Again, Carol, these are wonderful and get my family to respond "Oh my gosh" or "You can't be serious". I love it. LOL
Carol --- these are so great! I always look forward to the "Wednesday Wit" entry. Keep on keepin' us rollin' in the aisles! LOL
Here is a little more for the fun.
Twas the night before elections,
And all thru' the town,
Tempers were flaring
Emotions ran up and down.
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap,
Had shut off the TV,
tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden,
There arose such a noise,
I peered out my window,
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet,
They wanted my pay
To hand out to others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money,
And quick as a wink,
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink.
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart.
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, on Pelosi!
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause,
And as they flew out of sight,
I heard him laugh at a nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note...
IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA , OUR ONLY HOPE.....
WAVE OUR FLAG HIGH!!!
Linda and Carol, both of you bring so much it is a great way to start the day thank you so much
Thanks for the chuckles.....
Carol, you are a God send, without you life would not be the same, I cannot wait for next Wednesday, so much it is great.
Carol, awesome. You made my day. Dentist yesterday and that was not a problem, it was an incident in the waiting room that got me down and so you humor today is perfect. Thank you so much.
They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question:
"List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico; and,
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
hahahahahahahahahahaha..Linda you have turned comedienne on us! Love this so much my sides are aching!
Glad you liked it Diane. I am so tempted to do that next year on my income taxes, anyone else?
It may not be Wednesday, but here is another for the weekend.
In church on Sunday, I overheard the little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
These past couple of years have been tough.... You have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite Cowboy James Arness, my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite salesman Billy Mays.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.
For those that have never watched NewsBusted, here is the link for today's and it is so funny. Jodi Miller does a great job.
Linda and Carol, I only have one thing to say, I love both you, I want to give you both a Big
All right Diane, I am sorry, forgive me, and lets make up
This post was modified from its original form on 18 Nov, 12:40
wait....not just yet...I'll want to tidy up a bit first...
Cinderella is now 90 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch
With a cat named Bob for companionship.
One afternoon out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" "Cinderella," she replied, "You have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, She uttered her first wish...
"The prince was wonderful but he was not a very good investor. I am living
Hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I was quite wealthy.
And, almost instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!"
"Well, it's the least I can do. What is your second wish?"
Cinderella looked at her frail body and said, "I wish that I
Was young again with the beauty and youth I once had."
Her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful appearance returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother said, "You have one more wish... What is it?"
Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said...
"I would like to have Bob, my old cat, transformed into a kind and
Handsome young man."
Almost magically, the cat underwent a fundamental a change in his Biological make-up and, when he stood before her, he was a man so Handsome, the likes of him that she had never seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella!
Enjoy your new life."
And then, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Bob gazed into each
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most handsome and
Stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
And he held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing into her golden hair with his warm breath,
As he quietly whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
hahahaha....fantastic....you are the light of Political Derby!
Sandra, you never fail, always bring a to me and mywife
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions..
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
This post was modified from its original form on 23 Nov, 4:18
Carol, thank you for the reminder. To our Canadian members, we are sorry to have missed wishing you a Happy Holiday. Hope that it was pleasant for all.
OUTSTANDING CAROL!! These are always so much fun. Thank you for all you bring to Political Derby!
Carol, I see you are at your finest once more. LOL Seriously, I do love these and have started to cut and past them and send them to family as they are priceless. Thank you so much.
Please, please go to this web site and watch the video. It will make our day, trust me.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
Linda, it may be that way for you, but my family is like trail mix--mostly nuts with a few sweets!
David, mine, too. And a few sour pickles.
Just gets better all the time, Carol.
Carol, I love you wit and I look forward to more in the New Year and beyond, I wish all the joy of Christmas and a Jolly Happy New Year, and I thank you for gven me so many
What a GREAT THREAD! So happy I dropped by.
Thanks contributors! ~ Alice
Carol is a treasure to Political Derby. So glad she is with us. And, Alice, you need to stop by more often. You are our kind of people full of life!
Carol, true to form delivering the laughter and much needed chuckles at the end of a long year of disappointment in our President. I loved these and keep 'em coming, baby!!
President Obama Eating A Baby's Arm
Looks like he's enjoying that baby hand a litttttle too much.
This is sooo normal. A beautiful baby exploring his/her limits fascinated with someone's "mouth."
Yes, that sure was a great picture of what appears to be a happy president and a happy young tot, but I guess Obama didn't hear what the little tyke said to his mother as soon as Obama handed him back: "Mommy, mommy, He Ate My Booger."
Carol, I love you so, you never fail to make me every Wednesday, I am of the opinion there should be more Wednesdays in a week, thank you.
Carol, Linda, Diane and all of you funny guys and gals, I too enjoy the refresher and change of pace, BUT; so early in the morning??? I'm barely awake when I get on the 'puter, and a couple of those quips really exercised my brain from having been idle for the last 7 hours to having to think about what they meant. But don't stop doing it. I'll adjust. LOL LOL.
Jim, Carol has kept this thread going and it is the one thing that we all look forward to each Wednesday. You are just right, it is nice to have a change of pace. Any ideas you might have for something that is enjoyable and non-political that you would like to see, please don't hesitate as that is part of what makes the Group more interesting; you can only take so much intense politics before you need a break.
We might have to get Diane to start another group participation story. She starts it and post a couple of sentences or a paragraph and then each person that wants to participate adds their contribution; it could start with a man and woman going on a vacation to who knows where it would go and the more humor you can interject the better. We have done it a few times and it was great fun; one gal met a guy and it was so funny to see all the different directions it went based on each person's personality. So, if we ask and people are interested this is a fun one, Diane.
TEXAS POLICE DO CARE!
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Texas police do care.
Fantastic, Sandra!! Take that damn Obama shirt off! All of you are hitting on the pistons today.
Yes, LindaC, I'll start a story.
Good for the Texas police (LOL) would be so funny if it really had happened, would it not?
Carol, my friend, you can always be counted on to come through when humor is most needed. Bless you and thank you.
Carol, is there no end to this "pun"ishment? Keep them comin'
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Oh Carol, how wonderful. Thank you so much.
Excellent, Carol and thank you so much. I think that next Wednesday we should consider closing this thread and starting Wednesday Wit Page Two as this one is getting so long it takes me too long to get to the new fun. This thread would still be available for us to return to for laughs, as well. What do you think, Carol and others? Or am I just being too lazy?
That Peeking Duck was hilarious: I don't know why, but I expected much worse; especially after having heard so many "TAILS" about Chinese Restaurants and Cats.
Thanks for a very vocal and hearty laugh for me this early in the morning.
That quote on the bottom of the page, though, should have been left off: although it certainly did no harm. That was what my Chinese Friends in New Jersey would always say to me when we went to their restaurant. It was the same thing as our WISHING ONE ANOTHER A Happy, Healthy and of course, prosperous New Year. But I guess in reality, that's a GOOD WISH at ANY TIME OF THE YEAR.
Jim, those cat "tails" are true. When I was living in Chapel Hill, NC, a Chinese Restaurant got in trouble. Neighborhood cats were disappearing and the authorities found the restaurant's freezer full of them.
Weds wit is a good feature, Linda. But you are right - there are 66 entries there right now, and that covers from October 26th and forward.
Maybe, you could limit that to an approximate time frame or number of posts and then renew them.
One question though: if someone wanted to go back further than the current ones, can that be done? Or is it a matter of ONCE you create the new page, the others are GONE FOREVER?
I sometimes miss seeing a new addition, but catch up to it a few days later. And that is why I ask, because some of them are VERY GOOD and shouldn't be missed.
Sandra, how unappetizing. LOL LOL.
I'd heard of the Chinese, over in their own country, enjoying DOGS as a meat treat, but I was always of the impression that the story about the cats was just a "friendly" type of joke about our Chinese Resteurateurs.
One day, at my office, my mechanic came in with his Cowboy Hat on and from it, hung this long grey tail. I looked at him and at it, and asked him where he'd gotten such a novel piece of trim for his cowboy hat.
In a very DEAD PAN FACE, he said that he'd stopped at the South Pacific (my friend's restaurant) and had lunch, and on the way out to his car, one of the kitchen workers was taking garbage out the the dumpsters, and this tail was sticking out of the box. I really didn't know how to take that, but I just shrugged it off at the time.
Now, although I rarely go to Chinese Restaurants any more, I think I know why, some times when I would ask them WHAT THEY GAVE ME, rather than saying Pork, or Cauliflower or something English sounding, the would say Oh, Jim, Dat Chinese Vegetable or Chinese Meat. LOL LOL. Well it didn't do me any harm, as I never had to be rushed to the hospital for food poisoning. LOL LOL.
Thanks for reaffirming my dislike for Chinese Restaurants. LOL
THE SMILING JEW
A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.;
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says
' Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice.
Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender.
"He owns this place."
So, the nastiness for that nasty Anti Semitic Customer Back Fired Big Time - and that is the reason that you should always be ware, that if a Jewish Business Owner is wearing a very big smile, when you think he should not be - you can bet he got one over on you. LOL LOL.
All of these are wonderful. Carol thanks so much....loved The Peeking Duck!! Thanks, too, James, for the above story. How funny!!
All of our threads are saved (archived). Click Home Page and at the bottom of the last thread topic you'll see "more discussions" or something similar and click and all of our threads will reappear.
Thanks Diane for your directions in finding ARCHIVED ITEMS. I thought that once they were gone, they went up into CYBER SPACE somewhere like to a HAPPY HUNTING GROUND or something.
I'll have to check it out one of these days.