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Closed Today's Joke. LOL. Part 3
8 months ago

Today's Joke. LOL. Part 3

Hey girls I just wanted to say what a great thread you have made this into. I just read some jokes & so funny. Well done. Hugs.

8 months ago
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

8 months ago

Oh that's so bad Lyn!

8 months ago

LOL ! good one Lyn.

8 months ago

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Student Exam
7 months ago
"STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM"
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?
 * at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
 * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
 * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
 * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
 * Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue
Sea what will it become?
 * It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without
Sleeping ?
 * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one
Hand?
* You will never find an elephant
That has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four
Oranges in one hand and four apples
And three oranges in other hand, what
Would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to
Build a wall, how long would it take four
Men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already
Built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a
Concrete floor without cracking it?
 * Any way you want, concrete
Floors are very hard to crack.
 
NO REAL WRONG ANSWERS HERE
Personally, I would have given him 100% for his wit.
7 months ago

Me too, Brilliant answers. 100 out of 100 ?

7 months ago

I it. I was having a little giggle there with nearly all of them.  

7 months ago

it.....

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

7 months ago

Those Italians can eat lots hey. Old but very funny.

7 months ago

How many police men does it take to change a light bulb? 

@0, , zero, zilch

THEY JUST BEAT THE SHIITE OUT OF THE ROOM FOR BEING BLACK

7 months ago

Tas, that gave me a good laugh thanks.

7 months ago

Boom! Was that me!?

Once there was three men in an airplaine (White, Chinese, and Mexican) and were throwing out the door things that they had in adbundence in their countries. The Chinese opened the door of the plane and threw an cabbage. Later the mexican stepped up and threw an orange and finally the white man stepped up and threw a grenade. A couple of minutes later they got off the 

plane and started walking down the street when the suddenly saw a homeless man cursing . One of the men asked him "Whats wrong?" The homeless man answered "God damned me. I asked him to feed me and all he sent me from heaven was a misserable cabbage. The men kept walking and a few blocks further down the street they came accross another homeless man who was weeping. One of the men approached the second homeless man and asked him.

"Are you ok? What's wrong?" The homeless man looked at at him and said "I asked God to feed me with at least a few crumbs of bread and he sent me a whole orange!" The men continued walking even further down the street when suddenly they came accross a 13 year old boy who was laughing uncontrollably. One of the men asked him "Young man? May I asked what is so funny?" The young boy kept laughing and in the first gasp of air he managed to breath he said "SEE THAT HOUSE BEHIND ME? I FARTED SO LOUD IT BLEW

UP!!!!"

7 months ago

 

                    

 

 

 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to
The store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

 If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Good ones ladies.
7 months ago

Wedding Colors

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"  7

Sounds just like what a child might say to.

7 months ago

      Pami

7 months ago

See children are smart. great jokes guys. Hugs.

7 months ago

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

7 months ago

Lynnie   

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, And said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

7 months ago

Great jokes girls.lol

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

7 months ago

I just love them what a great Giggle.

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

7 months ago

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

7 months ago

I was reading away and had a good laugh at the end. 

7 months ago

A pastor moved to a new town and didn't know his way around yet. As he was walking down the street he asked a little boy where the post office was. After explaining, the pastor invited him to come to church that evening and that he would tell him how to get to Heaven. The little boy looked at him and said, "Mister, how can you do that when you don't even know how to get to the post office?"

7 months ago

LOL ! good one Vicky.

It's a hot day--there's a traveling salesman passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.  So he stops and says to the little old man, "You look as if you don't have a care in the world!  What's your formula for a long and happy life?"
 
And the little old man says, "Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week.  I never wash and I go out every night; I don't get to bed until four in the morning."
 
And the guy says, "Wow, that's just great.  How old are you?"

I'm 22 years old. !
 

7 months ago

   Lynnie...

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, They would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable So they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. Everybody loved it

This topic is closed