I was just wondering how you would want to  feel loved when you are an adopted child.

I have 10 of them;

1. Like me for who I am.

2. Hug Me

3. Talk with Me when there is a problem

4.  Comfort Me when I am Sad

5. Understand I am only Human

6. Respect Me

7. Laugh at some of my jokes even though you don't think they are funny.

8. Want ME!

9. Show me right from wrong without being wrong in doing so.

10. Give me a Happy Life

Any more suggestions?

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Thank you MS. I'm sure there are more, but the bottom line in just be a good parent, no different than you would treat your natural children.

But the sad fact of that statement is a lack of good parenting on all sides.

The one thing that I have to keep focused on is that GOD is our ultimate FATHER, & although no man can compare, they should pattern their behavior like Him & they won't go wrong.

Sadly, they will fall far short of this goal, but we do have the capacity to forgive & move on. We don't have to keep going back (even as an adult ~ like I did) for daily berating (or like my husband called it - daily "butt" beating"). It happened so frequently, my husband got tired of hearing about it. We have the choice to forgive them & put what was in the past -- just that -- IN THE PAST. That's not discounting what they did, but you have a right to a happy, fulfilled life. And, if they don't accept you for you, then THEY are the ones missing out.

Several good books/resources for me were: Dr Kevin Lehman's (althought all of them are pricesless); BIRTH ORDER BOOK. Another called BOUNDRIES (cannot remember the author). Anything by Steve Auterburn, but WHEN SONEONE YOU LOVE IS  SOMEONE YOU HATE (describes the love/hate relationships in our interpersonal relationships).

GOD made you a wonderful human being & nothing anyone says can subtract what GOD did.

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I'm sorry, I don't want to be negative, but maybe I'm in the wrong group after all - it does say support group which implies its people helping people through bad experiences, but . . .

I don't understand the previous postings relativity to anything about adoption, firstly Marilyn it sounds like you haven't had a very happy life, and are (to whatever extent) blaming that on being adopted or adoptive parents etc. but I believe our souls choose our lives and the troubles we face in them - because its the problems, not the easy days that truly make us who we are.

Following on from this, as adoptees (I was adopted about 6 months also) we can never know what it would have been like to grow up with our biological parents. Maybe they would have tried and we would have ended up in care instead? Maybe we would be dead now instead of discussing our experiences? Either way, the grass is always greener, and if every body on this earth (adopted or not!) were able to just accept their lives, pasts and situations without blame, and move on; then the world would be a brighter place for all of us.

Secondly, Destiny not every parent takes their skills from GOD. My adoptive parents are decidedly unreligious, yet were overflowing with love for children and couldn't have any of their own. They describe the connection they felt with both my brother and myself when we met at the hospital, but do not need religious dogma to be loving moral parents. I'm not trying to upset you or anyone here, I just don't see the need to put everything into a religious context, but as a host if thats what you want to do, just let me know and I will leave the group immediately.

Also some scary things happened to me when I was a kid that I don't want to go into here, and I wondered what happened to adoptees who ended up in dangerous homes. If this is what happened Marylin then you were failed by the authorities and your adoptive parents, but I know more children living with their biological parents who feel unloved or in danger than I do adoptees who feel/felt unloved. That unfortunately is a very common problem among children everywhere nowadays.

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Simple too explain love...

it's unconditional with no boundaries...

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Amamda you are in the right place. Yes this is a support group. 

I did have a very bad child-hood. Both with my real parents and adopted parents.

But, I know that there are a lot of adopted people that are very very loved. So please feel free here to express how you feel.

You will understand how my life was, soon.

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Thanks for your response Marilyn, I'm really sorry to hear that. Hopefully we can help start to heal the wounds together?

x Amanda

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hello friends,

even though i'm not an adopted child,but i know of someone who is.

i think the best way to be treated as an adopted child is to be given every right and opportunity that a real biological child has.OFCOURSE we were all born and never just dropped from the skies,so this should make anyone sheltering an adopted child treat him/her as his/her child.

thanx

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Uyobong,    We are so glad to have you here! 

Anything you have to offer is very appreicated! 

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WelcomeAmanda M. & Neal J. First let me state that anyone & everyone is welcome in this group regardless of their belief system. You are free to discuss anything about your adoption experiences whether good or bad without judgment on this thread.

And you are right not every parent takes their skills from GOD, but I am stating that I am a Christian & take my beliefs seriously & DO believe that GOD is the ultimate FATHER. You are free to disagree, but please don't negate those who believe & had an unpleasant adoption experience.

And yes, I look around me & there were natural families who were not as fortunate as we were. But we are discussing our experiences & helping each other overcome some of those same adversities.

As I stated, my roomie Mary Ann, looked for her bio mother & she was turned away. Also, her adoptive  mother was EVIL (her words). MA was a beautiful girl, but had a low self-esteem because of those experiences. She was a self-mutilator. I pray for her every day.

At 52, I spent the first half of my life searching "who was I." I really believe that I will go to my grave wondering that. But I am going to spend the last half of my life content in knowing that I am ME & I cannot change just because my parents wanted me to "be like them" in ways that would change my whole being.

That is why I felt life I could never fit into their family. And when I was around my bio family, I didn't fit in, but we had commonalities that I can't explain. Even when I met my cousins in my 40s, I found that I have a lot in common. So you see, I didn't fit in my ado family, nor my bio family. I was all alone in this world. Only one person in my whole life loved me for ME & that was my college pal Lisa. She died in 1978 & there's not a day that goes by that I still don't miss her.

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Welcome Uyobong E. as well, all input is welcome.

Also, as a friend of an adoptee, you may shed some light on a question I always had.

Growing up I always had friends who liked to come to my house & spend the night or whole weekend. But yet those same people didn't want to accept me in their little "clique" or group which they all were a member. Only a few members of that group didn't visit in my home. I would say out of 10, 6 would visit & play with me, but have nothing to do with me in school. Why? I went to their houses for the night or weekend also, & spent time together one-on-one going places? I never understood that. And, a handfull of them wewnt to our church & we had fun at groups & gatherings & class. Go figure.

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Destiny, a lot of us that has had a hurtful past will try to help each other as much as we can. Remeber we will love you for you you are. Just as much as we will love everyone else that needs it.

I know you have and I have had a very terrible childhood. and there will be others in this group who has too.

But, there will also be others here to help those ,as you and I and others in need ,to overcome their hurt and heartaches they have had in their lifes.

I was adopted into a Catholic home.And I beieve in God and Jesus very much. But, my adopted parents were phony religious people. They just put on a front to others in the neighborhood and in church. So religion is a touchy subject to people who want to believe in God and who does believe in God but, see's that their loved ones are going the wrong way.

We are here for you.

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Thanks for that statement MS. My dad was a Baptist minister in the south & came from a very "aristocratic" (for lack of a better word) family - very rigid. And, I think that played a large part of how I was "treated." But we will get into all that as time goes by as I believe that they only passed on how they were raised, etc. & treated by their families & peers.

  On another note Amanda, there is a BIG difference in being a Christian & being RELIGIOUS. We can also get into that difference later. And I will probably speak from the Biblical/Christian perspective.

My family wasn't phony, quite the contrary, but during my counseling studies, I learned so much about people, behaviors, etc. Which helped me understand that it really wasn't about me. In my opinion, they just tried to make me the "china doll." And I honestly do believe they did the best that they could & knew how. But never understood me from MY side.

Amanda (also my dau-in-law's name), I just want to make it clear to you that I am NOT here to shove my beliefs down your throat, but this is where I'm coming from. I will try to be as openminded as possible & sensitive to your needs.

Group, you have my permission to reign me in whenever necessary, OK?

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Thanks MS. You & I must think alike. When I went to bed last night I thought about eveybody here has their own story to tell. And, it needs to be a topic of their own so they can post their needs & it will go straight to the top & be addressed as quickly as possible, instead of lumping everybody's story on ONE thread.

Let's just use one like this for a "general" type of support ~ that is, if that's okay with everyone.

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Thanks for starting this group.  I 'met' you in another group and I am becoming familiar with your story.

I never felt loved in my adoptive family either.  My parents nor my brothers never told me they loved me, and did not show physical affection.

I was unable to complete my education or learn to drive.  I feel very ashamed.  My parents 'disowned' me when I was 18 and a few years later my brothers also declared that they didn't want me as their sister anymore, so in effect I have been rejected by 2 families.

Through working at it with my adoptive parents, I have gained some degree of a real relationship with them, and learned that they never said they loved me or were proud of me because of their upbringing.  My mother especially had crappy experiences as a child and was never told she was loved.  On her father's deathbed he declared to her that he thought she was a bad mother.

I have regained contact with my birth mother and though the relationship is fraught with problems, I am glad that we were reunited.  I am working on the relationship.

When people tell me they love me now I feel nothing.  I do not allow myself to feel loved.  I feel too vulnerable and scared.

Thanks again for starting this group; I have much to say which I hope will be of some help to others.

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this is truly a place of comfort and understanding

I was put up for adoption at 4 months old and adopted in England (where I was born) at 6 months old,

My adopted mother said " i didnt want you I wanted a girl and he said we could adopt one after you but he didnt" (he being my adopted father) they slept in separate bedrooms I never say a kiss or a hug from them or for each other, I feared him he would Hit across my face and also with a belt all the time, when he was drunk it was worse,

well for years I could never understand or come to terms with a mother giving a 4 month old baby away, I have 6 children living and one number 7 died in my arms though lung infection, and I would have died to save his life, and all my children are so precious words cannot speak them,

it took years but i may tell you that story how i came to accept what she did later,

but having no brothers or sisters nor mother or father I even at 46 years old didnt feel i belonged anywhere even though married, I think you adopted ones would understand,

well I went into a penticostal church one day while travelling and there was a young minister praying he said "My Dad I love you" that hit my heart, so on the way home I said to the Lord "I love you my Dad, and the Lord said in a sweet loving and careing voice "I love you to Mike" then I said with tears flowing down  "I realy love Dad" the Lord said "you cant out love me mike" My God can rebuke me like that anytime,

so that empty space was filled in my heart, I do now have a Father that loves me,

I do pray this helps in some way other souls in this place

Love and light Mike

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I have continual emotional problems due to being rejected at birth by my mother.  I've had 37 years of it, and unfortunately I still self-harm.

I have only ever felt loved by Buddha ( my "God, Father") and never by another human being.  It is usually impossible for me even to receive Buddha's love because I feel unworthy of  it.  How I wish I didn't feel this way.  I am so tired of feeling lonely and unloved and unloveable.  My birth mother says she loves me and always did; my adoptive parents now say they love me though they never said it when I was a child.  My son tells me he loves me.  Boyfriends have said that they love me, and friends.  But I feel none of it.  I feel the damage has been done to me and cannot be undone.  i don't know how to change and accept the love that people now offer me.  Is it possible to change that much after so long?  I don't even know.

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the question on how Ide like to be loved I can answer by the opposite to what i experienced,

in one word "rejection" is what i experienced,

and in one word the way I treat my 6 children "unconditional love"

if even we all experienced "unconditional love" in our interreaction with others the world would bew a beautifull place, but it has to start in the family,

Love and light to all precious souls here Mike

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