College Creative Writing Course

Assignment

Course

The short story must contain the following three things:

1. Religion

2. Sexuality

3. Mystery

 

Below is the only A+ story in the entire class:

v

v

Good God, I’m pregnant.  I wonder who did it.

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A Cheyenne man goes into a grocery store, and asks for a package of toilet paper. The clerk offers him 3 kinds, Charmin, Best Brand, and Generic. The Cheyenne man takes the generic. He comes back in a week later, throws the remainder of the toilet paper at the store clerk and says, "I don't want no cheap John Wayne toilet paper!" The clerk laughs and says, "It's not John Wayne toilet paper, it's GENERIC toilet paper." The Cheyenne guy tells him, 'You can call it whatever you want, but it's rough, tough, and won't take crap off nobody!"

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A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't had physical relations in darnn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but....Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it  (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."

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A man went to trhe emergency room with a broken arm,broken nose,broken collar bone and a cut down his face running from his cheek to his chin..An emergency room doctor asked him if he was in an accident..

No he answered, I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. 

 I told her the beer would make her look better at night than  the cold cream. 

 And that's why I had to come to the emergency room ! 

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            Advice from men to women

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

   

• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

   

• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

   

• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

   

• Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

   

• Please don't drive when you're not driving.

   

• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

   

• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

   

• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

   

• What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

   

• When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

   

• When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

   

• The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

   

• SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

   

• Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

   

• If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

   

• You probably don't really want to know what we're thinking about.

   

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Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening.

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YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• You attend a General Custer memorial dinner, and you wear an Arrow shirt.
• Someone at a picnic yells "Hey, you with the blanket, over here" and you think it's an invitation for romance.
• Dancing to "Running Bear" at your local bar and it begins to Rain.
• You put a "Free Peltier" sticker on your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house.
• You could be Indian if you get into a fight with the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant over--Sopapilla, or is it Fry Bread?
• Someone inadvertently points out directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking about.
• Someone asks you your stance on immigration, and you just laugh.

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• During a night out on the town, you announce you're going home and then you drive over five hours to get there.
• You should turn your head while all about you are turning theirs and blaming it on you.
• You use commodity can labels for your art collage project
• When you get hit in the head with an old piece of fry bread you see bluebirds.
• All the people in the community or town you live in are your cousins! (cousin-brother/cousin-sister).
• Your car starts with a screwdriver.
• Tou don't understand the purpose for storage lockers or their high rental costs, Why, the cars parked in your front
  yard store just as much stuff, plus it's free.

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• Your head automatically turns at the sound of "shhhhhhhh".
• Learning your ABC's was hard because you wondered what the joke was every time you heard "A" (AAAYE)
• In your everyday life you unintentionally seem to be breaking taboos.
• You use the pick up line "...Say, those are some slick wranglers, perhaps I could talk you out of them."
• You use the pick up line "...Hey, didn't we go to different boarding schools together?"
• You wake up after your 18th birthday with a wrecked truck, a hickey and bus ticket to Haskell.
• Your relative gets a nice jacket that you wish you had so say, "Geez Hey, I reeaally like that Jacket." (and he gives it to you).

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• You have had a dog named Bear.
• Your travel luggage is designer black Hefty Cinch Sacks!
• You think that the Basic Food Groups are Spam, commodity cheese, fry bread, and Pepsi.
• Your dance outfit is in a suitcase held together by duct tape and powwow bumper stickers.
• You drive over 25mph and the paint peels off your rez truck. You tell your friends that you are letting Mother Nature sand
  it for you before you get a paint job.
• A powwow drum lead singer if your vocal nodules exceed the size of your tonsils.
• The first day at your new public school you're waiting for circle and the rest of the class stands for the pledge of allegiance, and as you look around the room you're the only one who doesn't know the words.

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A shrink helps out

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Greetings

Runningfox and I would like to take this time to welcome our new members to this funny group. Please feel free to post anything from jokes to funny pics etc.

Once again welcome to the group and I hope that you will enjoy and laugh because this is what this group is about.

Walelu and Runningfox

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