Further to government directives implicating the dangers and maybe somewhat offensive 'traits' in school 'sports' days that children could become or are involved with on 'sports days', it has been decided that new impletations have to be directed and acted upon to thwart future possible injuries, offences or compemsation suits; The following include the 'sports' and the possible injuries/offences that could be suffered or incurred..... TUG OF WAR: A government purple paper has decreed that this event be totally banned on the grounds of: a tug is a common acronym usually attributed to a small sea going vessel used mainly in and around harbours/ports to 'tug' larger vessels [ships=liners/tankers etc.] to deeper waters. Therefore it has been agreed that 'tug' has no place within schools usage for whatever reason. Furthermore, 'war' pertains moreover to conflict and therefore could be deemed offensive to parties whose nations/homelands or ancestors who may have been involved in the various conflicts that have occurred globally for 'time' and may also have been opposite the victorious armies/nations.[Losers]. Therefore, as a result after much conflaguration, it has been decided that 'tug of war' is hereby banned. Not only that, small children could be harmed, but then so could bigger kids and it is surmised that this practice is just too dangerous for our wee bairns.... So it's banned. Forthwith! HIGH JUMP: This event would or can give advantage to pupils who may be taller than some of their more height challenged peers and therefore giving an added edge whilst competing [do I not like that word] and would be grossly unfair on those who jumped ship when height was being issued, believing 'bite' had been called instead! Those of a physically height challenged demeanour could get upset if they could not make the grade. The only other option was to give height advantaged kids a handicap, those allowing the physically height challenged pupils the advantage of at least keeping 'in the points', but this meant more paperwork, so we just scrubbed the event. LONG JUMP: The same could, can and would be said of this event also. So it has been the judiciary's decision that competition be measured at equal lengths throughout for all participants, the advantages gained by leaner and height advantaged pupils would be grossly unfair to their less endowed peers. This way, everyone's a winner, being labelled a loser could ruin a child's life completely and utterly so all participants can be crowned winners. Should no compromise of this nature fail to be reached, the event will simply be banned from all future 'schools sports days'. And finally for this edition of "yes, we can make it up as we go along but no doubt PC ministers will draft a Bill very soon", is the once popular EGG AND SPOON RACE:This grossly contravenes the rights of embryonic chicks in their reproductive outer-casings created solely for the furtherment of the fowl species. Futhermore, spoons are made for eating jelly and ice cream and stuff and NOT for balancing an unborn chicken foetus' birth casing in a childs hand as he/she/it runs a set prearranged distance whilst attempting to sustain the equilibrium between spoon and egg in the execution of the said competition of which there would be no victor which would, of course, be an infringement to those unfortunate enough not to achieve the distance implicated, complicit with new governemnt standards set down in pototoes, I'm sorry, that should have read Brussels [well, it's a vegetable too ennit?]. Thank you for complying with the new rules and agreeing to them. Reading this transcript implicates your signature of agreement, there is no clause [what? NO Santa? damn!]. Thank you and vote Labour [unless you are not a British citizen but then, why let that stop you, Labout won't] or any other idiot party hellbent on building a nannified state we would all have guffawed at very loudly less than twenty years ago. This has been a KRAP production. Pleasd donate generously to um, well me actually... he he kr NB Any offence taken from this means you have lost your sense of humour meaning you must have voted for one of the current world leaders, so don't blame me....