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Need help with love August 17, 2004 4:42 PM

Hi all, I need some help, some advice. The more the better. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years now and i am very much in love. I am completely committed to the relationship. But lately i have begun to feel very lonely. I know he loves me...but he never says it. Why is this so? Its not like i have not discussed this with him. But it pains that it still does not help. I am a very affectionate person and for me the smallest things matter more than the big ones. For instance, it gives me so much happiness to just hold his hand when we walk together. But he is not comfortable. These might seem really small things...but it is building up a bitterness in me. I feel let down. I feel unworthy. Is there someway this can be rectified? I know i love him and always will. I never want to be away from him. And i know i cannot love anyone else again. But, i feel so incomplete lately, i feel so taken for granted. He says he does not believe in these small gestures. But he did once when we first fell in love. Why should it change now? And i know it cannot be anyone else. That is impossible. Its just that he is not the same he was. I think its been ages since he said "i love you". We both used to say this atleast 10 times a day and now both of us don't say it. I'd love to. But now i don't know if it means much to him. What do i do? I feel so lost. Please help me...it hurts like mad  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 17, 2004 5:02 PM

I'm sorry but I have no advice hun...I haven't found my "speacial one" yet soooo I have little possative experience to draw from in that dept.... But I can send you a and hope that things are better soon  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Hi Geetha August 17, 2004 10:53 PM

This is a delicate subject, no one should give advice in love matters, so just take mine as comments from an old woman. I see you are very young and romantic and as everybody you like to hear the "I LOVE YOU" said many times. When I met my husband I was 16 and we would be all day on the phone or toguether with "I love you... no I do more..." holding hands, embracing etc. But when you know that the person loves you, its more by deeds of other sort, the way you are respected and cared. The romance is nice, my husband still likes to hold hands or put his hand on my shoulder as we walk on the street, I dont mind holding hands but I hate the possesive hand on the shoulder, and I love him. I don't tell him so anymore, but after having 5 children and going through all kinds of situations with him for more than 50 years its what we know and feel not so much the gestures. There are men who will say I love you constantly, and maybe to more than one woman at a time...others will never say so but would give their lives for the spouse. Only you can know if your boyfriend loves you,if you are sure then you should not worry if he doesn't say it, even if it could be nicer. But you also mention that you don't say it anymore, why? Don't you love him also? If you want to keep the romantic side of love then do what you used to even if he doesn't. Will he refuse if you hold his hand? Some men think love demonstrations, specially in public are not nice and in private not neccesary, it also depends very much on education, age, personality and environment. Some also think its a sign of weakness to be romantic because they are men and that is for women. But deep inside they enjoy a candlelight table for two, a present just because you think of him, a kiss of welcome and a hug. I wish you all the best of happiness Geetha for many many years and Ruth  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Dear Ruth August 17, 2004 11:24 PM

Thank you for the wonderful message. I do believe that experience teaches a lot and so your words matter a lot. You ask, why it is that i have stopped saying "I love you" and the answer is, i feel discomfort! I feel, maybe he won't like it! Maybe its not something he wants to hear and thats why he doesn't say it. I did not come to this place without reason. I have seen that he does not respond well to emotional intimacy. If i say something romantic...even in privacy, i can see a little discomfort in his disposition because he doesn't know how to respond. But the deal is that he was not like this. And even though some may feel this is a petty topic, i have craved all my life to have a partner in my life who is not ashamed of acknowledging me in public. I am not asking him to kiss me for God's sake. You know, there was this one day that we were travelling by cab. I put my palm over his hand and held it and as we were travelling i noticed he was not holding me back. I was praying in my heart and asking God to give me some sign that i was just being paranoid abt this. And suddenly, he took away even that hand! You have no idea the sudden pain i felt in my heart! Like i said, this might sound a little petty, but these were a few little things which meant a lot to me and i told him so always. So even if it is not in his character now...can't he walk the small mile for my happiness? Believe me i walk all the time for whatever are his wishes. I am not demanding something in return of the love i have for him...but at the same time, i really do wish he would sometime look out for my wishes too...which are not too much as i see them. Are they?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Dear Geetha August 18, 2004 10:07 AM

Nowadays a girl will brake up with boyfriend or husband if he was not up to her standards,I read you have gone through a divorce already so you know how that hurts. You are young and have a child and all your life ahead, so think very carefuly if you are ready to feel lonely and needing care from him the rest of your life, because it seems to me that the relation in his part is getting cold. If he can't give you a sound reason for keeping a distance when you say at the beggining he was so nice, then something is not working, and it is better to shed a tear now than the rest of your relation. I'm sorry if I can't help you with a direct answer, its up to you to decide. As they say: lay your cards on the table, talk to him again and I hope light will come your way and you do the right choice. with blessings and love Ruth  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Geetha... August 18, 2004 10:23 AM

I noticed on your personal profile that one of the reasons you've joined Care2 is for "dating". And yet you say you've been in a relationship for 4 years, that you're in love, and that you can't love someone else. I think you should fix (or finalize) your current relationship before you start thinking about a new one?? Just a word of advice from someone old enough to be your Mom!! Best of luck to you!!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Tracy is right August 18, 2004 12:34 PM

I just didn't notice what Tracy points at so well Geetha. If you want to date its probably because you are already thinking of braking up your relation. I think you have a lot to meditate about and decisions to take, more than advice from others that don't know the real situation, its up to you to solve it. Ruth  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 18, 2004 2:07 PM

I'm sending prayers and good thoughts to you. Also a story from my own life. Some years ago, after my wife and I had been married about a decade, I once leaned over her while she was typing a paper and said, "I love you." She didn't say a word. I leaned over again and said, "I lover you." Still no response. On my third attempt she snapped at me and said, "When you say it so much it doesn't mean anything!" I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I didn't say those words again for almost five years. Eventually she asked why I never told her I loved her. When I related the story she was shocked. Maybe she was in a bad mood that day. Maybe she was mad at me about something. But her thoughtless moment put a rift in our relationship for a long time. She apologised. What I SHOULD have done was keep saying those words. I should have said them later that day, later that week, later that year. But I didn't. Keep telling your man how much you love him. Leave him a note or two. Eventually he will respond. Maybe he simply doesn't understand how much it means to you, as my wife didn't understand. Regardless, you are a loveable and loving person. If he doesn't recognise that...some else will. That's a promise. Chuck G.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
A Tangled Web..... August 19, 2004 2:05 PM

Oh what a tangled web we weave in love. Sometimes love can cause us to do some of the stupidest things. Never having been in a long term relationship I'm affraid I have nothing truly to offer in the way of advice. I also agree with Ruth when she says we shouldn't really offer advice on such a sensitive subject, but rather offer our personal story and experience. I also agree with Chuck when he says that you should continue to let your man know that you love him and maybe use different methods like little notes or kind acts. I offer the following quote as a source of inspiration. "I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear." George Eliot  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Really sorry about the dating thing! August 20, 2004 5:55 AM

I so needed to write an answer to the posts. About me and that dating blunder...I have not had one date till date! I noticed for the first time today that there were 2 options which said "interested or not interested in dating". I did not notice and i was surely looking to meet friends...it is nothing but a really dumb error. I never dated in my life and i never can b'cos i never understood the concept in the literal sense! It is not at all common atleast here where i stay! The one person with whom i got married was my brother in law's friend and we met in some family functions. Both our families were for this relationship, so it simply ended in marriage. The person i am with right now, is my childhood friend. I have known him for over 15 years now and we were best buddies. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. When my marriage began to break due to my health reasons, he stood by me like a rock. Despite all odds and against heavy pressure, he stood by me unconditionally giving all possible support i needed. He helped me believe in myself and reiterated my self esteem. He took a lot of flak by standing up for me but he never uttered a single word of discouragement. Now when i look back, i wonder how i never realized what i felt for him. Of course he was my dearest friend and the only reason I could even imagine another relationship was because i knew with him, i was never going to lose. If not anything, atleast we would still be the greatest friends. Because i did not ask him for a marriage. I've only wanted his love, his presense...maybe not even with me. We don't live together and there is a very big chance that we might never ever be able to live together ever. B'cos divorce still is a major stigma here and his family is very orthodox. I might never be welcome in their house and i have been conditioning myself to that painful but very real possibility. The reason i wrote here was in hope that maybe there was something i was missing which someone might point out to and then it could help better this relationship. I cannot possibly explain the feelings i have for this person within 3000 words or lines. I would need more and even then maybe it would be incomplete. All i am trying to say is, what I have for him is so much more than just love, it is unconditional trust, unquestionable faith, intense passion, complete surrender and infinite love. Even if i found "THE PERFECT" guy now, its of no use since i cannot love anyone else. So, leaving this relationship was never an option. Just wanted to see if it could better. And the simple fact is, irrespective of whether he wants me in his life or not, he will always be in mine, there's no changing that. So...apologize for the blunder once again...no plans of dating....there never were and there never will be Love and Peace to all  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
dating August 23, 2004 7:56 PM

Well, whatever...Chuck your story really hit home. It is not so much the saying it anyway as the showing it. Peace, Margaret  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 25, 2004 12:23 PM

love is constant.....but seasonal. True love is always there and keeps you "theirs" thruout the tough times... the affections and atractions and other "pieces" of loving come and go.... in spring one feels giddy and smiley, silly and bouncy..and gets soppy with the "i love you's" and the like.... in summer fall and winter we have other parts of love and loving to enjoy....... maybe your just wishing it were spring when its not!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Geetha August 26, 2004 9:48 AM

Geetha, I think that he is very insecure with himself. It is a [HIM] thing! He needs to get over those insecurities. I do however, understand your feelings. As to saying that you love each other 10 times a day, I personally think that people can become inendatedv with the "I Love You" statement. I think that there is a fine line on sharing your emotions with your partner. Especially, if he or she is insecure. I do wish you better success with this troublesome problem. I guess the best thing to do is just Talk to him about it!  [ send green star]
 
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