A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am
going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and
trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy
beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
[ send green star]
Bob Marshall from Bushey, Hertfordshire, was a cab driver for many years. This is a little story he experienced one day:
Prior to retirement I was driving my London black cab when an American Lady hired me to take her to 8 Cornwall Gardens, Kensington. It so happened that I had been reading a biography of Field Marshal Montgomery and I just learned that he had , in his early life , lived at that very address. On ascertaining that the American lady lived there, I told her that this had been the previous address of one of our most famous military commanders " Field Marshal Lord Viscount Bernard Law Montgomery of Alemein " . She replied: " Oh really, what flat was he in ? " .
Think of a letter between A and W Keep it in mind as you scroll down Think of an animal that begins with that letter Keep it in mind as you scroll down Think of a man or womans name that begins with the last letter in the animals name Now count out the letters in that name with the hand you are not using to scroll with Take the hand that you counted with and hold it in front of you at face level Look at your palm very closley and notice the lines in your hand Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name ?
OF COURSE NOT
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and quit playing stupid games.
A man was sitting at the table eating his breakfast when his wife came up behind him and hit him with a cooking pot. "What was that for ?" he asked, while rubbing the back of his head. "That was for the paper I found in your pocket with the name Marylou on it." she answered. "But darling," he said, "I went to the races last week and Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife belived his answer and apologized to him. The next day the man was sitting at the table and his wife came up behind him and hit him with an even bigger pan, knocking him unconscious. When he came to he mumbled "Now what was that for ?" His wife replied, "Your horse called."
[ send green star]
frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the Bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
( a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Cape Breton wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards abiscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon