At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
DON'T KILL YOUR KIDS!
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shup up.
Gandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it--Chinese proverb
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
" I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? the dog? "
The Man Song (He's the Man!)
A little girl asked her mother,"How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered:"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and dad said they developed from monkeys?" The Mom answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." Okay............
Surprise! Thanks, Agnes!
Thai Construction Worker
In a construction company, there were a French worker and a Thai worker working together. One morning, the boss comes out to give order to his workers.
He said to the French, “You are in charge of the cement.”
Then he said to the Thai, “You are in charge of the supplies.”
Then he said, “The work better be finished by the end of the day, or you will be fired.” After that he left the work to get their work done. The boss comes back at the end of the day. He inspections the cement work from the French worker, and he says, “Good job”. Then he starts looking for the Thai guy, but he is no where to be found. He asks, “Where the heck is the Thai guy?”
Suddenly, the Thai guy jumps out from a big pile of dirt and yells, “Supplies”.
wife to husband " your choice is never good ' husbad replied " yes , i came to know after marry you."
WIFE TO HUSBAND, " you know today is marriage annivesarry? what we do ? ask wife , husband replied " just stand & keep two miniutes silence.'
Housecleaning Tips for MEN
Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" comes the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for yoou."
"What's a man, Lord?"
This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and the inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?""You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
hahaha Les !!
" It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. "
A turle is walking down an alley in New York when he is mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective comes to investigate and asks the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle turns to the detective with a confused look and replies, "I don't know officer. It all happened to fast....."---okay....
Love that one Kay !! hahahaA Scotsman visited London
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were friendly.
"At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
The optimist fell ten stories.
At each window bar
He shouted to his friends:
"All right so far."
Just Stealing the Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Submitted by Daisy
“I’ve watched you now a full half-hour; / Self-poised upon that yellow flower / And, little Butterfly! Indeed / I know not if you sleep or feed. / How motionless!-not frozen seas / More motionless! and then / What joy awaits you, when the breeze / Hath found you out among the trees, / And calls you forth again!” – What better way to start talking about these colorful tiny flying creatures, a delight at times for our eyes if not by quoting William Wordswoth’ s poem, a poem entitled “To a Butterfly”? I find it remarkable how butterflies manage to go travel across all those interesting and at the same time peculiar stages of their lives, from a tiny egg to an almost insatiable caterpillar, from pupa to the colorful adult butterfly. Isn’t this process or life cycle simply remarkable, or should I say awesome? For sure such words as remarkable, awesome, breathtaking, majestic, and wonderful and the more informal blow-minding would be just few of the words that would describe the lifespan of a butterfly. And by saying this I cannot but quote Trina Paulus who once said the following things ““How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. Orange Butterfly “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” “
Indeed, in order to become that very splendid colored butterfly you happen to see sitting on your favorite flower or flying into the air, in order to reach that beauty he has undergone a quite turbulent cycle of life. What does a butterfly say when he sees what has come out after he had traversed all these stages? He may be saying what Manali Oak said “A butterfly says, “The caterpillar-me is history, my metamorphosis, a mystery, and today…today is a present, my struggle gifted me.”
lol UP ,, glad he liked it. I had to teach my 2 kids to drive some years ago, what an experience.
TEN WAYS TO MAKE DRIVING LESS BORING
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Stop and collect roadkill. Stop at the green lights. Go at red ones.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Wear a Chicken suit.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
LOL Judith ... i told hubby that joke ... he liked it n u can imagine why ....
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A woman was charged with stealing a tin of peaches..the judge asked how many was in the tin, 4 replies the woman....ok I will pass sentence for 1 month of each peach...as she was led away, her husband shouted out from the gallery, AND A LARGE TIN OF PEASE!!
all have a great holiday weekend......hugs Margo
kidnaper to husband " i have kidnapped your wife " give me 50000 # and take her. " husband replied keep her i will give you 100000#.
This post was modified from its original form on 17 Dec, 9:53
"The original Lincoln's Toe Truck, left, in front of its younger sibling. The Museum of History and Industry is getting the original." (Photo courtesy Lincoln Towing)
These are fandabydozy pic's.....love 'em.....I used to take out an old lady 15 yrs ago...we went to a cafe, and she ordered a tea and a bun....then said can I have one of yr fags.....I gave her one..the man in the next table, asked how old she was......so I said she is 103..which she replied, excuse me...I am in my 104th yr....that shut me up....bless her.....have a great weekend......hugs
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
OUTGOING PERSONALITY..................Always going out of the office GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS.............Able to bullshit GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS.............Spends lots of time on phone AVERAGE EMPLOYEE......................Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED..........Made no major blunders yet WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY................Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY.......................Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY.............Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER....................Nobody knows what he/she does QUICK THINKING........................Offers plausible excuses CAREFUL THINKER.......................Won't make a decision AGGRESSIVE............................Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS..........Gets someone else to do it EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL.............Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL........A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES......... ....Is tall or has a loud voice EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT..........Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR..................Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED.........................Back Stabber LOYAL.................................Can't get a job anywhere else
n what about this 1 !!!!
That is an extremely funny picture you posted, Unpredictable lol !!
I quite like this one of us doing our mails at care2
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT ? ASKED WIFE TO HUSBAND. HUSBAND REPLIED ' TO FRIEND HOUSE . " WIFE TOLD I ASK ALL YOUR FRIENDS BUT THEY SAID YOU WERE NOT THERE , HUSBAND REPLIED BUT IWAS YOUR FRIEND HOUSE. '
This is real funny Judith.