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anonymous pain November 08, 2005 5:53 PM

I've lost a lot in my life. Been through a lot, and just need someone to talk to. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because no one really cares. I'm depressed and I have no one to turn to. redflareh@yahoo.com, if anyone does care enough to even want to hear my story. I'm not wasting my time typing it out again when I know most people are probably not going to even look at it.


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Heya... November 08, 2005 6:00 PM

Heya...people are looking and I did read over your posting. You are more then welcome to voice your story here within our group. This is a loving bunch of people who will listen and respond. I just got home from work. I am listening...Your call my friend. ---ginger  [ send green star]
 
 November 08, 2005 6:34 PM

redflareh...there are people in the world that will listen, the ones here in this room do.  I agree that there are many who do not hear one voice out in the world...but I have found that those who come here can hear you.  We are all on a path that has been filled with pain, and loss, and it does help to talk.  share if you can, if you are unable to, then know that there are fellow travellers on the path with you, and we will walk with you.

  Novella

 [ send green star]
 
redflareh November 09, 2005 6:17 AM

We will listen - with empathy and understanding.  Every path through pain and hurt is unique, but this group can offer ideas and what has worked for them.  We care.  [ send green star]
 
anonymous pain November 09, 2005 10:14 AM

Thanks, everyone. You're the most support I've gotten for a while now!
My story is long, so please bear with me. Its going to take me a while to write it, and if you can offer support, advice, I would appreciate it.

My older sister and I were raped by our uncle when we were very young. I was two or three and she was four when it happened. Because he lived with us, we had it even worse. I remember one time sitting in the corner and chewing on a cord and getting shocked.  My sister developed pneumonia. I remember one night, looking at my older sister as she lay on the bed. Her eyes were big, the moon was full,  she was having trouble breathing. I ran to the kitchen, where my biological mother was and said, "Mommy, Sissy's sick."  she didn't answer. I went back to my sister and told her, "Don't worry Sissy. I'll save you." and I ran away. I was two. A man in a blue pickup truck found me and took me to DFS. They  went to our home and took my older sister to the hospital.

I remember them putting her in an oxygen tent, I put a few of my stuffed animals around her tent. I remember hearing the doctor say  she probably wasn't going to make it. They instructed me to be very careful and not touch the tent. They let me lay on a cot next to it. I remember falling asleep looking at her and crying, afraid that she was going to die. She lived, however.  It wasn't until I was five that my biological parents rights were terminated and THAT nightmare ended.

However, another began. The foster home we were put into was abusive. I remember the foster mother holding me under the water in the bathtub. I remember breathing in the soap and bubbles and struggling desperately, and seeing myself from above. I remember her not feeding us for a whole day. We were so hungry we were eating birdseed off the floor. When we were being too loud and she wanted us to be quiet she would put us on the bed and put a pillow over our heads and sit on it. She put my older sister (then about five) in charge of changing our youngest sisters diapers. One time, my sister hadn't changed our youngest sister, and the foster mother took the poopy diaper and smeared it all over my older sister's face. One time, we were eating oatmeal with dates in it for breakfast. The evil foster mother told me the dates were roaches. So when she wasn't looking, I threw them on the floor. She forced me to eat every last bit off the floor, hair and all.

In another foster home, my older sister was molested by a seventeen year old. My younger sisters were hurt as well. My youngest sister had diaper rash so bad that her skin was peeling on her legs, down to her knees. My other younger sister had food shoved in her mouth until she puked. I'm sure they endured other atrocities I am not aware of.

Finally, in 1991, we were finally adopted. A couple adopted the four of us together. They lvoed us, and we loved them, but they weren't equipped to deal with my older sister and with me. We had issues from the beginning, and my older sister started becoming sexually active and running away and getting into drugs when she was thirteen. I didn't understand her back then... I missed her though.

My parents and I would fight, and they would slap me for my smart mouth. I got sick of being hit and refused to accept it anymore. I was fifteen when they threw me out for the first time. When I was sixteen, my  mother and I got into a big fight. I thought she was going to hit me, so I took her arms and held them at her sides. My father came charging in the room and tore me away from her. He grabbed me around the throat and lifted me up off of the floor and held me against hte wall. I tried to fight, but he was too strong. Mom told him to stop before he really hurt me, and he did. They both took my arms and threw me out the door.

I ran to a friends house and came back later for my things. Mom told me I could come back, but if I did, I had to stay away from my younger sisters so my attitude wouldn't wear off on them. I knew I couldn't, so I refused to come back. I was going to a private school,they had a rule that I had to live with my parents or someone my parents approved of.
I begged my parents to approve of me staying with my friend, but they refused.  On my seventeenth birthday, I walked away from the life I knew. A couple of days later, my boyfriend came up and took me back down to the town he lived in. I had only the clothes on my back.

Long story short, my husband (then boyfriend) and I are happily married with two children. Please, keep reading. Thank you if you've read this far.

My older sister married an abusive man. He kept her a prisoner in the house. He beat her  abused her and wouldn't let her go anywhere without him. I tried several times to get her to leave him. She never did. As a result of all the abuse she suffered, her multiple personalities, and being kept a prisoner in her own home, she became a shell. One night, her son smeared baby food all over the wall. She was very furious, and something snapped. She slapped him, several times, and sent him to his room. He cried, of course, and couldn't stop. My sister, in a desperate attempt to get him to be quiet... did what our foster mother did. She put the pillow over his head. But she held it there far too long. She killed him. She's in jail, and I mourn every day for my dead nephew, my other nephew in the care of his abusive father, and my sister.If there was ever a tragic person in this world, she is it.She has endured so much,she wasn't strong enough to take it. She feels incredible guilt. My motherinlaw thinks I will kill my kids now. family members offer no support. My youngest sister lies about me.My parents don't care.My husband cares,but doesn't understand. I can't find active supportgroups or depression boards. Please help. There is more, but only12 spaces leftThanks  [report anonymous abuse]
 
anonymous continuing November 09, 2005 10:24 AM

ok. Well.
My youngest sister called the other night. I was happy to hear from her. I get lonely a lot.
She asked me what was new. I told her I got a letter from my bio mom, but other than that, not much. She insisted on knowing what the letter said. I told her generic things like bio mom's favorite color and flower. She said we should stop talking about it because it was making her angry. I agreed. She brought the conversation to our older sister, whose, as you read above, in jail for killing her son. Younger sis wondered why older sis hadn't written her back yet, and I said she is probably depressed thinking about the future that is ahead of her. I said that she will probably spend at LEAST five to seven years in prison because she killed a child. Younger sis got angry with me and told me I was calling older sis a baby killer and hung up on me.

About half an hour later, I got a call from my other younger sister. She said youngest sis had just come into her place of work (they go to the same college, they work on campus) in hysterical tears and told her that I'd said I was going to give our bio mom their addresses and that I'd called our older sis a baby killer, in those words. She lied, outright! They know I would never give bio mom their info, because they don't want me too, and I certainly don't use the words baby killer to describe a sister I love and have known longer than anyone in my life.

Anyway, things got worse, she reported to Mom and Dad that I'd said those things and now they're angry with me. Everyone believes her, even though she is lying through her teeth.
I called my parents and left a message yesterday saying I needed to talk, saying I needed some support. I know they are home, but there has been no response. I guess they just don't care at all. I should know better than to ever try to call them for support. They like terms such as, "Suck it up" get over it. and tough %#&!*%.

Anyway, I told my youngest sister I was tired of her lying about me and that I never want to hear from her again. I know that's harsh, but this isn't the first time she has spread lies about me. I really don't know why she hates me, but I know she is trying to turn everyone in our family against me. And it seems to be working.

Whew. And then there is the motherinlaw, who thinks I'll kill my kids because my older sister killed her oldest son. Not going to happen. I may be going through tough times right now, but I'm much stronger than my sister could ever have hoped to be.

I'm really down though... its been one of the hardest times in my life. Thank you for any replies.
 [report anonymous abuse]
 
Yes, you have had a rough time of it.... November 09, 2005 12:06 PM

Yes, you have had a rough time of it....But something that stands out through out your whole sharing of your situation and life experiences is the very fact that you are a survivor and it appears the one with self worth and value enough to know when to send family members that are abusive and dysfunctional into a safe distance from your self. I can relate to that. That is the sign of a growing soul. What choices your family makes are theirs and theirs alone. They must deal with their own conscience and souls for these choices. Yes, they are difficult to understand but remember they made these decisions and you didn't. Losing your nephew is rough, but your sister lives with that knowledge and grief every day of her life. You do too but again you didn't make that choice. I don't mean to sound unkind with that statement either. Sometimes people in our situations wear the grief and guilt for all concerned.

I hope I am making sense. I wish happier trails and life for you then you have known thus far. For your own mental health and well being, keep the safe distances with your family since it appears at this time to be totally dysfunctional and remember you are not alone in this fact. Families are tough and leave behind scars that take a long time to heal. We all have our road to walk and I have questioned my path but heck I have lived it and walked it now and done the best I can with it.  But you are not alone. I wonder if that can give you any comfort in knowing that fact? It has me from our group of grieving souls and hearts. If there is any comfort in revealing your sources of anguish and sorrow within this thread and I hope and pray it does exactly that. in peace, love & light. blessings be---ginger

 [ send green star]
 
My dear friend, November 09, 2005 2:51 PM

Ginger couldn't have expressed in better words the way I feel about your situation.  Her advice is mine too.  Yes, you are a survivor and still able to reason.  Also, you have your own family, which is priceless!  No doubt, coming from a dysfunctional backrground and going through so much pain, you're still suffering...  However, the past is over, and there can be a lot of happiness in your future because you are in a promising situation, provided you distance yourself from your sisters and family from now on. Even if it hurts. It will be for your own sake.  You have a husband and children who love you...  Do yo realize what a blessing it is?  Please don't worry about your mother-in-law...  she'll learn to appreciate you.

Keep us posted.  We're here to help you.  Healing, love and peace to you always,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock   

 [ send green star]
 
(((anonymous))) November 09, 2005 5:10 PM

Dear one, You certainly have been through more than most, but you sound strong and are a survivor. Ginger and Giuliana both gave you excellent advice, and I encourage you to take it to heart. You have your own family now and it sounds to me like you are determined to not repeat the mistakes others have made in raising you. You will do well to distance yourself from those who try to undermine your efforts.

I wish you courage and strength. Come back and talk with us at any time. This is a safe and loving place to open your heart and pour out your troubles, as many of us can attest.

Peace to you and yours,
Liz
 [ send green star]
 
No words to add November 10, 2005 6:44 AM

Others have beautifully expressed what I wanted to say, so I won't repeat it.  Let me just point out that family is not just blood relatives or those my marriage - I "divorced" some of mine a long time ago - they are relatives, but not family.  One quote I very much like is "Friends are family that you choose."  So take those who you know are trustworhty into your family and let the others be relatives or acquaintances.  Trust in yourself and know that others care - you found us!!!  [ send green star]
 
Excellent quote Tim... November 10, 2005 6:58 AM

"Friends are family that you choose." ---Tim's excellent and wisdom based quote.

 Tim, thank you for saying that. I understand how difficult it can be to divorce oneself from family, but sometimes it is for the best.

So dear Anonymous, many of us have walked the same paths but different issues perhaps fell into our pathways and clearly we do know what you are talking about but remember that quote from Tim, whenever in doubt. You deserve peace in your life, it is too short, make it as bright as you can. ---ginger

 [ send green star]
 
thanks November 10, 2005 7:57 AM

Thank you.
I've been strong, and a survivor, until now. Now I feel this is the lowest point ever for me. I've been told in the past that some consider it a miracle that I've never gotten into drugs, or started drinking, with everything that is in my past.

I don't feel like a survivor anymore. I feel tired. I actually WANT to go out and drink until I can't remember anymore. But I can't do that. I have responsibilities, my children, my husband, our future. But this pain is really hard to deal with.

I love my family, and even though they're supportive and sometimes cruel, it hurts to think of cutting them off completely and totally. My mother never even tries to understand. Neither does my father. They claim we should only focus on the positive in life. That's a little hard for me right now, and if we always focus on the positive, we turn a blind eye to those in trouble who need our help.

I called DFS on my sister and her husband, by the way, I told them I was afraid for my nephew's safety. They did nothing. And now he's dead. I just always thought it would be the abusive husband who did it, not my sister. I miss her more than I can ever tell you.

I try to tell others about my grief, and they tell me that I need to stay strong and not show my emotions in front of my kids, or I will traumatize them. But I need to cry. I think my kids should see their parents having different emotions. Emotions are ok. Its how you handle them that matters. Except that I don't know how to handle all of this grief.

I have also discovered that the man who raped us served no time in jail.. I am still in the statute of limitations, so I am trying to get him put in jail. I can't even tell my parents what I'm doing, because I know they wouldn't understand why I'm not just leaving it in the past. He needs to pay for what he did, and though the rape sentences in this country are a slap on the hand compared to what someone gets for robbing a store, at least he will serve some time for what he did. I hope. Its something I feel compelled to do. Especially since he is the one who is responsible for my sister's shattered mind. She is a million pieces, slapped together with crazy glue. And its his fault. I remember. My sister told me that when he was raping her, she would go to a land of rainbows in her head. I always envied her. I couldn't escape into that land. I was in the present, every moment, fighting, kicking, and screaming. Now I realize that staying in the moment is probably what helped me keep myself whole. I feel that my sister has probably retreated to that land of rainbows again after realizing she killed her son.

I think about the fact that if I go through with trying to get him in jail, I will have to see him, face to face. I wonder if I still will feel the fear I felt then, or if he will look like a weak, sick, monster to me. I feel afraid that upon seeing him, I will attack him. I feel the rage well up within me, and I know that I would be capable of killing him. I wouldn't, of course. But I would want to. I know that upon seeing him, I will wish for nothing more than to smash his face in.

Why aren't rapists given more time in prison? They ruin lives. Compared to someone who robs a bank, or does drugs, or other less vile crimes, a rapist gets a slap on the hand. How do I go about trying to get that changed? I don't even know where to begin.

You are right, whoever said it. I am determined not to make the same mistakes. I would never hurt my children. I will do everything I can to protect them.

I just feel alone... I appreciate that you are all here.
Crystal
 [ send green star]
 
Crystal... November 10, 2005 8:22 AM

Crystal, just so you know, we ALL feel tired at one point or another in our lives. That is when you need to step back and refresh your own spiritual energies and bring in reinforcements that will rejuvenate your fighting spirit. And that means, time for yourself where you do what you need to for the sake of your own sanity souls peace.

It might be somewhere you feel safe and where you can find something that might give you a how shall we say, strengthening of your soul. Either through a belief system, books, music, interactions with other people willing to let you have some of their light to lift you up and give you energy again to live life at your brightest. But find that spot Crystal, because once you do, feeling tired will bring out some loving moments.

---ginger

 [ send green star]
 
 November 10, 2005 8:51 AM

Crystal, dear one...I am not savvy enough to type in the reply screen and be able to refer to what I am responding to, please forgive if I come across a bit vague.  first thing...about keeping grief locked inside.  I am so glad to hear that you do not listen to those who say dont cry in front of the children, that it will traumatize them.  It has been 3 years since my sister is gone...and there are times still when I sit there and tears just pour down my face, my children in the room or not.  I believe that children need to see and experience the impact that sadness haves on us.  they will learn that it is a natural thing for us to grieve, to feel sadness, and to come through it and move on.  My mother never showed much emotion as I was growing up...it crippled me to a certain extent, as I have major trouble with dealing with anger.  good for you, that you working through that part of things, and in such a natural healthy way.

You truely have walked a path of pain and challenge.  I acknowledge your strength, your perseverance, the inner core that has kept you surviving and striving for better, and wholeness.  You are walking a path with many difficult lessons, but to my eyes, you are walking it with grace and courage.  It can be made even more difficult when those who you count on for support seem to fall by the wayside, but, dear heart, they too are walking their own road of lessons and grief, and have their challenges also.  You, by continuing to walk, and by reaching out and forming other support systems are a shining example to them that there is no set in stone way to reach the goal of wholeness...that it can be done in any way that works for the individual.

While I have not had family situations such as yours...so I cannot speak firsthand as to what you are living with that in your history, I do have one family member that is toxic for me, and while I do keep cursory contact with her because of our blood ties...I have made the choice to keep the relationship very distant.  A relationship with her would not be positive for my growth, and I am at a time in my life where my inner growth has to take precedence.  I have not shut her out completely, for that would be cruel, but I keep the distance to preserve my own soul.  hard to do with family, I know, but sometimes neccessary.

You have lived through much, and the key word here is lived...you have a wellspring of strength, one that is infinate, one that will continue to supply you with courage when you think there is not one more ounce to be found.  You have the strength to continue to raise and love your children, to love and tend your family, to reach out for support.  Your wellspring runs deep and strong, and I for one, am glad you posted here, for you have afforded me the honour of seeing such strength and beauty.  thank you.

warm hugs to you dear....Novella

 [ send green star]
 
 November 10, 2005 1:27 PM

Dear Crystal,

I'm glad you're keeping in touch because that just proves how strong you are!  Your first need is to escape the situation and, at the same time, open your heart to those who love you.  Sadly, your childhood and adolescence were like nightmares...  But it wasn't  your fault as none of us could choose our parents or in-laws...  So, like Tim said, your friends are your family, and I couldn't agree more because that's how I feel about my own folks and situation.  Believe me, many times I am VERY tired too!  But that means I'm alive and facing my problems.

Forgive me if I repeat myself, but now you have YOUR OWN family, which is something to be thankful for!   I concur with Liz when she recommends you not to hide your tears from your children...  That way they'll learn not to be ashamed of their feelings... chances are they'll even discuss them with you...Seeing you cry, or laugh, in a good or bad mood is part of life...  we're all human, with our emotions... likes and lislikes... good and bad traits...

To me, rape should be considered a high crime, but it isn't, not even in my Country.  So why reporting it to the Police?  The guy might only spend a few days in jail and be bailed out...  I don't think he'd learn his lesson and you'd be getting little satisfaction.  A better "revenge" would be to lose contact with him and the rest of the family...

Crystal, you have been through SO much, but talking about it is therapeutic and a "big step forward" towards healing!  In fact, I bet you weren't even mentioning it in the past, were you?   While now you're sharing it with us...  Until the other day, we were strangers, but now we're all friends.  We care.  We'll always be available for you.

Hugs and blessings,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

 [ send green star]
 
Long term thinking November 10, 2005 6:47 PM

As much as the teptation is to find a short-term response to the hurts we suffer, I have finally gotten to the point (which took along while) that I can release all of the pain, trusting in karma and that what goes around comes around.  I believe that those who hurt others will receive their punishment, either in this life or at some future point, and their pain will be equal or greater than that they caused.  I don't have to be the instigator of that punishment, nor do I have to know what it is - I just know that it will happen, and I can release the hurt.

Part of this is recognizing that I cannot control others, their actions, or their thoughts.  I can only control myself, my thoughts, and reactions.  (I recommend Wayne Dyer's book Your Erroneous Zones, where this thought first took root in me.)  Living well and making the most of my time here on earth is the best "revenge", and I don't care if anybody else recognizes it or not....I know what is going on and can appreciate it.  Otherwise, we give power to others to affect our moods and actions, and I will no longer do that.

Take care, and please keep letting us know how you're doing!

 [ send green star]
 
what about others? November 11, 2005 6:40 AM

Tim,
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're talking about me trying to get the man who raped me imprisoned. While I understand where your line of thought is positive and see where you're coming from, what about the other people he may be hurting? I believe that once a child molester, always a child molester, and I'm afraid he's hurting others. So my motive is not entirely revenge, although to be totally honest, revenge for my older sister is most of it.
Its like any other woman being raped, and then not reporting it. By not reporting it, the rapist is free to go as he pleases and rape other women. Also, it could be bad for karma if you know someone is dangerous and don't report them. Am I making sense here?

Moving on and trying to explain more feelings: My nephew is my biggest loss, because I tried to protect him, and I couldn't. The people who are supposed to help children weren't helpful. I also tried to get custody of his younger brother after baby Michael died. But the courts put him back with his abusive father. I don't understand how they could possibly think that was a wise choice, with the father's prison record, and with how abusive he was towards my sister. I pray for baby Zach every day. I pray that despite growing up with an abusive father, he will not turn into an abuser himself.

With Zach in the custody of his father, I will most likely never see him again, so the loss is tripled. I also carry a substantial amount of guilt. I carry this guilt because the day that he died, I had the overwhelming feeling that I should call my sister. Just over and over all day in my head: CALL HER. CALL HER. CALL HER. CALL HER. And I didn't. I figured she was getting ready to leave for my youngest sister's graduation, and I didn't want to bother her. But no, instead she was being stressed out by her abusive husband. Then of course he got to go to work and left her alone with the kids... and she kept getting more and more stressed... and then... well, the unthinkable happened. I keep thinking that I might have been able to help her if I'd just listened to my instinct and called her. Ohters have told me that its not my fault, and that even if I had managed to relieve my sister's stress that day, it just would have happened another day.

I do believe in fate, but believing in it is harder now, believing that a little boy had to die such a death, believing that my sister is the one who did it... even if she's not in her right mind (which she isn't) she's still the one who killed him.

I look at my hands sometimes, and I feel sick, because my hands look so much like my sister's hands. Sometimes his death pops into my head, and even though I wasn't there, I see it happening, and I can't stop it from playing out in my head.

I feel guilt because I hadn't sent him a birthday present for his last birthday. (not out of spite, it slipped my mind in the hustle and bustle of everything). I feel sad that I won't be able to give him the Christmas and birthday gifts I was planning on. I feel sad that his little life was spent in such an abusive home... I wonder if he knows I love him SOOO much.

When my older sister first got pregnant, my husband and I were almost certain one night we would wake to the baby on the doorstep. It never happened, but now I wish it had. I can see him running around here, having fun, smiling and laughing. It kills me to see his beautiful picture, his sweet smiling face. I kick myself for not doing more, for not harassing DFS until they listened to me. There were times I even felt a little envy because Mom nad Dad showed Amanda's kids more attention than they did mine. Now I know that happeneed because Amanda's kids needed the attention more. Our kids are happy and in a safe and loving home. I feel bad for any twinges of envy, and for missing his birthday, and  for a million other things I did and didn't do.

But... if you won't think I'm crazy... I've felt his presence around here, and see him out of the corner of my eye. The other night, as I was sitting right where I am now, the lid of the container my kid's blocks are in opened. By itself. My kids were asleep, and no, I wasn't imagining things. I'm pretty sure that's Baby Michael's presence.

Anyway, I appreciate all the support I'm getting here. I certainly appreciate it.

Crystal
 [ send green star]
 
Definitely take action November 11, 2005 7:32 AM

Crystal, I apologize if I misspoke.  I definitely think that rapists or others who prey need to be reported to anyone and everyone who might be able to take action!  (I won't go into what excruciating punishment I think is appropriate for them.)  But, after you have done all that you can do and control, then I think you need to let go and accept that any other actions are out of your hands.  If you have done everything within your power (and you certainly have--), then recognize that you can do no more and let it go.  You may not agree with the actions taken by others, but that is outside your control and spending precious time worrying about it doesn't help.

Many of us here feel the presence of those no longer with us, and I have had experiences that can not be explained by any "normal" science.  Treasure those as the person reaching back to you and be glad that they choose to do so.  Others may not have those experiences or even understand them - but those who have had them know how real and wonderful they are.....

Another quote I appeciate is "Nothing is as far away as one second ago" - I visualize it as a cliff falling away behind me.  We cannot go back, only forward.  I now do not spend time regretting actions I did or didn't take, but recognize them as the best I could do at the time (or less than my best, which I think about and honestly try to find out why less than my best was acceptable) and use them to try and better myself to take actions that are important now and in the future.  My past made me what I am today, but I can choose what I want to be - beginning right at this moment.  It took me a long time to get to that point, and I offer that advice to whomever I can.  It does work.

I'm glad we can listen and offer our support to you...you are a strong woman and an absolute survivor.

 [ send green star]
 
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