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i miss my baby boy June 17, 2005 9:08 PM

Hi everyone. My name is Tkay and i really wanted to tell Gabriel that i love him and i miss him. He would have turned 10 in April. He died in my arms the day he was born. When i see a little boy about his age i wonder whether he would look like that or play like that or laugh like that. My heart is broken without him. i have nightmares that he resents me and about other things. My mom doesn't even consider him her grandchild since he only lived for such a short time, but he is still my baby. i feel ignorant when i say i only have 3 children because he is my child too. It's like i'm wrong though for thinking about him all the time. i just can't help it. Has anyone else gone through this? Will you respond to this post? (the picture you see is of my youngest baby girl)  [ send green star]
 
Tkay..... June 18, 2005 4:27 AM

Tkay...You are an exceptional mom with a fragile heart and you can think about that beautiful baby any time. Thinking of your baby is definitely allowed my dear woman, what better way to keep them alive in our hearts, minds and souls. I am sorry that your mom doesn't consider Gabriel, her grandchild, apparently this is her way of dealing with the loss however harsh it is. And of course we would answer you Tkay. That is why we are here my dear woman. Gabriel was absolutely sweet, lovely and an awesome name to have blessed your child with. The photo tells me so.

     You are welcome here anytime to speak of your baby and thank you for choosing to share with us. Welcome to our group and please Tkay, make yourself at home and read over our threads so you can see what we are all about. I am glad you found your way here.  ---ginger

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Tkay June 18, 2005 8:30 AM

While my only daughter was 14 when she died nearly 12 years ago, I still miss her every day.  I used to answer "not any more" when I was asked if I had children, but then changed to a simple "No" when I realized I was just trying to let everyone know about my loss.  I will talk about Laurel when people ask, but don't have a need to tell everyone like I did for years.  My mother still wonders what she would look like and be doing at the age she would be now, but I have never done so.  For me, she will always be as she was when I last saw her, bouncing through the front door with a "Hi, Daddy!"

The hurt can lessen, but the loss will always be there.  For me, it was a journey of discovery as to how to deal with it.  Tears still flow, and when they happen I let them go, without regard to time or place.  That is a part of me, and if others have difficulty dealing with it, I am sorry but will not change just for their comfort level.

Please do not feel guilty about hurting or how you react.  Be honest with yourself and let yourself feel all that is inside.  This group is a caring, loving one who have all experienced the loss and grief you are feeling.  You are safe to freely express yourself here and, even if we don't have specific words to help, you can know that you are understood and accepted.

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 June 19, 2005 3:19 AM

Dear Tkay,

Of course you miss Gabriel!  He was your son, even if for a very short time.  I think that's part of being a mother.  He's still your child, watching over you from Heaven, and one day you'll be united again.  Pray for him, and you'll feel him even closer...  Love and blessings,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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Tkay June 21, 2005 1:18 PM

Tkay,

You will find such love and acceptance here. This is a safe place to share your story and your loss. I'm glad you found this group, and I hope you are comfortable here. We are all on the sorrow journey here, one way or another, so we understand and accept you just as you are.

Gabriel is such a beautiful name, and he was a beautiful child of yours. Of course you miss him and think about him still. I miss my miscarried babies. That's only natural to someone who is sensitive and emotional, and most mothers are, I think. So it's okay to feel that way. 

Everyone has their own pattern to grief. It's hard sometimes, when others are at a different place than you are, but it's just their own way. Take good care of yourself.

Peace, Liz
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 July 13, 2005 9:44 AM

Tkay, I am very new to this group but my heart just broke when I read your post.  Your child will always be in your heart and a part of your life.  There are no words to take the pain away, or even lessen it, but my thoughts will be with you.  [ send green star]
 
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