Do you have any Christmas jokes you would like to share? Send them to us and we'll include them here. Don't forget to include your name and we'll give you credit!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!
Contributed by: Skylablue Gorman
Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!
Originally Contributed by: unknown...We were reminded about Andy by Paul Grupe!
Contributed by: Evelien from Belgium
Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A: A puddle!
Q: Where do reindeer go to dance?
A: Christmas balls!
Q: If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire,what would they name their child?
Contributed by: Cassie Hauser
Q: What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A: A sad candy cane!
Contributed by: Laura Sylvester
Q: What did Mary Poppins want from Santa?
Contributed by: Jemima
Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!
Contributed by: Tara Wade
Q: What Christmas song is hidden in the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z?
A: Noel (No "L")
Contributed by: Abby and Alessandra
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
In Memory Of Jess Gonzalez
Thanks for the Christmas cheer! I'd give you a green star,but alass,C2 won't let me.Merry Christmas,my friend!
Perfect Cam......what a joyful and brightful thread here on FSM......leave it to you to spread the cheer....I think you get some of that from Linda......
I have a joke.....my hubby said he was going to give me an early Christmas present....he is buying me a ticket to go see Sandra Fluke who is appearing here for a fund raiser for PPH........yep......I said the only way I would go, if the ticket included 3 bottles of wine to drink while she speaks!!!! Then maybe that too is a little "iffy"....... I will let you all know what kind of turn out she brings......her fundraising tour for obama in the parking lots were not a big hit!!!! We shall see.....
Oh Cam I'm with Ancil and Maui, These are Brill
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.
First off, it is George W. Bush’s fault the light bulb went out in the first place. Many Democrats will need to run to MSNBC to make sure everyone understands them concerning this issue. Obviously, it will be racist that Bush let the light bulb burn out. Once they have worn out that argument for several weeks, they will need to form a committee to do research on what type of light will be used as to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. Of course, unions will not want the light bulb changed by a non-union worker in a right-to-work state, so a Democratic sub-committee must be formed to keep all union bosses happy for re-election purposes. Another sub-sub-committee on light bulb financing must then determine the manufacturer of the light bulb, and obviously GE will win that bid and receive another tax break, keeping their federal income tax rates unbelievably low.
…Wait. It may not ever get changed.
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
These are hilarious!!!!!
Donna..I started reading that one and the more I read the more I remembered the joke..LOL that is a good one!!
Mo..That is a funny one too! Some of these jokes are so fitting to the people in them...
Great ones Cam! Love the lights on them too!! Lot's of Christams cheer!!!
Maui...those are really good ones!!! Love that little kid with his tractor and wagon..
Now THAT sounds like Obama no doubt!!!!!
(This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?)
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
Maui need a smile and was tracking this site...Smiling! xoxox here are a couple for you ~ I will deliver a Joke when I am not flat on my back...For now these comments will have to do. xoxoxo`
Goodness don't we all need a Helmet on Care2!!!!!
So cute Marilyn.....I love this thread.....so many things to make you smile and laugh out loud!!!!