antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
I thought, I dope in and say Hi and Nice jokes to have a good day every one Bob
I went to the gas station today and ask for five dollars worth of gas...
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Quick Check for Alzheimer's
The following was developed as a mental age asessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over
40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.
The Laws of Life
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.
That was really cute, Margaret, I am sending this one on to a few friends I know will appreciate the humor in it. I don't usually forward many things, so you should feel blessed! LOL
From: "Care2 Groups: CIRCLE OF FRIENDS Mailing List" <circleofcyberfriends@groups.care2.com>
Reply-To: circleofcyberfriends-746684-760871@groups.care2.com
To: <sherriavollmer@hotmail.com>
Subject: [CIRCLE OF FRIENDS] HAVE A LAUGH ....CARTOONS,JOKES,FUN STUFF
Date: 17 Apr 2007 14:11:47 -0700
#care2msg_header {font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;} #care2msg_body_left {font-family:Verdana;font-size:77%;margin-bottom:17px;} #care2msg_message {border-style:solid;border-color:#bbbbaa;border-top-width:1px;border-left-width:1px;border-right-width:0px;border-bottom-width:0pxadding-left:20px
11:06 AM
"How To Be A Good Husband"
** He consistently spills things in the same
location as to avoid making more than one
stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in
the same place on the couch, to avoid making
those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communication
so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh,
oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse
two-times-in-a-row.
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron,
etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching
Monday Night Football together does not constitute
a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he
doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment
and also the proper time to say something such as,
"Its definitely an interesting dress."
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"How To Be A Good Husband"
** He consistently spills things in the same
location as to avoid making more than one
stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in
the same place on the couch, to avoid making
those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communication
so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh,
oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse
two-times-in-a-row.
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron,
etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching
Monday Night Football together does not constitute
a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he
doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment
and also the proper time to say something such as,
"Its definitely an interesting dress."
Texas...gotta love it!
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east
from there.Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such
phones
with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a
church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the
sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the
pastor."Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct
line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other
churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per
call.....Why is that?
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and
it's a local call."May the LORD bless your day
He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
Only girls would really understand this! (It is a true story written by a lady to her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition).
"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. It was built to hold back and uplift and it did a good job.Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The "mature woman" is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit... I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied."We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in theparking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly publicones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She
looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
What women want in a man at age 22:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 72:
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night," said the officer
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
