Maui, Very Funny Thank You
An elderly couple sets sail on a romantic cruise. Unfortunately, as the ship leaves the dock, the wife's hearing aid falls out and rolls overboard. Then, the old couple find bunk beds in their suite. The husband sourly thinks, "Damn! She can't hear a thing AND no sex for a week!"
That night, the husband taps his wife on the shoulder and asks, "Up or down?"
She immediately throws him on the bed and makes love to him.
Night after night, she repeats this behavior every time he asks "up or down?"
When they get home, the husband goes out shopping for bunk beds to keep things spicy.
The wife returns with her new hearing aid and finds the bunk beds in the bedroom. "What in the hell did you get bunk beds for?"
"Every night I asked you 'up or down,' you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on."
"Is that what you were saying? I thought you were asking 'f**k or drown!'"
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR MO!!!!
Hope thats with laughter and not Pain Maui
An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
Oh Mo these are hilarious! You must have a Bible of funnies in your house!!!
Maui..I saw that joke on facebook and thought it was awesome!!!
No Carol, Just a big book! Glad you like!
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,
"I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ‘Touchus’, not my head!"
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg,
So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small
Parcel and a note, which reads:
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ‘ Tochus’ and go as a toffee apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I
must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking
lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to
lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I
said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep, it's the golden years.
I had hear that one before Maui and I almost busted a gut laughing!!
Pilgrim John: I see thee cleaning hunting gear for the morrow. Dost thou plan on hunting bear?
Pilgrim Samuel: Certainly not, John. I am shocked that thou would suggest it. I shall wear clothing as usual!
Q: If Pilgrims were alive today, what woud they say?
A: Do not resuscitate!
> A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
> They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
> A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
> He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
> The girl has been watching him and says:
> "You must be a dentist."
> The guy, surprised, says:"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
> "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
> One thing leads to another and they make love.
> After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
> The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
> "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
> The girl replies:....
> "I didn't feel a thing."
Oh Everyone These Jokes Are Fab I couldn't stop laughing Thank You
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "First, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
Oh gawd,I'm dying over here,all the jokes are wonderful,thanks!!
Hi Ancil, On Behalf of the group and myself Thank You, Glad You Like
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's.
As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain,
"George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you that’s the fridge?"
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA ..... I'm with Ancil!!! Man this might have been one of our worst months politically but THIS???? BEST THREAD EVER!!!!
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way. On my return trip I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk the the retirement village Administrator and asked her...do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn? “Yes” she said, “aren’t they darlings?” They’re retired prostitutes-they’re having a yard sale.
Maui that was funny I will have to remember that the next time we need funds at work
Cam you are right there are some fab jokes here. Maybe thats where Obama is going wrong
A plane is passing through a severe storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and stands up, screaming, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying! I've had plenty of sex, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
The woman breathes heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."
ROTFL..Those are good ones Mo!!
Maui...a yard sale...
Thanks Carol, Hope you like the next one
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
An Aide runs into the oval office and says "Mr. President! 4 Brazilian troops were killed in Iraq today."
He answers, "Now, tell me again: how much is a brazillion??"
Douglas is the answer "More than you Mr President?"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighbourhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Well Folks it's the last day in November so thought I would post this joke, I do hope you like!
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
HAAAHAHAHAHHAAA! Mo! Douglas! Good on you folks! That was grrrrreat!!!!
Oh My God Mo that is hilarious! Come to ACTIVATE THE PHONE LINES...rotflmao!!!!
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
ROTFLMAO!!! Good one!!!
The accident one...ROTFLMAO!! Which reminds me..............Years ago my hubby and a friend of his was in an airplane crash out here on the tundra. After they crashed they went to a local's house to report they had crash landed and the native woman stood there at the door and said "I thought you landed kinda funny!"
My hubby and his friend the guy who was flying the airplaine were in town and his friend had a pint of Whiskey that had not been opened yet!! They were just about to open the bottle and the State Troopers came on the scene to check out what had happened! Had they already opened the bottle the airplane crash could have been blamed on Pilot error/drinking......thank goodness they had not taken a drop!!! I don't remember what DID happen but they were both lucky to come out alive!!!
This post was modified from its original form on 01 Dec, 22:28
Thanks Cam, Glad you like
Thanks Carol Wow Carol that was close. But understanderable to want to have a drink after a brush with death. I must admit I thought the womans comment was funny it did put a smile on my face. I just imagined her watching the event this plane coming from no where then "Crash, Bang" and it lands. For her then to say "I thought you landed kinda funny." Us humans do say funny things without meaning too. I bet we could do a thread on Real Life Funny Stories!
Thanks Mo.....I don't know for sure but this gal might have been drinking while she was watching them crash land!! Bob said it was an eery feeling listening to air whistle past his ears as they were going down! He's been lucky many times like this in his life!! I just hope it holds out!!
This one gonna be dull,stop me if you heard this one:What to you call a blond who dye's her hair dark? Artificial Intellagence!