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March 15/2002 I will never forget March 14, 2005 5:40 PM

I remember clearly that morning I woke up crying i had a dream where my Spiritual Master had come to me  we were in an Island and there were others there, He told me "you all have to swim to the other Island by yourselves" I was confused was raining and the ocean was high like when a Hurricane is coming so I complained "But Gurudeva they will not believe us the same without you! please come with Us" He got angry and told me in a very heavy manner "you Show them Your Guru" when He said this He touched my Chest with His finger and my chest was ripped open and I could see His image in place of my heart and I was crying because i knew He will not come with us.He touched my Head as always did and then I woke up was 7 am.

After My prayers and feeding the pets outside i started to check my emails and talk to my friends on the internet was 9 am when someone knocked on my door it was my friend Cindy she asked to come in and told me to sit and then tried to give me a sedative by this time i knew something was very wrong and i just told her "please tell me who died I know someone died i can feel it on my heart who is it?" she told me Your Gurudeva died at 4 Am in India He was in a car accident and He died instantly.

I was totally confused of everyone expected not of Him this could not be true,is a bad dream, a confussion, a mistake I keep repeating this again and again.

Time stood still the world turned dark i could not hear, all was silent even the air was heavy and i felt so alone so alone and so fragile like a lost dog.

I have met Gurudeva in 1986 and there was an instant bond between us.

He was known as the Lion Guru very strict and very diciplined yet with me He was the most merciful person i had ever met.

I had lost my Father who had been my teacher and guide since birth and really He had been the only person who had loved me and not hurted me,nor put me down He always loved me as i was.

Been physically and mentally abused by my mother and sexually molested by my brother and then victimized by other people including my Husband who tortured me mentaly humilliating me every day i had no trust in people nor had any self steem at all.

When I met Gurudeva I knew instantly I wanted Him as my Teacher but i was not going to trust my heart had been hurted too many times so i only will look to Him from distance He understood me and never pushed me Yet He will send me the most Merciful glances that will captivate my soul He knew were I been and what i was going trough.

Took 7 yr. for me to give my total trust and also our relationship as student/Guru,child/father became very strong.

When my Husband left me to go after younger and beautiful women according to him i was to ugly for him He left me with my 2 children and no way to mantain myself. I run to Gurudeva and explained my situation He made sure i had food for my kids and me and my rent and bills paid in exchange i will do some work in our temple those were the happiest times of my life.

When He was traveling to other countries we kept in touch by mail and He will send me letters telling me how much He cared for me and my kids and in one He says " Dear tulsi you sign your name as the dog of your spiritual master and actually a Dog is a very lucky entity He never worries because He knows He is loved and His master will take care of Him in all circumstances,since you trust me so much I promise you that I will do my best that you will not lack anything in the physical way and that you go back to Godhead in the spiritual world.A dog is very special always at the feet of His master."

Wonderful memories but now all was gone He was gone.That day I felt I had lost my Master ! I was alone again! so alone and so unloved!

I screamed and screamed to God! why you took Him and not me!

I am useless! no one will miss me but thousands will miss Him He had thousands of children and He loved everyone the same.

Many will not understand my pain and agony. I had lost my Father and couple of brothers and other family members yet the pain I felt at Loosing my Gurudeva is a pain from the Soul a pain I had never never experienced and will never experience again.

He gave me a reason to be,to live, my trust on Humanity,I felt loved and cared and He gave me Love of God took my hand like a baby and teached me how to reach to God the same God that now had taking Him away leaving me so alone and confussed in the world.

Has been 3 yr and is not over. I cry often,I miss Him,I wish i could share with Him my triumphs and even that I know He is in my Heart as He showed me part of me still feels unloved and lonely I miss my master.

I dedicated my life totally to God after He left. I had no more desire for worldy life. His Death cut all the illussion I realized there was only one way for me and I embraced it with all my Heart.

His passing changed me, gave me new life,gave me a reason to show to others that there are people outhere who love you unconditionally,I feel He lives trough me and He continues His labor of love trough me do I am unworthy of this.

Took me many months of suffering i was again a scared and abused child who feared every human,I was unable to go to sleep I had to had a tape of His voice comforting me,i had to have His picture close to reassure me I was not alone,slowly i learned He is always with me in my Heart and in my soul.

I love you Gurudeva for ever and ever I am grateful for what you made of me.

your dog always at your lotus feet.

tulsi dasi

 [ send green star]
 March 14, 2005 5:55 PM

Today God as I am drowning in pain,
and my soul cries out in suffering,
I am asking you,
Why God,why if you have
millions of angels with you,
you took the only one I had?

if you have entire creations
that love you,
you took the only one who loved me?

why if there are so many useless
lives like mine,
you took one who gave so much to
the world and had so much still to give?

I ask you God,Please give me a sign,
that we are left now in a ocean
of tears and suffering,
without the beacon to guide us
to safe port,

and then you gave me a sign,
a dream where you spoke,
and said,
look within your heart He is there,

always there guiding you,
helping you,loving you,
love can't never die,love is eternal,

time for those who love is non existent,
distance is a thing of the mind,
always love,give and remember,
he is not gone...
now he is closer than before,
he lives in my heart.

In honor of my beloved teacher and father departed to heaven. 

 [ send green star]
 March 14, 2005 6:02 PM

If I had known that loving you will make me cry,
would I had loved you the same?

I had known that you would be taken away from me so soon,
would that had made me a better lover?

would I had giving you more roses,
shower you with loving phrases,
and given you more of my time,

If I had know you were to fly away,
I could had mailed sooner the letter,
confessing my sentiments,
the many thing that were unsaid,

would this had changed my feelings for you,
or should this made me fear and
hold this love to myself?

if I had known you were leaving me,
would I had surrender my heart at your feet,
knowing that soon I will cry at seeing you go,

If I had known my life will be empty again,
would I had made so many dreams
of you within me,
would I had tied my soul to yours in fervent love?

will knowing you would be snatched from me,
would have made me not to love you
as I did,?


loving you was the greatest thing,
one minute,a month or a year,
if I could I would do it all over again,
to love you was the greatest thing I did!

I wish to remain at your lotus feet
always gurudeva.

 [ send green star]
 March 14, 2005 6:04 PM

Why I am so lost,so lonely and sad,
why is that all we believe,
suddenly is changed,
why is my soul screaming in pain,
and I feel like a lost boat,
in the middle of an angry sea,
where is the shinning sun,
that it was your love,
now I am cold,
and so fragile I have found,
I have become that little girl again,
so lonely and in so much pain,
the dog that had a master before,
who never worried,
about tomorrows bread and love,
now whines in solitude,
lost in a world full of cruelty and depict,
I wish again and again,
why death didn't take me along
with you,
if when you closed your eyes,
you closed the flow of my life too,
maybe tomorrow ,
maybe I can write of love again,
right now,
all I can think is of what I
have lost.

tulsi108 march 20/2002  [ send green star]
 March 14, 2005 6:08 PM

The things I never told you,
things never whispered but
in the chambers of my heart,
murmurs of loving thoughts,
that your ears never heard,

The velvety sound of your voice,
melodious ,strong and soft,
sometimes roaring like a lion,
others soothing like the
meow of a cat,

Your glances,
sometimes full of powerful fury,
hitting like thunderbolts,
others soft and full of compassion,
comforting me like in a quilt of love,

Your laughter always fresh,
like a million cascades
making sounds that gave
my heart the pleasure to listen in awe,

Your love intense,heavy,smothering,
a love out of this world,

Your figure tall like the forms from
the heroes of the past,
and yet so fragile in need of care and love,

All you perfection,
in mind,character and thought,
you had it all,

To tell you...all you were to me is late,
to tell you...what you are to me,

Only God knows,
how much you are in my life,
what you are to me only God knows,
the measure of this love.

to my beloved Master,who is my life,
and lives in my heart forever.

tulsi  [ send green star]
My dear Tulsi, March 15, 2005 2:33 AM

now I understand your empathy, sound advice, and belief.  You learned it all from your Master!  He must have been a great soul with a big heart...  He came to you in your dream to say goodbye, and you know he'll never leave you.  Now you're putting his teachings into practice, which is quite an honor. And also an enriching experience for you and your followers.

Even though circumstances were entirely different, I'll never forget the day my Tony died...  exactly one month after our 5th anniversary.  They say that when you lose someone who's dear to you, a feeling of emptiness becomes overwhelming... Well, I feel like a skeleton... The "hole" in my heart has expanded to the point that now it is as if I had no flesh, no skin, no organs except for a thinking brain!  Like you, I keep wondering, in anger, why God didn't take me instead of him!  Nobody knows the truth.  Perhaps there's a whole plan behind all this... In any case, I do believe that there's a reason why I have met special people like you, Ginger, and a few more who can help me overcome this difficult time of my life...  I hope I can reciprocate.  Spiritual growth is not impossible, if we all work together. 

Be brave, my friend, and realize that you ARE loved!  You've found your mission too.  All the suffering you went through is paing off.  And you're also writing some beautiful poems, that come straight from your heart.


Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

 [ send green star]

Tulsi March 15, 2005 2:49 AM

Dear Tulsi,

You are an inspiration and I feel great respect for you.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Highest regards,
 [ send green star]
Yes, it is something that the tender heart never forgets... March 15, 2005 5:02 AM

Yes, for the anguish of it all the day they pass is etched into our minds & souls. It stays with us. Tulsi, this was all a beautiful tribute for someone who was very loved that remains loved and is terribly missed. I am glad you felt comfortable to come and share this lovely tribute.  This was just beautiful. I bid you peace and an unexpected kindness or sign from your loved one today. peace & blessings---ginger  [ send green star]
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