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Lonely Loner October 07, 2008 2:47 PM

I'm sure I'm not saying anything you all don't already know when I talk about the crushing loneliness that goes with loss.  Bill and I were both people that needed down time for ourselves, but now I find that I am dreading my days off because I will be mostly on my own.  We had no kids together, and his son from his first marriage is grown (which is actually good, since Brandon tends to rub me the wrong way anyway.

But my best friend has had time for me once during the six months since Bill died, and I don't want to put any pressure on her to make time for me, since her sister lost her only son about six months before I lost Bill, and is doing far worse than I.

Bill's parents are a twelve-hour drive away, and the one sister who lives here in town and I have too little in common to become close.

Then there's my family, who were wonderful during the big rush to get all things done right after Bill died......and have been remarkably absent since then.  One of my cousins tells me I'm the closest thing she has to a sister....but she can make time to be sure her best friend doesn't face anything alone (her best friend was widowed about six months before I was.)  I haven't heard from her in months, except a thank you for the flowers I sent for her birthday.  She doesn't owe me any attention, but getting it after I ask for it would have no meaning, do I haven't.I used work as an excuse not to go to her 40th wedding anniversary party, partly sour grapes, I think,  and partly too upset with her to want to drive two-plus hours any pretend that everything was just fine and then two-plus hours back.

I've tried a couple of groups, which do help, and I've been too absent from them lately.  Church hasn't worked out too well thus far, mostly a question of finding one whose ideology is similar to mine.

So, thanks for letting me vent here.  I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this, but I needed to indulge in a little pity party for awhile.

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Not a pity party October 08, 2008 12:22 PM

Janet, your feelings are totally normal, and experssing them here is not a pity party.  I found that most of the friends we had before our daughter's death fell away in a very short period of time, and we have made others since.  Some folks just don't know how to relate to the circumstances (how about the same way they did before?) out of discomfort or uncertainty.  Others hurt too badly themselves to offer anything to another.  Some are merely thoughtless.  Sounds like you're doing the right thing - find support groups of those with similar situations, engage in activities that you enjoy and want and meet people there.  I just read an article in a newletter from a local "The Compassionate Friends" group (for those who have lost a child) in which one family found comfort in the thought that they had to live life "one-third better" to fulfill for the person's absence....and please feel free to vent here anytime - that's what this group is for!

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Thanks October 10, 2008 5:41 PM

thank you tim, for your understanding.  i guess the toughest part of what i expressed above is that those who are supposed to love me the most are doing the least.  thank goodness for my neighbors and coworkers.  and thank goodness for you.

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