i was inspired to join you all because of my recent heartbreak. which i hope will be the last. i'm horribly broken and would really appreciate your input.
i'll make this short. trent and i met 2 years ago, a week after i moved 300 miles away from home...but he lived back home. somehow, we hadn't met till after i moved away. he made it obvious that he was interested in me from the start, but it wasn't until about 4 months into talking that i realized i was begining to also feel something. so i told him. not that we could do much about the situation, i was in school and could only come home around 2 times a month, and he had lost his license. so we never made it official, just kept talking and hanging out when we could. last january, before he left for iraq, i told him i would wait for him so we could be together. altho he said he'd like to be together once he got back, he didn't know what to expect and told me not to wait. i'm stubborn, so i have waited...for a year and a half now, to be with him. i moved back home, hoping it would make things easier for us when he returned home.
after all this time, just a month before he's supposed to leave iraq, he emails me (as we do all the time) and tells me that a friend of his from back home got there on new years eve...and that he "found out" that he really likes her. i don't know who this is...nor do i want to know, really. but i can't understand how he can just look past the fact that i'm so much in love with him, that i've waited completely for him to come back, and hurt me like this. i really, honestly think it's just the fact that this girl is a little piece of home that just happens to be there, after he's been lonely for so long. i think if i were there, and we had that chance to see eachother, he'd feel the same for me. but that's not how it is.
i'm heartbroken. i don't know what to do. i've given him all of me for all this time and i'll never stop loving him. of course, he didn't say it was over...he said he has to "see where this leads" with her. but he's already chosen her over me. that can't be taken back. besides, there will probably always be something there between them after this. i just don't know what to do. and i need some insight. my plan, so far, is to keep waiting (like i told him i would before this happened) and be here for him once he gets home. maybe he'll see that he wants to be with me. and if not, after maybe a few months, i can leave with my broken heart and try not to look back. i don't think i could ever love again after this.
i'm so sorry for making this so long, and if you cared enough to get this far, bless you.
Dear precious annonymous, You sound young and so vulnerable. I was there once. Oh, the tears....golden teardrops. As we walk through life, there are many things and people we may lose, lose out on. I wished I had known some of the things I am going to tell you back then....Be direct. Tell this person how you feel. Directness saves time and heartbreak. It removes us as victims. It helps us to own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. He will perhaps be caught off gaurd by surprise. You deserve to have an anwer. Trust your heart. Trust that you are being prepared right now for someone, somewhere, soon. You are exactly where you are supposed to be....learning the lessons you need to learn. We want things so badly on our own time. Relax and start thinking of things to do that are fun. Brings you joy and pamper yourself. Good things happen when the time is right. They happen naturally. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with him. Something important is being worked out within you. Accept your current circumstances and surrender to the moment by taking a step of faith to believe that all things will work out the way they are meant to. You may not know what that is, who it will be, or when it will happen. That's the hard part. Trusting. In time you will see clearly where you are meant to be. For today, find some things to be grateful for, find some thing to appreciate Appreciation is the most fundamental happiness tool. It is the strongest form of love. It is impossible to be in a state of fear at the same time. Appreciation is the antidote to fear. Look up "Happiness Tools" and "Healthy Relatioinships". These sites will give you the tools you need to grow stronger, build up your communuication skills and increase your self-esteem. I love you very much for what you are enduring...you sound very sweet and tender-hearted. I want you to describe yourself this way to him. Tell him "who" you are. A genuine, loving compassionate woman that is desiring a long-term relationship that is monagamous (faithful to one lover) and devted to supporting the relationship, beginning as friends and working towards the dream of a mutual commitment. Be generous with forgiveness. It sounds like you are already sincerely understanding of human nature and how lonliness makes one do impulsive things we later regret. Keep on writing him. Stay POSITIVE. Don't be afraid to tell him your weaknesses; be real and be consistent. Write as if he would love you if he really knew you. You deserve the desires of your heart. I want to support you to not give up on him too soon....to carefully consider if he is really the one you want to pursue. Ask him what he desires from a relationship and don't you dare settle for second best just because you are lonely right now. OK? I am just a 48 year old mom of 3 little boys; but when i read your note my heart could relate--remembering my lost loves, my first loves. There will be many in your life, believe it or not. They will be sent to you--placed directly in your path. Through each of these persons, you will be blessed and learn new lessons about love, about life, about yourself. It is going to be alright. You are going to be so blessed for your gentle caring spirit. I love you already. I know you needed to hear this, and I wanted to tell you to start now by preparing yourself to be blessed. Find something in him to be appreciative of and tell him. Tell him today. Even if you never hear back, you will have the respect of yourself for being unconditionally loving and offering yourself as a friend in life. For all you know, those may be the last words he reads. Do it now, and dry those tears. You have a loing life ahead of you and a lot to offer this world. It needs you. Be strong. Choose life. Choose love. Start with loving yourself and watch and see how it takes root and blossoms.
i can't remember the last time i cried HAPPY tears, but i am now. from the bottom of my (broken) heart, i thank you. you knew just what i needed to hear and i cannot tell you how much that means to me. i'm going to take your advise and email him tonight. i've wanted to since the fact, but i didn't know what to say, where to begin. but i think i do now. all because of you. i can't thank you enough, really. god bless you. god bless you and yours forever.
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It's Thursday now, and I am wondering if you got that letter out to him, or if you are still contemplating your words? Thank you for you reply to me. It made me feel so wonderful to have encouraged you as a big sister in this world of so much chaos and confusion. I hope to hear back from you, it seems as if we are the only two that are dialoging here...which is ok. I know others are busy with their own life dramas. I look forward to us continuing our pen-palling through this "Rose" garden. xoxoxoxlove you, Suzi
i emailed him and patiently waited for his reply...as if i hadn't been patient enough already. anyways, he never did reply. at all. afterall that time. i still have a picture of us in my wallet and hanging in my bedroom. it's rough, trying to move on without him. i'll always love him. always. he came home the begining of march. and the friends we share have told me that he's not at all the same. he never goes out anymore...he used to be a party animal. and he hardly even talks to them. they also told me that he said he hates being back...that he'd rather just go back to iraq. i'm really worried about him, and he remains in my prayers. of course, silly me, i'm still waiting. in fact, i only got online today to see if he'd emailed YET. it's hard to let go.
oh, good news tho. i have a new love in my life. it's not quite like that...but better, actually. on march 31st i accepted God into my life. and let me tell you, it's been amazing ever since! it's something i never thought i'd ever feel. i refused to believe for so long and didn't know why i felt so empty. i'm so much happier now. i found the One i've been searching for this whole time. and i have Trent to thank for that. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have gotten saved. i wouldn't have believed. but once he left for iraq, i was helpless. all i wanted to do was save him and keep him safe...i would've done anything to protect him, but i couldn't do anything...but pray. i hadn't prayed in years, but began to pray with every breath i took that God would keep him safe and bring him home. and he did. someday, i hope to tell trent what he did for me. i've thought of emailing again to tell him, but i don't know. i'm leaving it up to God now. if he wants trent and me to be together, then in good time we will. i have so much faith in him (God).
i want to thank you so much for caring enough to check back in. i had every intention of filling in the latest details, but was too depressed there for a while to even get online (for anything other that to reread all him emails). so thanks again and God bless you.
I am so very pleased that you have found the one true Love in your life that will always be by your side no matter where you go or in whatever situation you find yourself......WELCOME HOME my sister. Our Father will never desert us and always protect our souls, no matter what our physical forms have to endure.
and it is lovely to hear that you are well , in fact better then well.
To put your focus on what is good and true is certainly the way; you have found eternal love. From that space a real nourishing relationship can develop on the inside and then one day on the outside.
It is fine to wish the best for your lost friend which is goodness. But perhaps it sould be best to put the picture of you & him away as it is not the truth of life in this moment. I am not suggesting you throw it away, just put it in a drawer.