Thanks Sandra: Now, to follow up the UGLY GIRL STORY and a couple of others, heres one about some retired POKER PLAYERS:
THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
LOL, this are so funny. You two are great.
Thanks Carol; you've started off the morning making people think. Sometimes that's quite an accomplishment for some people. Maybe we should have a "WITTICISM" every morning in order to put a smile on everyone's face. Most people who can start off the day with a smile, finish it with one as well, and can you imagine, having a full day without GRUMPS???
Carol, I have started a booklet of your Wednesday Wit as I think we would all enjoy re-reading them. Thank you, thank you!!!!
LOL!! Don't ever judge a crook by his brother!!!!!!
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a Brothel
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something..
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
Oh my gosh, that is so funny. Sandy, thank you.
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe
it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of
his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little
'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's
A man and his wife, moved back home to Tennessee, from Indiana .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to get insurance on it back in Indiana it cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Tennessee, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Tennessee to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Indiana !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it is $39. You just have to know how to describe it!"
(HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done"; don't we?)
yep, we sure do....
That was a great story Sandy, but just to clear the record:
I think a notice was posted yesterday or the day before, that we would no longer show disrespect to the people of Southern Heritage by calling them "Hillbilly's" If I'm not mistaken, any citizens who now reside south of the Mason Dixon Line, and East of the Mississippi River shall be referred to in the POLITICALLY CORRECT Manner of being known as "Well Influenced Appalachians."
Did I get that Correctly???
Geez; I almost missed some good ones this morning.
Carol: "Sighing Flossers?" LOL LOL - That was cute as were the other couple of stories you told.
Thanks. My day is getting brigher.
But of course it would be ever so much brighter if we were to receive some POSITIVE NEWS FROM CaPITOL HILL??????
hey there, buddie,
who are you callin a "well influenced appalachian?"
Yeah, Jim, remember I am still in Virginia.
I know where you are, but just like if you were standing in a Garage - that wouldn't make you a car, now would it? So the fact that you are PRESENTLY in Virginia, doesn't QUALIFY YOU FOR BEING A WELL INFLUENCED APPALACHIAN either. You are a Natural Born Washingtonian - but I'm not for sure just how long you have to be in the SOUTH in order to be recognized as either an APPALACHIAN or a HILLBILLY. LOL LOL.
Now tell me HONESTLY - and this would go to both of you, although, I am of the belief, Diane, that NOT ALL VIRGINIANS are considered equal. I was chewed out by a Realtor several years ago, for calling him a Southerner and the only reason I did that was because I knew that he was from Fairfax Va.
He told me, and then even my Carol told me that there is a line in which you are NO LONGER CONSIDERED A SOUTHERNER and that people from Fairfax, Arllington, Alexandria etc take exception to being considered Southern - as those cities that I just mentioned are very explicitly located in NORTHERN VIRGINIA. WEll, how was I supposed to know that? So I guess that the majoritiy of people living above that line are NORTHERN VIRGINIANS if I am to believe what I've been told. But Carole lived in Fairfax for well over 20 years before I ever met her so I figured she had to know. LOL LOL. However, whether y'all are Southern, Hicks, Hillbillies, or just every day ornery folk like me, I still love ya. LOL LOL.
Jim, Diane is going to have to help us out here as I am very confused as to what is Southern, what is Eastern and where Northern begins. The one thing I have been told, though, is you have to look at the Civil War and Confederacy and Virginia, my friend, is the heart of the Confederacy and Southern all the way in this. That is part of the historical appeal of Virginia to me; so much history.
No, I am a natural born Washatonian, you are right. LOL
You have at least two friends who have no idea what their relatives do...because its "top secret" government work
Most of your senior class wend to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA
When people ask where you're from, you tell them DC because its easier to explain
You've never told someone you're from Virginia without putting "northern," "central," or "southern" in front of it (See above.)
It's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.
You know yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through. A red light means 2 more can.
You actually know what the black boxes at stoplights are for.
Despite the fact that Virginia fought for the south in the Civil War, you are not, under any circumstances, a "southerner"
You are amused by visiting relatives who are actually excited to see Washington, DC
You took a field trip to Williamsburg as a kid
You are amazed when you go out of town and the people at McDonalds speak English
You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag
An inch of snow and you miss 3 days of school
All the potholes just add a little excitement to your driving experience
Crown Victoria = undercover cop
Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as Metro, and only Metro.
They just tore down the old farm house across the street and put 12 new McMansions in its place
For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa
If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have three new names.
You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor
"Vacation" means spending a day at King's Dominion or Busch Gardens.
"Going to the River" means any stream with water.
You have never been served tea without the waitress asking "sweet or unsweetened?"
Your favorite past time is telling West Virginia jokes.
Anyone who can't trace his or her ancestry back to at least four generations in Virginia is an outsider.
"Going to the beach" means anywhere from Ocean City to Virginia Beach to Myrtle Beach.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Virginia.
Jim, what about their dogs? Are they considered 'well influenced appalachian', too?
Why do those guys look so familiar?
I'd like to bet that if a West Virginia Veterinarian Criminal Forensics Expert tested those three guys, he'd find that just like most W. Virginians, they all have the same DNA. Isn't that why there are only 7 different last names in a W. Virginian telephone book?
Not so sure that you'd call Southern Dogs anything other than whatever you call them in any other place though but those dogs sure do look like some Southern Folk that I've met. LOL LOL.
For your fun and pleasure, I found a "FUN WORDS: directory for southern speaking: Enjoy.
Funny Southern Words
Lets look at a few funny Southern words before we look at funny sayings. Any Southern male can be called Bubba or Junior. Your bottom or rear end is referred to as your hiney. The word said is pronounced sed, roots are pronounced ruts, and the word for ought is ort. Duttin means doesnt or to be sure, aint is another way of saying are not, and yall is short for you all.
Following are some funny words that portray a special kind of wisdom only found in the South. Some of them are not laugh out loud funny but are pretty interesting.
About to pop - means you are full after eating a lot
A mind to - means you are thinking about doing something
Cain't never could - caint is a combination of cant and aint, the saying means you will never do it if you dont try
Hit the bushes - means to go to the bathroom
Huzzy - means a bad woman, like one that would take your husband
That dog will hunt - means that is a good idea or plan
The next set of funny words dont need an explanation. They are either words to live by, insults for other people, or just colorful exclamations.
He couldnt carry a tune in a bucket.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesnt have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
Hes about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldnt have enough to saddle a Junebug.
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
Shes so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
The engines runnin but nobodys driving.
Theyre off like a herd of turtles.
Well that just dills my pickle!
Well, dont you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
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You could start an argument in an empty house.
Since rednecks are predominantly poor people who live in the South, Southern sayings and redneck sayings are often the same or similar. One way to know youre a redneck is if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Here are some funny redneck sayings to go with your funny Southern words:
I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Im happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldnt blow his nose.
Thats about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
If everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane!
Hes so rich; he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
I think hes one fry short of a Happy Meal.
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
Judging by the vocabulary as seen on this board, I'm almost inclined to say that we don't have a ONE RED NECK IN THE BUNCH. LOL LOL.
These are hillarious, Jim. I'm a former Yankee living in fly-over country and I've heard or said several of these. Gee, I just might be a closet Red Neck.
Alright, I know I have only been in Virginia 4 years, but I can trace back my ancestry 5 generations in Virginia, clear back to Jamestown, actually. LOL
As for the rest, 90% are not true of where I am in Virginia, trust me. Example, 1 inch of snow and school is closed as the rest of the school district is in the mountains and has 5 inches (LOL). You go 1/10th of a mph over the speed limit an you get stopped, and then there are a few others. I would add that the people do not know how to pronounce Appalachian either. Everywhere else in the U.S. it is App a lay shan; here it is App a lat shun. Someone needs to tell them how to say it. If you ask for tea you have a responsibility to tell them you don't want sweet tea or you will get it and if you order a soda, check before you leave a fast food place as it is probaby sweet tea. That should do it, except there is a reason why you put northern, central or southern Virginia together and not say I am from Virginia, they are 3 distinctly different states much like the reason in Washington State you say you are either from Eastern Washington or Western Washington; the money is in the Northern (or at least the Northeastern in Virginia, the Southern is poor because it is in the Ap a lat shun's. At least that is the attitude in the way they explain it in Southern Virginia. LOL
This has been so much fun today; thank you everyone for contributing.
Well, tracing back via a family tree or genealogy could definitely bring lots of surprises to lots of people. And if you had family 5 generations back that lived in Virginia, it's not surprising that some of them may have traveled Westward Ho. Perhaps some were a party to the Donner Clan who got stranded in the mountains of Western Nevada just below Lake Tahoe and introduced this country to the first known cases of Cannibalism. Of course that wasn't because anyone there wished to be a cannibal, but necessity can make people do strange things out of desperation.
So you may have had a couple of Gold Miners in your family from WAY WAY BACK TOO.
I had an aunt on the boat that was used during the Boston Tea Party. Yeah, she was an OLD BAG SO THEY THREW HER OVERBOARD. LOL LOL.
Anyway, I really don't doubt that people in Virginia, (Real Virginians) are very poor drivers when it comes to driving in snow. Although I do know that it snows infrequently in Virigina I've been there when the snow was more than 3 or 4 inches of accumulation on the highways, and in just an hour's time, I've witnessed as many as 4 and 5 single car accidents. Knock on wood, in places like New Jersey and likely up in Northern Washington State, most people could drive all day and all night in snow and ice and not have a mishap.
As to pronunciations of different words, I know that there are varying colloquialisms throughout this big old country of ours, and you really have to be well traveled to know them all.
I've learned by experience that you don't order a root beer soda in California if you don't want a big plop of ice cream in it. IF just plain soda is what you want, you order POP.
I've further learned that there is no such place as La Jolla (at least not if you pronounce it like it looks. When you pronounce it La Hoya, you will get much better directions. Same thing with El Cajon - you must ask for El Ka Hohn. LOL LOL.
As to the Appalachians, I've always called them the Appa Lay Chins and no one has ever corrected me, so I guess I'm close enough and they just attribute it to my combination of a New York and New Jersey Accent.
I've heard some stories about the SWEET TEA that is served down your way and as much as I used to like sweetener in my coffee or tea, I don't think I could down a cup of what you describe without making some horrible faces. Yet, I understand that is what most people really enjoy.
And you are most likely correct about the money being in the North Eastern Portion of Va in the general vicinity of the bordering areas of the Del Mar Va. The greatest portion of the population is in some way involved out that way with Government work and thus doing quite well. And yes, I can see just by some of the homes that I've looked at, how someone could mention that for the price of a house in that area of Virginia, you could buy a small town out in one of the Mid West States. LOL That was pretty funny.
Funny, that I never noticed much of a diffence in the Eastern and Western areas of Washington though as I've spent time in Seattle, Samish Island and Chehalis. All three of them seemed to be somewhat affluent and then having spent a little more time last year touring Both Astoria, Oregon and north of there along the waterfront for several hours and saw nothing really that looked in anyway poor or decrepit.
As to going over a SPEED LIMIT; don't get the idea that such problems are unique to that area.
I've heard some very horrific stories about towns throughout this country where the police have absolutely ZERO TOLERANCE to SPEED LIMITS and to see a road with a 60 MPH speed limit and then all of a sudden as you are passing a big Fat Oak Tree, you will notice a sign that says CITY LIMITS - speed 17 MPH while you were still doing 60 or so, seems to be coming a popular way for small town police departments to be able to support themselves rather nicely. And God Forbid, if you mouth off at the unfairness of it, as they'll drag your butt into the court room, settle your fine and as you are very carefully leaving town, they'll nail you again, but this time for not going fast enough. It's really ridiculous.
Have a great day.
Big fun here today!! Well, I AM a real southerner born and raised in Virginia Beach, VA on the North Carolina line. However.....let me be clear, my Georgia friends tell me I'm still "from up north" as far as they are concerned LOL. I've lived in "northern" Virginia for nearly eight years now and I love it. It is a melting pot...people from all over the world....but when I talk....they ask me where I'm from....too funny.
Growing up we considered even northern Virginia southern but that's not the case anymore. Maryland is the Mason-Dixon line and that is considered the southern tip of the north. From there on up .... no more southern accents.
Sandy, loved the dogs hahaha
A whistling woman and a crowing hen never comes to a very good end. (be who you are)
Ain't that the berries! (that is great!)
As easy as sliding off a greasy log backward. (very easy)
Barking up the wrong tree. (you are wrong)
Be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon. (you aren't involved, so stay out of it)
Busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time. (very busy)
Caught with your pants down. (surprised and unprepared)
Chugged full. (full and over-flowing)
Do go on. (you must be joking)
Don't bite off more than you can chew. (attempt what you can accomplish)
Don't count your chickens until they hatch. (first know the results)
Don't let the tail wag the dog. (the cheif is in charge, not the Indians)
Don't let your mouth overload your tail. (talking too much)
Either fish or cut bait. (work or make way for those who will)
Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then. (everyone is sometimes lucky)
Every dog should have a few feas. (no one is perfect)
Fly off the handle. (angry and lashing out)
Get the short end of the stick. (not invited and treated wrong)
Give down the country. (give someone a peice of your mind)
Go hog wild. (have a good time)
Go off half-cocked. (have only half the facts)
Go to bed with the chickens. (in bed early)
Go whole hog. (go for it all)
Gone back on your raisin. (deny heritage)
Got your feathers ruffled. (upset and pouting)
Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. (doesn't grasp or worry what's going on)
Have no axe to grind. (no strong opinion)
Holler like a stuck pig. (someone mislead you)
I do declare. (usually means nothing)
In high cotton. (rising up in society)
In a coon's age. (been a long time)
Like a bump on a log. (lazy and doing nothing)
Like two peas in a pod. (act and think alike)
Mend fences. (settle differences) AIM TO- plan to do
Scarce as hen's teeth. (no such thing)
Sight for sore eyes. (Nice to you!)
Stomping grounds. (familiar territory)
Sun don't shine on the same dog's tail all the time. (you'll get what you deserve)
That takes the cake. (surprised)
Too big for one's britches. (someone taking themself too seriously)
Two shakes of a sheep's tail. (done quickly)
Well, shut my mouth. (shocked and speechless)
BIGGITY- vain and overbearing
BITTY BIT- a small amount
CARRY ON- to carry on foolishness
CLODHOPPER- heavy work shoes or large shoes
CHUNK- throw, toss
COW LICK- hair standing out on one's head.
DIRECTLY- in a little while, or a couple of weeks
DIXIE- Southern States of the U.S.A
DO-HICKY- substitute name. Like the terms whata-ma-call-it or thinga-ma-jig
FALLING OUT- disagreement
FEISTY- being frisky
FIXING TO- about to
HOLD YOUR HORSES- (be patient)
HONEY- affectionate term
LAID UP- ill, hurt, unable to work
MESS-one who carries on, "He's a mess."
MUCH OBLIGED- thank you; hope to return the favor
PIDDLE- waste time, doing nothing
PLAYING POSSUM- playing dead
RECKON- think or supose so.
SHINDIG- dance or celebration
SMOKEHOUSE- Shed with a dirt floor where pork and other meats is cured, and then smoked.
SORRY- inferior quality, worthless, and lazy
SOUTHERN BELLE- Southern lady
SPRING CHICKEN- young thing
SWEET TALKING THING- has a good line
TIGHT- stingy with money
WAIT ON- serve or assist
WART-TAKER-one who removes warts by charms or incantations
WHITE LIGHTNING- moonshine whiskey
WORRY-WART- one who is annoying
YA'LL or Y'ALL (can be spelled both ways)- you all, two or more people
AIM TO- plan to do
Hold on, Linda, you are using my family's vernacular!! Especially that "sweet talking." Another one: "fixin to go." We've talked on the phone...do I have a southern accent? Be kind.
Okay, she opened the door so here it is. Everyone, Diane does not have as thick of a Southern Accent as most of the people around where I am now, not at all. But I think that is as much the area of Virginia where she was born and grew up; with the influx of a lot of Northerners in the D.C. area, I would think it is not as thick as where I am living right now. It is so bad here that I have had to nicely ask sales people to repeat what they said to me which can be embarrassing as it certainly draws attention to the fact that I am not from here.
Sweet tea: now that takes an acquired taste. First, I don't sweeten my tea or my coffee, so that makes it an adjustment. Second, when we say sweet tea in the PNW where I am from, it means you take a teaspoon or two of sugar and stir it into your tea. Not here, they actually make a sugar syrup and pour it into the tea. It is more like drinking syrup with tea flavoring.
Here is a good one; up North we order Canadian Bacon and Pineapple pizza. Canadian bacon, for those that are not familiar with it, is thin slices of curred ham and comes in circles about 3 inches in diameter for pizza. It comes is a little larger circular slices for sandwiches, etc. Well, my daughter loves that and so do the grandsons. She asked me to call Pappa John's or some such place and order that type of pizza. First, the gal had no idea what I was talking about and so when it came, it was crumbled bacon and pineapple; can't fault them, they don't have Canadian bacon in the south, apparently and they heard bacon and that is what we got. I found out you order ham and pineapple here and get something more close to what I was asking.
Football: Only in the south will you find high school football games televised and only in the South will you find it the National Sport. Now I love football, don't kid yourself, and I love high school, college and pro football; wouldn't miss my favorite teams playing for the world; but to watch high school I have to dress warm and head for the high school football field with my blanket, thermos of coffee and proceed to screem my lungs out; I don't get the comfort of my sofa in my warm home. Football is enjoyed, yes, but so is basketball (Go Gonzaga and Georgetown), baseball, soccer, and a few other sports such as wrestling and gymnastics.
However, one of the most distinct differences in PNW speech and other areas is that we soften a lot of the hard consonants. You will just have to talk to me in person sometime to hear the difference as I really can't explain it.
Something else that is very prevalent in Washington and Oregon, as well as Idaho, Montana, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico especially and some of Colorado and Wyoming is that so many places and definitely cities are Native American names; Chelais, Yakima, Seattle, Spokane, Nespelem, Nehalem, Humptulips, Selah, Kathlamet, Wenatchee, Chelan, Snoqualmie, Walla Walla, Wilamette, Corvalis, Hoaquim, Sela, Puyallup, Tacoma, Quinalt, and Tillamook, just to name a few of the many, many Native American names used. A good percentage are actual Native American tribal names and some have been modified; Seattle is named for Chief Sealth of the Sammamish Tribe. There are the Flathead, and many others in Montana, and of course Navajo, Hopi, and many, many more in the southwest of the U.S. Due to the fur trading the French have had an influence, too, as well as the Hudson's Bay Company. About 30 miles from Spokane is the beautiful Lake Coeur d'Alene and the town named for the lake.
Sorry, I do go on, don't I.
Celibacy can be a choice in life
or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Jack and his wife Roxanne, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Jack leaned over, touched Roxanne’s arm gently and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?”
And thus began Jack's life of celibacy.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cute. Although I guess Jack doesn't think so any more.
Carol, you lit up my Wednesday once more. Thank you so very much. Being a Simon and Garfuncle (sp?) fan, the first one was priceless. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Carol for bringing laughter into the room!
love THOSE Murphy Twins!!!! So funny!! Thanks, Carol....you outdid yourself on these.
Calling the Last Rites A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
Calling the Last Rites
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And my FAVORITE;
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes .
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."
You guys are funny this afternoon LOL!!! Thanks for posting these. It's Wednesday in America and this was much needed.
Carol, you are a jewel....
Carol, this is the highlight of Wednesday and I can hardly wait for the next one and your special present to all of the member of PD. Thank you so very much and today was wonderful. I love the "galleon" and yes, "Hale Mary Fuller Grace" will go down as one that will keep me laughing for some time.
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and
say, Picabo, I.C.U. A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!
(Admit it ... you're smiling)
I love this weekly column so much....you have no idea!!! Thanks so much Carol and, yes, you, too, Linda!! Such a wonderful diversion from politics and we have it here .... right here...on Political Derby. PRICELESS!!!
That's a good one, Linda!
Carol, you're an endless source of wonderful puns.
Where do you find these?
I would like to know where Carol finds her wonderful posts as they are so wonderful. As for mine, Diane, I have some crazy, nutty friends that share and they are so much fun I have to share them with my PD family. Sandy, you have some great ones and Jim, keep them coming. But to you, Carol, I thank you for this thread and your creation of a place where we can forget politics and just have some good, honest means for laughter, the medicine that heals the soul.
Carol, just when I think you could not top your Wednesday Wit, you prove me wrong. These are wonderful. Thank you so much for making the day much brigher and happier.
And now a few seconds for an Automobile Salesman and a Smart Assed Customer:
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor.
******** And thanks for the other couple of SMILEY stories that appeared today as well. Jim
Sandy, I had to repost this picture. It is priceless!!!...they love Wednesday Wit, too! See? They are smiling.
This post was modified from its original form on 11 Apr, 11:24
This post was modified from its original form on 11 Apr, 11:25
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed
a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
lOVE IT, SANDY...I love the pictures so much!! Thanks for delivering another one!!
Linda C. and Diane O. my family is from hillsville , va and we have traced are ancestry back to the late 1700s when we came over from england and we have a family reunion every year in hillsville.
Maxine Improvises: This One's a Little Stinker: Maybe, you even consider it a big stinker???
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !
Very good, Carol and Jim, yours was excellent, too. It makes the week much more fun.
Very good, as always, Carol. Look forward to the Wednesday Wit every week. Especially liked the "if it is baroque, don't Vicks it. Thank you so much for the humor.
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH:
The brother who ate prunes........................Gotta Gogh
His dizzy Aunt...........................................Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at concenience store...Stop N Gogh
The Grandfather from Yugoslavia....................U Gogh
His magician uncle........................................Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin......................................A Mee Gogh
Mexican cousin's American half brother.............Gring Gogh
The nephew tho drove a stage coach ............. Wells-far-Gogh
The constipated uncle................................... Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.............................. Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle....................................... Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.................................... Man Gogh
Aunt into positive thinking .............................. Way-to-Gogh
The bouncy nephew ...................................... Poe-Gogh
Sister who loves disco .................................... Go Gogh
Neice who travels in an RV.................................Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you guys smiling.............there ya Gogh!!
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time
you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Sandy, just sent you a big green star for this....priceless!!
Carol, these are wonderful and I am still laughing so hard. I do think that Obama should have had the cross between the Bull Terrier and Shitzu; maybe that is the problem, he ate too many of this breed and now he is full of ............
I do believe I owe all of you an apology for that last comment, just couldn't resist, though.
Thanks, CarolK, Sandy and Linda. Hilarius!
never look a gift horse in the mouth
27 min ago
The oldest excuse known to mankind: Here's How It Happened. God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under His breath), "Geez......" And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said.... "What's a headache?" and the rest is history!
Some more of your excellent humor for us, thank you Carol.