START A PETITION 25,136,189 members: the world's largest community for good
START A PETITION
x
Group Discussions
Let's Laugh - January #1
1 year ago
Two roaches having a discussion

 

 Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one comments about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani032.html

1 year ago

Love it! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

Good One Sandra!!  LOL!

 















This post was modified from its original form on 01 Jan, 7:42
1 year ago

Funny!

1 year ago

A dog's chalkboard assignments

 

 This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [%#&!*%] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [%#&!*%].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [%#&!*%] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [%#&!*%] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [%#&!*%].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [%#&!*%].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [%#&!*%].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard.

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani034.html

1 year ago

This is good! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

I will sure to tell all these to Baby!

1 year ago

Glad you enjoyed them! 

 

 

I think that I'm a chicken


Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani035.html

1 year ago

Love it!! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

Wonderful Sandra - thanks!

1 year ago

My pleasure, ladies!   

 

Vallee, what did Baby say about "A dog's chalkboard assignments" ?

Let me guess...  "Woof Woof!"  Am I right?

 

Question and answer animal jokes

 

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani039.html

1 year ago

Like them! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

Sandra - it was more like "WOOOOOOOOOOOOF!"

Thanks for posting these - Love the first one.

1 year ago

Check this out - alcohol breath test: only 2+ minutes.



1 year ago

Vallee! 

1 year ago

Brilliant!! Thanks Val.

1 year ago

THought I would pass it on.

1 year ago

Loved that one Val!!    Thanks for sharing!!

1 year ago
Question and answer animal jokes                                                                                                                                               Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani040.html
1 year ago

All funny, still laughing at the first joke! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

Those are good- LOL at several!  Thanks.

1 year ago

I'm glad you liked them!

 

More question and answer animal jokes  

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani041.html

1 year ago

Good ones Sandra! Thanks.

1 year ago

Like these even better!

1 year ago

My pleasure! 

 

More question and answer animal jokes

    

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

 

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani042.html

1 year ago

Sandra can't stop laughing!! Thank you so much.

1 year ago

Get along  little doggie - now - that's funny!  Thanks for posting these Sandra -

1 year ago

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

1 year ago

Like it !! Thanks Val.

1 year ago

Q: What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches?

A: An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo.

1 year ago

Like this one too! Thanks Val.

1 year ago

Glad you liked the last jokes I posted & for your jokes, Val!

 

Question and answer animal jokes

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani043.html

1 year ago

Sandra love these animal jokes, thanks.

1 year ago

Sandra, I agree with Brenda!  These jokes are great!  And clean too!!  Thanks for sharing them!


Hugz!  

1 year ago

I love them too Sandra - thanks.

1 year ago

My pleasure, ladies! 

 

 

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

 

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

http://www.ahajokes.com/ani044.html

1 year ago

Great! Thanks Sandra.

1 year ago

Love the kitty carpal-tunnel braces -

1 year ago

I'm glad you liked them! 

This thread is archived. To reply to it you must re-activate it.