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In search of companionship June 08, 2004 5:08 PM

Hi Everyone, I just joined this lovely group of Vocal Roses. I have enjoyed reading the posts and replies so far. I was moved and can relate to many of the responses. I shyly come here to search for companionship. I will be as honest as I can be with my feelings here and share myself openly. I desire honesty and respect in return from those of you who wish to reply to my thoughs in discussion here. Here is a brief overview of my life at the present. I am very lonesome as I watch my husband of 9 years grow away from me. He is a wonderful man and I still care about him and he about me, however, our love has faded and to be honest we are both so different since we met so many years ago. This is a second marriage for both of us. It is just the two of us. My children are grown and out of the home. His teenage son lives out of state with his Mom. My husband is a very busy man who works full time plus he went back to college part time in 2000 and will graduate with his AAS degree in Dec 2004. I have had an AAS Degree since 1986 so I know how demanding school and work can be. Last year I had a severe fall and broke my ankle. During my recuperation, I have been unable to be active & I began playing adult online games and chatting in yahoo to be with others and found it filled the void of loneliness but of course online lacks the human touch. I enjoy others in chat and sharing together. Once my husband graduates, his life will take on a new and exciting dimension. I somehow think my life will probably remain relatively the same. I am successful and comfortably stable in my professional career. Alas, I feel us slipping apart as he enters into a new world that somehow I do not feel I am included and I feel sad as I watch it happen not sure how to react. I have shared these feelings with him but I do not want to stand in his way of growth and happiness, so I encourage him in his quest to grow & quietly watch the gap widen each day. That's all for now. Be safe and well. Ruth R.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Hi Ruth June 08, 2004 6:12 PM

I have never been married so I am not sure that I can offer the most insight here, but I'll offer what I have heard and what I think. I remember hearing somwhere that 'there will be times in your marriage where you won't feel love, but if you stick with it, the relationship will become something deeper'. I was very shocked when I heard this because I always believed that true love was felt intensely forever. If your marriage is suffering because your family's priorities are set on ambitions, then I guess you will jointly have to decide what is more important- work or family. All relationships have to be nourished, or why have them? I don't think that the best of relationships could last long without dedicating some time to them each day.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Welcome Ruth! June 08, 2004 10:42 PM

Ruth, I am so sorry to read what you are going through! At least you have faced the Facts, and are not in a Fantasy land on the whys and why nots of your relationship. I think that is very strong of you to accept the day to day, and the near future possibilities! Some people are very much in love with their jobs and tend to forget the persons around them. Nay, nay. Not to worry, you are a very Strong Woman and I am sure that you will go on just fine regardless of the outcome. Yeah-for Ruth! Please feel free to write down your thoughts anytime. We may not be able to See You, but we are With You!  [ send green star]
Re: In search... June 09, 2004 5:24 AM

Thank you for your kind replies and thoughts so far. I am a strong woman, but I fear I am weakening from the loss of attention I once was granted by my husband. I am a very submissive woman and all my life I have tended to wait for my men to approach me with requests for attention and physical contact. My husband, a very kind and gentle but very Dominate man, has established this tendancy early on in our relationship and now I wish I were more aggressive and could approach him more boldly. I do take things one day at a time though giving my love and support to him and keep hope that our paths will merge in future and not go off in different directions. Meanwhile, I have been drawn to this place to chat and play online games with friends to keep some contact with people and have fun.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Dear Ruth... June 13, 2004 8:39 AM

To be honest.. I have no idea of what you are going through and scared the heck of it, but I know that you are in a point of not only loosing the person that you care about but also loosing your self. It touches me when i read your story. All i can tell you is dont rely on others love, know the one and only person that can love you trully is.. your self. You are unique, there's only one you in this world, learn who and what you really are now not only who you are yesterday and who you prefer to be. Accept the true you and love your self more and more because the only person that really know and understand you is you. I believe that everything that we do, we start it from within ourself. When i want someone to love me, I began with loving my self and it shines. Sometimes it's not the person whom i want to notice me, but others notice that shine. When i feel bad, although i always smile to cover it up so that my friends wont notice but they always do. People always know when you are happy or when you're sad and they have this tendency to approach the happy people. We dont always get what we want and sometimes the thing that we want isn't what we need. Perhaps you dont need others to gives you attention, perhaps you need to give your self that attention. Dear ruth.. you are never alone. I'm sorry if any of my words offend you in any ways but i trully hope you will found that thing you need inside.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
In search of companionship June 14, 2004 4:53 AM

Hi diFa F, It warmed my heart to read your reply. You sound like a truly loving,caring and intuned person and know yourself very well. I agree with you , that we must love ourselves before others can love us. I also agree that other can see happiness in others and are drawn to that happiness. I do love who I am inside and who I have become in life, although I am very much dependant on companionship of others for two main reasons. I believe the first is the desire to give myself freely to others and the second reason is for those I share that gift with, to accept it. I make it sound so very simple when in fact it is quite complicated. There are so many mixed emotions that drive a persons desires that it is somewhat difficult to tie it up in a nice little packagefor the purpose of discussion. For now though, I am content to hold onto and be thankful for all the goodness that life has given me and not worry about the things I dont have. I am thankful for this place of chat to open my heart and share with others. I am happy for the warm online friendships I have begun to find here. I wish to thank you, it brings a since of hope and quiets my fears of being alone. Take care and be safe. Ruth R.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Re: In search of . . . June 15, 2004 10:20 AM

Ruth, Reading about you marriage reminded me in a lot of ways of my own marriage of over 20 years. I thought the relationship was experiencing a low point like Heidi described, but my wife wasn't willing to work through it. Though in many ways an incredible, caring person, she had her own agenda and the partnership element of the marriage was gone. I have been free of this relationship for a year and a half now, and I have learned that we are responsible for our own happiness. Someone else can enrich our world and add much to what we have, but we can't sit back and wait for someone else to make us happy. In the absence of a giving/loving relationship, it is sometimes best to trade the "comfort" we might have for the opportunity to find true fulfillment. At least that's been true for me. I wish you the best as you come to terms with your situation. Change is not always easy, especially at first, but it often leads to growth. Try to view things in a positive light, and don't forget to take care of yourself during this process. May you find peace, Tom  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
In search of companionship June 17, 2004 12:57 PM

Thanks Tom P. for your thoughtfulness and sharing on this topic. I am sorry that your marriage did not work out but hope you have found inner peace and happiness making the decision to end the pain. I am in a state of weighing the pros of cons of this relationship. I am the type of person to look at a situation that needs a decision from all angles possible before making a choice. I only pray that the powers that be will grant me the strength, wisdom and other gifts I need to decide my path.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
communication is the key June 17, 2004 8:11 PM

we all have our own story to tell. thank you ruth for sharing yours here. i have discovered that regardless of the issue or issues, communication is the key to a successful relationship. as virginiasatir has said: "communication is to relationships what breathing is to life." talk WITH your husband in a loving, caring way. see what happens. wishing you well. alan  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Hi Ruth........ June 18, 2004 8:24 AM

We already know I'm no authority on long term if I may.......Seems you already have your relationship down to a science, you know all the componenents, just searching for an answer. Sometimes we think too much, kids, guilt, commitment, fear, what have you.......over anylize everything. We may often times find what we feel in our heart or soul is far different from what we think. Maybe if you simply listen to those feelings and throw science (too much thought) and a little caution out the window.......some unexpected answers maybe waitng for you. Love and Light, Sassy  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
good stuff June 18, 2004 7:01 PM

Hi all of you. Sad & happy to read the stories and support. God knows, I'm no authority and labeled myself a "bad picker". Recently a woman told me to stop blaming myself, stop the guilt. So I did and wound up pretty angry & self-righteous. An aries and stubborn as hell, it's really difficult to get through once I've made up my mind. I've had to work tremendously hard at humility, which is "the quality of being teachable." Sometimes, I'm too tired to do any more "work" so I quit & retreat for awhile. This includes my ex, friends, my current partner & my kids. If I stress out, it only leads to more self-flagellation(?) and a head-shedding. One of the many who's been here, there & done this, that & the other, I can't live without humor & play. Am alone a lot, so I find solace in creative play. Laughing at absurdity (right, Sassy?) is a great relief. Laughing at my own blunders is even better. Force a smile, look at a baby, look at youself upside down. ) and sideways, for that matter... Warm regards, always alxoxo  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Hi again Alison June 18, 2004 7:40 PM

We seem to be online at the same time! Sounds like you are going through some growing pains. Change or adjusting behaviours is not always a smoothe transition. We don't always get what works for us right away and sometimes we have to go through a bit of a bumpy ride. Just be patient (and forgiving) with yourself.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Alison...... June 18, 2004 8:04 PM

I miss you and your humour :o)  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Where Are You Going Ruth? June 19, 2004 10:42 AM

Are you going to salve your emotional hurts by "playing online games" you speak of? What exactly ARE "online games" anyway? I`m just curious as to what you mean by that. Are you and your Significant Other on the same page about issues, morals, etc? I only ask because you don`t mention that very important aspect of ANY relationship, CORE VALUES. You sound very apologetic about his "growing away from you because of his career". Just so you know, APOLOGISTS are weak people. Do you want to be STRONG Ruth? Or do you choose to wait til the other shoe drops and you get kicked to the curb by an upwardly mobile mate? Get your legal affairs in order NOW Ruth. Then if he DOES fly the coop he won`t be in a position to kick YOU to the curb. If the relationship DOES survive his upward ascension (tho I`d be surprised, given your suspicions already)you won`t have lost anything. Get your ducks in a row first before you wait for him to call the shots at his leisure. Lucky you that you have a successful career to fall back on, some women/men don`t when their SO trades them in on another model. STOP whining and STOP playing online games while your physical world may be disinegrating around your feet. TIMES AWASTING, BELIEVE IT. GET AN ATTORNEY AND ASK THEM WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING TO PROTECT YOUR PRECIOUS ASS/ASSETS.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
In search of companionship June 26, 2004 4:00 AM

Hi Donna F., Some very strong words and it took me a few days to think on what you were saying. I am not a weak person. Merely coming here and airing my situation was a brave and strong step. I feel confident that the trial of my relationship with my husband will either forge our bond together or we will discover that we have grown apart, time will be the factor. I am not one to make a snap decision on any matter, I weigh the consequences of my action. As far as my legal affairs, that is not of concern to me as I am financially independant from my husband. I have been there & done it, as far as to be set out on the curb by my first husband, like last weeks garbage and I learn quickly from life's lessons. The online games I play are a distraction and time passer. Although I am limited to my physical activities at present due to the accident in which I broke my ankle, I know someday I will be able to do more physically. These games seem to fill the void of companionship that I so desire. Human beings for the most part are social creatures and enjoy contact. I will stick it out for the duration with my husband. The issue of my being lonely, as I watch him accomplish his goals, I will have to deal with on a day to day basis I suppose. Thank you for you thoughts on this topic Take care. Ruth R.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Been there, done that June 26, 2004 7:21 AM

Hi, Ruth! I wanted to add my 2 cents, but, like any opinion, it's just that: opinion. Like you, I was always a submissive person, waiting for the man to take the initiative. However, after two marriages and raising my youngest son alone, I've finally learned that happiness is not a given; it has to be worked on and created, and absolutely no one can create it for you. My first husband was abusive, alcholic, and I finally divorced him after 6 long years. My second husband was a gem, but he, unfortunately, died young in 1989, and I had an 11 year old to raise. Even though, my second husband was a good man and very supportive of me, we still had the usual problems...communication, growing apart as our lives and inner selves changed, etc. I don't know if we would have solved these problems or not since death intervened, but since then, I have learned some very valuable lessons. Talk to your husband about what's troubling you. Communcation is the lifeblood of any relationship. Understand that if his life is moving on to exciting things and yours isn't, you must find ways to grow as well. To keep from growing apart during these changes, you BOTH need to make a strong effort to have time for each other, participate in each other's lives, and create a third life: the life of your marriage, for it is a living thing that needs to be nurtured. But for heaven's sake, don't sit back and wait for him to do something; who does what first is the worst game to play in a relationship! Beware the online "entertainments." As innocent as they seem, they can become too much of a crutch and keep you from what you need to do with your real life and marriage. I've been here and done that, too. It can be a lovely trap, but a trap all the same. Best of luck to you; hope this has been of some help. Ree  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
In search of companionship June 28, 2004 5:37 PM

Ruth, All I can say is let your heart guide you. Maybe you shouldn't be so submissive. On the other hand, if you always have been and change, everything will else will change. All I know is that, my God, I can barely talk about it. I haven't been with a man since my ex-lawyer husband did a number on me. I lost all desire, trust, everything. I was once supposedly his Queen only to become nothing, the last in line for everything. His job was his life. I still can't believe I was so stupid. lol I wrote a poem about him and lawyers in general (sorry to any lawyers here, I do have a good lawyer now): Any way, no matter what you think you are prepared for, you aren't. Take care of yourself, Ruth. Peace, Margaret  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
to Margaret, June 30, 2004 10:45 AM

Maybe you think you're prepared for something and you aren't -- very true -- but you can handle, and get through, anything. You're proof of that. We admire your strength.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
In search of companionship July 03, 2004 5:41 PM

Tracy, "...but you can handle, and get through, anything." I used to believe that but the body and mind can only handle so much. I have bipolar disorder Axis I and II, OCD, etc. I take a lot of pills a day, I get sick of it. I get sick of trying. But anyway...this wasn't about me. Sorry. Carry on... Margaret  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Margaret......... July 05, 2004 10:31 AM

This is about any one....I love's most of the fun.....even though it stresses me out and kills my everything is all fine and dandy, I seem to self destruct.......just so I can do it again!.......Sassy  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
To Ruth July 06, 2004 10:09 PM

I hope things have taken a better turn for you, for your husband..for your marriage. Someone here wrote that you can't sit back and wait for something to happen. Excellent food for thought. Is there something that you can become more knowledgable about where your husbands new career aspirations are concerned? Is there something that you can both become involved in together? During the first years of your marriage - what were the strong points? What interests did you share? How did you share them? Are there some lessons there that might apply to the here and now. Of course, the most important question that has to be answered - is there still a bond between you? A very hard question to ask, and perhaps even harder to face. Relationships are hard to pin down, to describe. They change, they evolve, they ebb and flow. Is there an interest that perhaps you could both share.. no matter how small it is to start with. Something to interact with each other. There was love - when did you last feel it? I hope there will be answers for you. Dennis  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
To Dennis H July 07, 2004 3:29 AM

Thank you Dennis for your kind words of wisdom. The situation between my husband and myself is unstable at the present. I know he can sense my uneasiness about where things are headed in our relationship but it is a wait and see at this point due to all the issues involved. I will indeed ask and face those questions you have stated and probably more. I hope I will be able to accept the answers I find, even if they are not the answers I desire them to be. I will keep trying to resolve my confusion and hold on to the sensible thoughts that so many of you have had kindness and the insite to share here. Take care and be well. Ruth R.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Question July 07, 2004 3:47 AM

Ruth, you wrote that your husband can sense your uneasiness about where your marriage is headed, but have you actually discussed this with him and made him aware of your concerns and questions?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Ruth July 07, 2004 8:30 PM

I have found through 36yrs of marriage that there are many pitfalls to throw a marriage off track but if the marriage was worth getting into in the first place then it is probably worth the work it takes to keep it going. I realize that this is not always possible but I know far to many who do not want to put forth the effort that marriage takes. Most marriages are filled with bad times and good times as is most things in live we just have to remember the bad times might be to help us see how good things can be if we work together to get to the good times.I wish you well no matter what your final decision is,your concern shows you to be a caring person.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
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