START A PETITION 25,136,189 members: the world's largest community for good
START A PETITION
x
 
 
This thread is displayed with the most recent posts first.
 October 16, 2009 4:33 PM

                 The Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...

1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

 [ send green star]
 
 September 22, 2009 9:14 AM

Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me %#&!*%."

 [ send green star]
 
 August 14, 2009 10:42 AM

Q: Why do farts stink?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too!

 [ send green star]
 
 July 07, 2009 5:37 PM

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 [ send green star]
 
 June 03, 2009 5:27 PM

woman,wateringA woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.  [ send green star]
 
 March 10, 2009 4:39 PM

  • If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
  • Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
  • The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
  • Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
  • Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
  • Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
  • One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
  • You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 [ send green star]
 
 March 08, 2009 6:59 PM

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it's how he found out

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn idiot.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

 [ send green star]
 
 March 07, 2009 2:48 PM

News story about lady that fainted because of vibrating underwear  [ send green star]
 
 February 20, 2009 9:22 AM

RUB MY N I P P L E S

Keep this in mind when you have
something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.


Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,




'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'


The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,


'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'


and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,


'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE

by Nancy Voorspoels

 [ send green star]
 
 February 03, 2009 5:27 PM

FUNNY QUOTES FROM AMERICAN PRESIDENTS

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." Jimmy Carter.

"I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." Ronald Reagan.

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." George Bush.

"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say." Richard Nixon.

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." George Bush.

"Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." Ronald Reagan.

"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans." Ronald Reagan.

"I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon." Ronald Reagan

 [ send green star]
 
 February 01, 2009 4:08 PM

The grass may be greener on the other side on the fence but someone still has to cut it.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 [ send green star]
 
 February 01, 2009 3:53 PM

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED
once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems
appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).. Obviously persons who got AIDS or HERPES is not
eligible to be SHAFTed or SCREWed any more.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much %#&!*%
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of %#&!*% it gives employees. Should you
feel that you do not receive enough %#&!*%, please bring it to the
attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the %#&!*% you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

 [ send green star]
 
 January 31, 2009 7:43 PM

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it's how he found out

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn idiot.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
 [ send green star]
 
 January 22, 2009 12:02 PM




"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE - SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
- Senator Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fund raising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (Phoenix is in Arizona)

"SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Anti-smoker Brooke Shields  [ send green star]
 
 November 14, 2005 4:33 PM

Vegas BROTHEL funded by US Government Grants!

You guys won't believe this. I just got back from the wildest trip to vegas (buddy's bachelor party). Of the many fiascos that I could share with you from this 5 day romp there is a specific story that needs to be retold. Keep in mind my blood type was probably Heineken at the time so some of the details will be fuzzy. Anyways, one night our group ended up at a *vegas brothel* that we will call, "The Hump Street Hotel". This night turned out to be a blast. The girls are hot here and eveyone forked out for a lap dance. I think one of our friends spent his lap dance time reciting poetry to his girl because he seemed to get VIP treatment. She ended up inviting us to hang out and drink with some of the girls in the private lounge.

After awhile the brothel owner (Mr. Hump) joined us. This guy was a true pimp. Strolled in with 2 hot could-be-models on each side. He was happy to buy a few rounds for our party. I'm sure he could afford it! Now Mr.Hump got really interesting after he started to get a few drinks in him. He began telling us how he started the vegas brothel that we were enjoying so much. Apparently, when he was 36 he was broke and stuck in a dead-end job. His only enjoyment was the weekly visit to a vegas brothel. One day he decided to act on the dream that every man has...open his very own vegas brothel. But he was broke, where is he going to get that kind of dough? You will never believe what he accomplished! He did some research on Google and decided to apply for a government grant. Of course this is a long shot, what government institution is going to fund a *vegas brothel*?! Well he ended finding a grant entitled the *Society Health Support Initiative *(or something like that). This grant was created to fund programs that helped senior citizens in the state of Nevada improve their health through exercise. Lo and behold, by doing his homework and submitted a well-written proposal he was awarded $175,000! Of course, he never mentioned the nature of the "exercise" that was going to occur in his establishment. =)

There you have it, first-hand knowledge that there is a vegas brothel funded by government grants. Only in America!

Everything About Government Grants

 [ send green star]
 
 April 14, 2005 9:17 AM

g3d2.jpg

I forgot it was my sisters bithday and sent her this lol you talk about funny She sent me a note back that I might be older than her since I forgot her birthday....but I knew it was a day to celebrate... oh boy was I blushing cause she is 12 yrs older than me...

 [ send green star]
 
anonymous  April 02, 2005 7:02 AM

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the
intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now, sit back and relax - - - OH MY GOD!!!!"
Dead silence followed.
After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize. I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. But while I was speaking, the Flight Attendant brought
me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 [report anonymous abuse]
 
 April 01, 2005 4:51 PM

OMG i'M CHASING MY STOMACH i'M LAUGHING SO HARD ,,,,,,  [ send green star]
 
 April 01, 2005 8:52 AM

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
 
That's right, in fact, the study shows that the aids virus is now found in several different strains:
 
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
 [ send green star]
 
 April 01, 2005 8:49 AM

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next
day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
      The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

 

 [ send green star]
 
The Workout April 01, 2005 4:10 AM

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.

Bend over backwards
Jump on the band wagon
Run around in circles.

Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge.

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

Rest At Last.
 [ send green star]
 
Sick Joke How To Tell Someone bad news March 31, 2005 9:00 AM

Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, hows my favorite dog doing??"

James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead!" "What?" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."

"How?" says James. "Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof," remarked Phil "tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumpped off of the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this?" "Yes." says James"

"Good!" remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?" "Yes."

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil. "Well..." James replies, "She's on the roof!"  [ send green star]
 
amazing! March 09, 2005 7:35 AM

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA.  At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.  The clerk asked for her driver's license.  She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!"  A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
 [ send green star]
 
anonymous  March 09, 2005 7:09 AM

Wolf Singer! [hehehehehe]  [report anonymous abuse]
 
 March 09, 2005 7:05 AM

Holly I know the feeling but I have musical farts with my laughter it has a beat to it

 [ send green star]
 
anonymous Everybody, hold your nose for this one! March 09, 2005 7:00 AM


I've been experiencing some difficulties with my, ummmm, "plumbing," we'll say.  I went to see the chiropractor yesterday, and when he was finished with me, it seemed that things wanted to start moving again.

Well, as it usually seems to happen, I was feeling a little gassy...

There we were, at a red light, when suddenly, I said, "Excuse me," to my husband, who looked at me and asked, "What'd ya do? Fart?"

"Actually, yes," I said, feeling the heat of embarrassment burning in my face.

Suddenly, my husband's face screwed up in a grimace, like he'd just eaten the most potent lemon in his life, and he gasped, "Whoa!" as he frantically tore the cap from his head and rolled down the window to "escort" the sour fragrance out.

I started laughing. I couldn't help it.  And the harder I laughed, the more I released! By the time that stoplight turned green again, my poor husband's face was positively glowing with a sickly green color from the lack of clean oxygen! 

I apologized like crazy to him, but it was pretty pointless, because I was laughing so hard I was in tears, myself!
 [report anonymous abuse]
 
 March 09, 2005 6:51 AM

Yesterday I went to the store and I got out of the car to go inside and did not notice that there was a slick spot. Kaaabammm down I went right in a small puddle of water... I got up and went in the store looking like I wet my pants you should of seen the looks I got so I bought what I needed and for a joke cause of all the looks I got I put a large pack of Depends in my basket.. That toped it all off you should of Seen it you would of been rolling in laughing I know I was when I got back out to the car!

 [ send green star]
 
anonymous There we go! March 08, 2005 10:31 AM

All better now!   I like your post way better, Runningfox! I took out the other one, and this one is now pinned to the home page!

 [report anonymous abuse]
 
anonymous Ummmmm March 08, 2005 10:17 AM


Jim? You just started a double thread! Now THAT'S FUNNY!  There's already a thread by this name pinned to the home page!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!              
 [report anonymous abuse]
 
The Funny Side Of Life March 08, 2005 10:10 AM

Hi I am opening this Topic so you can post some of the funny things that happen in your life..

I will start things off by sharing w an incident that happend to me the other day while in the supermarket checkout.. I had just purchased all my groceries and the cashier was beginning to ring up my items and I looked over to the young lady who was going to be them and I said to her give me a poke and she jumped back..I coiuldne't figure out what I did wrong until a black lady behind me asked me "Are you from the mountains?" Yes I said, then she said they are called paper bags down here.. Sometimes my mountain talk slips out even on the flat lands..I must admit I am a redneck cause I am Cherokee and I was born with a genuine red neck.. Have fun posting the funny side of your life but keep the wording good and plsae no sexual jokes causen the younguns sees enough of that stuff everywhere else..

Welcome to The Happy Place..Happiness is second only to love in the the three most impioratnt things in our lioves..The three most important things in our lives are..Love--Happiness-- Good Health.... Have a loving happy, good health day..

 [ send green star]

 
  New Topic              Back To Topics Read Code of Conduct

 

This group:
The Happy Place
353 Members

View All Topics
New Topic

Track Topic
Mail Preferences