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Most difficult time June 12, 2005 8:49 PM

All of us who have been through the grief journey have survived some very difficult times.  I'd be very intrested in hearing the most difficult time that group members have experienced - and what helped them get through it.

While it is hard to pick out just one difficult moment, I would have to pick the day that would have been Laurel's next birthday.  I found myself picking up things in stores to buy for her birthday and heading to the checkout counter before reality set in.  I took that day off work and just sat in her room, going through photograph albums and the albums we created of condolence cards, letters, and remembrances.  Tried to remember the good times, as well.  I had good friends calling and writing, not to say anything but that they were thinking of Laurel and us.  That day brought the reality of Laurel's absence home to me as nothing had for the 10 previous months...

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 June 13, 2005 3:37 AM

Without a doubt, the most difficult time of my whole life was the day Tony died! 

That morning he had accompanied me to a medical appointment, and we just got home when he started having severe abdominal cramps, to the point that I had to call an ambulance.  The paramedics arrived within eight minutes, did the usual checks, and determined that he was having a kidney stone attack.  That surprised us because he had never had that particular problem and didnt even know he had stones... however, his condition didn't seem to be serious.  Once in the ambulance, the cramps turned into massive chest pains... he was jerking and screaming that his heart was going to blast!  The nurse gave him some heart pill and an IV to cleanse his system... I was holding his hand and reassuring him that we'd soon be at the hospital.  All of sudden, Tony's hand became cold and stiff...  he stopped moving...  he was dead!  The nurse tried the oxigen mask and CPR but nothing worked. We arrived at the hospital and the doctors still found some vital signs in him...  They rushed him to the emergency room and did the impossible to revive him.  To no avail.  I was alone, waiting outside for almost an hour.  Finally, when the doctors confirmed what I already knew, they had to take me to the emergency because my blood pressure went sky high. When I felt better (better?), I vaguely remember talking to the social worker, my cousins, and making arrangements with the funeral home.  It seemed like a never ending nightmare.

This happened exactly one year ago.  I took care of all practical things and financial situation.  But I had a lot of health problems and was diagnosed with PTSD.  Now I see to be slowly healing, with psychological and medical assistance.  Friends have been particularly helpful and I'm grateful to my brother-in-law who sent me a card from Care2...  That's how I became aware of the organization...  I'm thankful for it because I'm meeting some wonderful people and, most of all, doing something for animal welfare and nature.  I know Tony is watching over me...  perhaps he even "urged" his brother to send me that card!


Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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I would say the funeral home was the worst time for me... June 13, 2005 6:54 AM

     I would say the funeral home was the worst time for me...And being around all that youth, beauty and vitality meanwhile my niece laid out in a coffin. I am not a big fan of funeral home showings anyway but there were alot of difficult times after I was told she passed.  My sorrows were not just for my nieces passing but in the fact that I grieve for my family because so much dysfunction still remains and well added to the difficulty more then I would have ever wanted for Rachel in life let alone in death. This is still such a highly personal and private issue I grapple with every day of my life. Only in the passing of days do I learn to walk the path I tread and do so lightly with love, concern and care. But alas, I am human and I still screw-up.  ---ginger  [ send green star]
 June 13, 2005 9:54 AM

It's hard to think of the most difficult time...perhaps because I am still riding the waves of my grieving process - but I am recalling the day the cremators came to take his body [my brother's].  Prior to that my mother and I and his close circle of friends ritualistically cleaned, oiled and dressed his body in bright linen and lay fruit and herb and flowers around him.  He looked like the prince he was.  When they came we had to go through formalities of course, and I managed that well enough.  But when they went up to his room, I just broke.  I stood there wailing and gripping the door jamb with all my strength...I think all of me wanted to hurl all of myself against those men.. or crumble into dust...or get swallowed whole into some dark obliterating void.  Someone gently pryed me off the jamb and a few of us - quite the disoriented, torn, weeping bunch, went to lay in a flowering meadow in the park.  That was good for all of us.  That's the beautiful thing about this whole experience, the overwhelming love and support we've all been giving each other.  I think that's the gift my brother has given us. 

It has been two months since his death.

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Kimberly, I am glad that you are here... June 13, 2005 10:01 AM

Kimberly, I am glad that you are here...Please make yourself at home and above anything else, thank you for sharing your story with us. ---ginger  [ send green star]
 June 13, 2005 8:51 PM

Thank you Ginger! I am glad to be here...  [ send green star]
Most difficult time July 13, 2005 9:38 AM

I cannot pin point any one thing or event that was worse for me.  I think that all the "first" were the hardest.  The first day, when I couldn't understand how everyone on my street could simply wake up and go to work like the world hadn't changed over night.  The first night after, when I went to bed without all my children safely in the house. My sisters wedding in July, Rudy had been so excited about that, and he was bringing his girlfriend to meet the rest of the family.   The first summer, when Rudy wasn't out enjoying the sun like all the other teens. And then all the other changing seasons.   The first time I saw a teen couple and I got mad that it couldn't be him.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the holidays.  Mothers day - that was bad, Rudy had been born on Mothers day, and that year his birthday again fell on mothers day.  And then his birthday, and the 1 year anniversary.  LOL, I guess, reading back through this post, it was just about every day of that first year.  I have learned that while it doesn't really get "easier," it does becomes a little less raw.   [ send green star]
Hi Karen July 13, 2005 9:49 AM

Thanks for sharing - I agree that the first of anything is extremely difficult.  For me, the Christmas season is still very difficult at times, since it was such a special time for our family.  Much of what you have talked about still hurt for me, but not as the intense, occasionally disabling, pain that they were at first.  Mentally, it took me three and one-half years to function close to what I was before Laurel's death.  I recognized that there was nothing that I could change, so just went with it and recognized my decreased ability.  (For example, I have always been able to recall telephone numbers from many years past.  I could not recall the most familiar numbers, and had to concentrate totally to dial any number.)  I hope we can help you in your grief journey.  [ send green star]
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