14 May

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

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Pot of Gold

Strive for your pot of gold, and never give up striving. Even if the pot of gold turns out to not be made of actual gold, that could actually be a good thing - Gold is much heavier than you would think and you may not be strong enough to pick it up in any case...

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Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

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Why ... why ... why ... Have you ever wondered?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

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Pat a friend on the back every day

If it was intended that you could pat yourself on the back you would have been given big flappy type arms.

Pat a friend!

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Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.
If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?
If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Can you daydream at night?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
Can crop circles be square?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Can animals commit suicide?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married?
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
Can a black person join the kkk?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

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1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them!'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.' An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity

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Why?

• Why are boxing rings square?
• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 
• Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain
• Why the early bird gets the worm
• Life isn't always fair
• and maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

1. I Know My Rights
2. I Want It Now
3. Someone Else Is To Blame
4. I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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1. Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
6. He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
7. Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
11. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
12. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 [ send green star]

• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and 'lollipop' with your right.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog', uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are palindromes.  They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous' : tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and ' facetious.'
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
• Now you know, almost, everything.

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The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

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Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Michael Pritchard

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
George Santayana

Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be.
Jim Horning

No good deed goes unpunished.
Clare Booth Luce (also Oscar Wilde)

One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't.
George Bernard Shaw

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
Michel de Montaigne

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
John A. Wheeler

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A Funny True Story

Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so Bryant investigated and found the problem.  10 year old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. 

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• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
• Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
•  
• When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
•  
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
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• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? Think about it.
•  
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as  '4's' ?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

 [ send green star]

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why don't we ever see this headline:
  Psychic Wins Lottery ?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker' ?
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
• Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?  
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they call the airport ' the terminal' if flying is so safe?

 [ send green star]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' I'm four and a half!' you're never thirty-six and a half. you're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.' I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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• If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
• Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
• The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

 [ send green star]

• If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
• Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
• The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

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                         Thoughts with Attitude

1. Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea... does that mean that one in five enjoys it?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
6. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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I Wonder!

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

 [ send green star]