Prescribed by the Great Physician
> *****************************
> The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
> Noah was a drunk
> Abraham was too old
> Isaac was a daydreamer
> Jacob was a liar
> Leah was ugly
> Joseph was abused
> Moses had a stuttering problem
> Gideon was afraid
> Samson had long hair and was a womanizer Rahab was a prostitute Jeremiah and
> Timothy were too young David had an affair and was a murderer Elijah was
> suicidal Isaiah preached naked Jonah ran from God Naomi was a widow Job went
> bankrupt Peter denied Christ The Disciples fell asleep while praying Martha
> worried about everything The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
> Zaccheus was too small Paul was too religious Timothy had an ulcer..AND
> Lazarus was dead!
>
> Now! No more excuses!
> God can use you to your full potential.
> Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
> And one more thing...Share this with a friend or two...
> In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.
>
>
>
> 1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
>
> 2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
>
> 3. Growing old is inevitable .. growing UP is optional.
>
> 4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
>
> 5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
>
> 6. Do the math .. count your blessings.
>
> 7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
>
> 8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
>
> 9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray, don't worry.
>
> 10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
>
> 11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
>
> 12. The most important things in your house are the people.
>
> 13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
> God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
>
> 14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
>
> 15 He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
>
>
> Have a great day!!! The SON is shining and he can certainly use you!

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Sharing My Feelings

                                                      Conrad S. Cardinal

    If you've read any of the things I've written you realize how important I believe it is for us to make God a part of our daily lives.  It's been my experience that people who truly believe, are less likely to commit the acts we read about.  Now I'm not necessarily speaking about people who regularly attend a church or synagogue.  Even though I know many of these folks are very devout believers in God.  I'm speaking about those that are seeking to have a personal relation with God.  People who pray and seek His council to help them live their lives.  You might ask me how can you tell who really does it and who are just giving lip service?  The scripture speaks to us about the fruit of the Spirit as a sign of God working in an individual's life.
    Galatians 5:22 lists them, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  I would add compassion.   Understand I'm not so foolish as to think that these people have halos, however in your dealings with them you'll find that they make a strong effort to do the right thing.  Some one I respect told me that we to change with the times.  I disagree because what I see and hear concerning this time in history is very disturbing. Dishonesty, greed, and most disturbing of all is the escalation in pornography; especially child porn.  The child predator problem is growing by leaps and bounds.  My friend would say it's because we haven't changed and I would say it's because we have?
    I don't know how many believe in the adversary, but I do.  The scripture teaches that he has dominion over this world and if we don't fill our hearts with Godly things he will fill our hearts with something else.  What is this something else you ask?  Galatians 5: 19-21 says the works of the flesh are: "immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealously, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, carousing and the like".
    Admittedly there are many good things happening in the world today however there is a marked rise in the amount of hurtful and harmful events happening.  I feel we are becoming   a more decadent society.  Our values are becoming distorted; we are more willing to accept harmful behavior than ever before.  Believe me when I tell you that I'm not a prude but I do believe there is a line we should not cross.  Television, movies, the computer and our literature have not only crossed the line but have leaped well beyond it.
     I'm no a historian but from what I remember in school, all the great societies self destructed when they became decadent and self serving.  Greed, dishonesty, and immorality were the cause of their demise.  I'm of the opinion that we are headed in a similar direction.  For example we make icons of pregnant movie stars and we laugh at comedians that are disrespectful to God.  I could go on and on listing things that have changed for the worst; not the better.  If you read this and have an opinion on this subject please let me know.  Even if you disagree with me, I'd like to know what you think                                                                                             Conrad
                                                            

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Teacher: History is a very interesting subject, It tells you about what had happened in the past. -Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history. Teacher: Why? -Student:There is no future in it. ------------------------------------- -Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted : $10. Teacher : You don't know maths. Ted : You don't know my father! ----------Mother : David, come here. David : Yes, mum? Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now. ------------------------------------------------- Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?- Son : On Monday,teacher said 3+5=8- Father: So? -Son: On Tuesday,she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer? ------------------------------------------ -A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father. Daughter : It's mummy! Father : How do you know? Daughter : She didn't say anything. ---- Girl: Do you love me? -Boy: Yes Dear .-Girl: Would you die for me? -Boy: No, mine is undying love ------------------------------ Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me. Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born ----------Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer: Don't tell me your problems.Give me the menu card. ---- Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog! --------------------------------------------- Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son : That's why I say she's no good! ----------------- Teacher: 'Where were u born?' Student: ' Singapore,Sir. ' Teacher: 'Which part?' Student: 'All of me, Sir.' --------------------A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?' Only one hand shot up. 'Ok, answer Joan' said the teacher. ''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.' ------ Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?' Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'- Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.' Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A boy came home from school with his exam results. 'What did u get?' asked his father. 'My marks are under water,' said the boy. 'What do u mean 'under water'?' 'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

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 [ accepted]

>
> This is amazing that someone even thought of this!
>
> Dancing With God
>
>
> When I meditated on the word Guidance,
> I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
> I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot
> like dancing.  When two people try to lead, nothing feels right..
>
> The movement doesn't flow with the music,
> and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
> When one person realizes that, and lets the other
> lead,  both bodies begin to flow with the music.
> One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the
> back or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
>
> It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
>
> The dance takes surrender, willingness,
> and attentiveness from one person
> and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
> My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
> When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u"
> and "i".
> "God, "u" and "i" dance."
> God , you, and I dance.
> As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
> that I would get guidance about my life.
> Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
> My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
> and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
> May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
> Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
> and to guide you through each season of your life.
> This prayer is powerful and there is nothing
> attached.

 
> If God has done anything for you in your life,
> please share this message with someone else.
> There is no cost but a lot of rewards;
> so let's continue to pray for one another.
> And I Hope You Dance Through 2009!
>

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Thought this was pretty amazing and interesting! For all the scientists out there, and for all the students who have a hard time convincing these people regarding the truth of the Bible, here's something that shows God's awesome creation, and that He is still in control. Did you know that the space  program is busy proving that what has been called 'myth' in the Bible is true?

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The Japenese warrior was captured and thrown into prison.  At night he could not sleep for he was convinced he would be tortured in the morning.

Then the words of his Master came to him:"Tomorrow is not real.  The only reality is now."

So he came to the present

- and fell asleep.

The person over whom the Future has lost its grip :

How like the birds of the air and the lilies of the field.  No anxieties for the morrow.  Total presence in the now.  Holiness !

Source:- The Song of the Bird.

Author:- Anthony de Mello, S.J.

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First Plant Your Rows of Peas.........

Prepardness,  Politeness, Preserverance, Prayer.

Next to them Plant Three Rows of Squash......

Squash gossip,  Squash critismn, and Squash indifference.

Then Four rows of lettuce ............

Let us be faithful;  Let us be unselfish;  Let us be helpful;

and Let us Love one another.

And no garden is complete with Turnips.........

Turn up for meetings, Turn up with a smile; and

Turn up with determination.

By:- V. Muller.

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: http://nethugs.com/spiritual/god-knows/

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An elephant was enjoying a dip in a jungle pool when a rat came up to insist that he get out.

"I won't ," said the elephant.

"I insist you get out this minute," said the rat.

"Why?"

"I shall tell you that only after you are out of the pool."

"Then I won't get out."

But he finally lumbered out of the pool, stood in front of the rat and said, "Now then, why did you want me to get out of the pool?"

"To check if you were wearing my swimming trunks," said the rat.

An elephant will sooner fit into the trunks of a rat than God into our notions of him.

Source:- The Song of the Bird.

Author:- Anthony de Mello, S.J.

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An Easter poem by Rev. Greg Asimakoupoulos

A risen dead man raises questions
Empty tombs are not the norm.
It's no wonder skeptics wonder
yet their search for truth is scorned.

A grave mistake is dissing doubters.
What Christ did was meant for them.
And the fact that they're not biting
doesn't mean they're thoughtless men.

For even Thomas had a challenge
making sense of what seemed "non."
Yet the Savior didn't judge him.
and in time his doubts were gone.

So let the doubters voice their questions
Better yet, become their friends.
Show your interest in their comments.
Don't insist that you must win.

God's the one who will convince them.
You don't have to sweat and strive.
By your care and love in action,
you will prove Christ is alive.

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A Tale from Attar of Neishapur :-

The lover knocked at his Beloved's door,

"Who knocks?" said the Beloved from within.

"It is I," said the lover.

"Go away.  This house will not hold you and me."

The lover withdrew and pondered for

years on the words the Beloved had said.

Then returned and knocked again.

" Who knocks ?"

" It is you. "

The door was immediately opened.

Source:- The Song of The Bird.

Author:- Anthony de Mello, S.J.

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Splitting the Offering

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A disciple once complained;

" You tell us stories, but you never

reveal the meaning to us."

Said the Master :

" How would you like it if someone 

offered you fruit and masticated it

before giving it to you?"

Source :-The Song of the Bird.

Author:- Anthony de Mello, S.J.

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Uncle Tom had a weak heart, so when the family  learnt that he had inherited a billion dollars, they feared to tell him lest the news give him a stroke.  So they sought the help of the priest who assured them he would do the needful.

"Tell me, Tom,"  said Father Murphy, "If God, in his mercy, were to send you a billion dollars, what would you do with them?"

'I'd give you half of it for the Church, Father."

Father Murphy got the stroke!

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A man, a cross, and a movie

Allie Martin - OneNewsNow - 4/3/2009 6:20:00 AM

A movie has been released that chronicles the 38,000-mile, 40-year journey of one man who carried a cross around the world.

 The Cross: The Arthur Blessitt Story documents Blessitt's walk through more than 300 nations. Blessitt left Hollywood on Christmas Day in 1969 on a nationwide walk with his 12-foot wooden cross. The following year, Blessitt says he felt led to carry the cross in war-torn Northern Ireland. That was followed by a nation-by-nation walk around the entire world.
 
He says his journey allowed him to share the gospel with countless people.
 
"I've walked around the world. The Guinness Book of Records says it's the longest walk in documented human history," he shares. "But I didn't just walk -- I carried a cross. So that suddenly gave purpose and meaning to every person who saw it. [They knew] he's on a mission, and the cross is about Jesus."
 
The movie, produced by Gener8xion Entertainment, opened in theaters March 27 and is opens in more cities on April 10.

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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
        > and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
        > whenever the preacher's family expanded so would his paycheck.
        >
        > After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
        > decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
        > salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
        > the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much
        > more it could potentially cost.
        >
        > After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
        > and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
        > as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
        >
        > In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
        > her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
        > of it, we wear rubbers.'
        >
        > The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
        >
        >


   
________________________________

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samsom had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!", to which is father replied, "Yes, you're right, and they also WALKED every where they went!"

A small child with a bad cough was taken by her parents to a hospital emergency room. A nurse, examining the child's lungs with a stethoscope, told the child, "I have to see if Barney is in there." "I have Jesus in my heart," the child replied. "Barney is on my underwear."

There once was an Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."

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   -As the ship was about to leave, The first man heard a voice from Heaven booming,  'Why are you leaving your companion on the island?' 

The first man answered..  'My blessings are mine alone, Since I was the one who prayed for them,' His prayers were all unanswered, And so he does not deserve anything.' 

'You are mistaken!' The voice rebuked him.   
  'He had only one prayer, Which I answered. If not for that, you would not have Received any of my blessings.' 
 

 'Tell me,' the first man asked the voice, 'what did he pray for that I Should owe him anything?' 
 

-'He prayed that all your prayers be answered.' 
 

 - For all we know, our blessings are not The fruits of our prayers alone, But those of another praying for us. 
When Jesus died on the cross He was thinking of you! 

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 [ accepted]

I love it Britney. Laughter is the best medicine.

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I love your Church Bulletin Bloopers jokes Glezela W. so I went out and for soe more to add to your list.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting conference includes meals.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 [ send green star]

thanks for the funny stories. I don't have one. Just this silly clip.
  I am so glad gase asked me to join.
hugs, steffi

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Bella F.

 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.  When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling over $95,000. 

He asked  her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I  should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two  precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with  happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 

'Oh,' she  said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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 [ accepted]

For attractive lips

speak words of kindness

For beautiful eyes

look for good in others

to loose weight

let go of stress,hatred, anger, discontentment,

and the need to control others

To improve your ears

Listen to the word of God

For poise

walk with knowledge and self esteem

To strenghthen your arms

Hug at least three people a day

Touch someone with your love

To strenghthen your heart

Forgive yourself and others

For the ultimate in business

casual or evening attire

Put on the rob of Christ

It fits like a glove

But allows room for growth.

Best of all it never goes out of style

And is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily bases

Will certainly make you a beautiful person.

Worrying is like a rocking chair

It gives you something to do

But it doesn't get you anywhere.

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Thanks for the laughs guys!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

 [ send green star]

Ushers will eat latecomers

The Audience is asked to remain seated till the end of the recession.

Evening massage-6 p.m.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after the quior will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

Next Sunday Mrs.Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will speak on, "It's a Terrible Experience."

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Our next song is "Angels we have heard Get HIgh."

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

 [ send green star]

Leigh B.

When in sorrow, call John 14

When men fail you, call Psalm 27

If you want to be fruitful, call John 15

When you have sinned, call Psalm 51

When you worry, Call Matthew 6:19-34

When you are in danger, Call Psalm 91

When God seems far away, call Psalm 139

When your failth needs stirring, call Hebrews 11

When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23

When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Corinthians 13

For Paul's secret to happiness, call Colossians 3:12-17

For idea of Christianity, call 1 Corinthians 5:15-19

When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39

When you want peace and rest, call Matthew 11:25-30

When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90

When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30

When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121

When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67

For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55

When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1

How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12

When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10

If you are depressed, call Psalm 27

If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37

If you are losing confidence in people, call 1 Corinthians 13

If people seem unkind, call John 15

If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126

If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 126

 EMERGENCY NUMBERS MAY BE DIALED DIRECT.

NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.

ALL LINES ARE OPEN TO HEAVEN 24 HOURS A DAY!

FEED YOUR FAITH, STARVE YOUR DOUBT TO DEATH!!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

 [ send green star]

Announcement about rummage sale: There will be a rummage sale next Friday and Saturday. This will give you a chance to discard any old items you want to get rid of. Ladies Don't forget your husbands.

Guest Speaker: Tonight we will be having a guest speaker, Bertha Belch. Don't miss Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Nursery Announcement: We provide a nusery downstairs for anyone who has kids and don't know it.

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  / News

By  MATT BARTOSIK

Updated 12:08 PM CST, Fri, Feb 20, 2009

Related Topics: Jesus Christ | Barack Obama

109 Comments     Post a Comment

Q: Honestly, who takes up more of your psychic space?

When asked whom they admired enough to call their heroes, a cross-section of over 2,500 adult Americans mentioned President Barack Obama most often. Jesus Christ and Martin Luther King came in second and third, respectively.

AFP/Getty Images

When asked who their heroes are, Americans mentioned President Obama more often than Jesus Christ and Martin Luther King.

The respondents named their heroes spontaneously and were not provided with a list of names to choose from.

Others in the top ten, in descending order, included Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Abraham Lincoln, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, Chesley Sullenberger, and Mother Teresa.

Participants were asked to explain their choice of heroes. The most popular reasons were "doing what's right regardless of personal consequences," "not giving up until the goal is accomplished," and "doing more than what other people expect of them."

The same poll had been conducted in 2001. Back then, Barack Obama was completely unknown, and George W. Bush rated only 19th (and is now fifth on the list). Also at that time, John Wayne and Michael Jordan ranked 8th and 9th respectively and have now dropped out of the top 20. Colin Powell went from third to 16th.

It is also interesting to note that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ranks higher (12th) than her husband former President Bill Clinton (16th, tied with Colin Powell and George Washington).

The poll findings harken back to March 1966 when John Lennon told a British newspaper that he thought the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. 

The backlash was incredible, with the American Bible Belt protesting in the South and Midwest, and conservative groups staging public burnings of Beatles' records and memorabilia.

Hopefully, Obama will be spared the grief Lennon got in the 60s.

"I'm not saying that we're better or greater, or comparing us with Jesus Christ as a person or God as a thing or whatever it is," he said in a follow-up interview, claiming he was just stating a fact regarding the youth in England at that time.

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 [ accepted]

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

 [ send green star]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

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      10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.
      
      9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
      
      8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
      
      7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.
      
      6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
      
      5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
      
      4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
      
      3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
      
      2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
      
      And the NUMBER ONE reason...
      
      1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Greetings Friends

A great friend of mine sent me this and I thought I would share it with you.  not sure where to post this, if I posted in the wrong thread, please place it where it belongs,  Thanks

The Old Shoe

I showered and shaved.............I adjusted my tie  
I  got there and sat..............in a pew just in time.  
Bowing my head in prayer..........as I closed my eyes.  
I saw the shoe of the man next to me.....touching my own. I sighed..  
With plenty of room on either side......I thought, 'Why must our soles touch?'  
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine......but it didn't bother him much. 

A prayer began: 'Our Father'..............I thought, 'This man with the shoes,  
Has no pride.  

They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!'  
'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.  
The shoe man said.............a quiet 'Amen.'  
I tried to focus on the prayer.......but my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best when walking through that door?  
'Well, this certainly isn't it,' I thought, glancing toward the floor.  
Then the prayer was ended...........and the songs of praise began.  
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.  
His voice lifted the rafters.........his hands were raised high.  
The Lord could surely hear the shoe man's voice from the sky.  
It was time for the offering.......and what I threw in was steep.  
I watched as the shoe man reached....into his pockets so deep.  
I saw what was pulled out..........what the shoe man put in.  
Then I heard a soft 'clink'.......as when silver hits tin.  
The sermon really bored me.........to tears, and that's no lie.  
It was the same for the shoe man...for tears fell from his eyes  
At the end of the service......as is the custom here.  
We must greet new visitors..... And show them all good cheer.  
But I felt moved somehow........and wanted to meet the shoe man.  
So after the closing prayer.......I reached over and shook his hand.  
He was old and his skin was dark....and his hair was truly a mess.  
But I thanked him for coming.........for being our guest.  
He said, 'My name's Charlie..........I'm glad to meet you, my friend.'  
There were tears in his eyes.......but he had a large, wide grin.  
'Let me explain,' he said.........wiping tears from his eyes.  
'I've been coming here for months..and you're the first to say 'Hi.''  
'I know that my appearance..........is not like all the rest.  
But I really do try................to always look my best.'  
'I always clean and polish my shoes......before my very long walk.  
But by the time I get here...........they're dirty and dusty, like chalk.'  
My heart filled with pain...........and I swallowed to hide my tears.  
As he continued to apologize.........for daring to sit so near  
He said, 'When I get here...........I know I must look a sight.  
But I thought if I could touch you.....then maybe our souls might unite.'  
I was silent for a moment...........knowing whatever was said  
Would pale in comparison........I spoke from my heart, not my head.  
'Oh, you've touched me,' I said......'and taught me, in part;  
'that the best of any man............'is what is found in his heart.'  
The rest, I thought,...............this shoe man will never know.  
Like just how thankful I really am...that his dirty old shoe touched my soul.  
You are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.  
I respect you, and truly cherish you.

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here will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.
      
      After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.
      
      "My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"
      
      "Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."

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 Bible Confusion 

he little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.
      
      Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.
      
      Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.
      
      Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
      
      "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?"

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 How is it that God above
Has never gone on strike
Because he was not treated fair
In things He didn't like.

If only once He'd given up,
And said, 'That's it, I'm through!
I've had enough of those on earth,
So this is what I'll do;

I'll give my orders to the sun -
'Cut off the heat supply!'
And to the moon - 'Give no more
Light, and run the ocean dry.'

Then just to make things really tough
And put the pressures on,
'Turn off the vital oxygen
Till every breath is gone!'

You know, He would be justified
If fairness was the game.
For no one has been abused
Or met with more disdain.

Than God, any yet He carries on
Supplying you and me
With all the favors of His grace
And everything for free.

Men say they want a better deal
And so on strike they go.
But what a deal we've given
To God to whom all things we owe.

We don't care whom we hurt
To gain the things we like.
But what a mess we'd all be in
If God should go on strike!

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In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews & observances of their holy days.The argument was: it is unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).  The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'
 The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter & others.The Jews have Passover,Yom Kippur & Hanukkah.Yet my client & all other atheists have no such holidays.'
   The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do.Your client, counsel,is woefully ignorant.'
   The lawyer said, 'Your Honor,we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.'
  The judge said, 'The calendar says April 1st is 'April Fools Day.' Psalm 14:1 states 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

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Here is a link to A Christmas Scripture Tree-enjoy everyone!

http://home.att.net~sheryl2/FLASH/SEASON/ScriptureTreeChristmas.html

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you won't need a special star -

I'm no longer just in Bethlehem,

I'm right there where you are.

You may not be aware of ME

amid the celebrations -

You'll have to look beyond the stores

and all the decorations.

But if you take a moment

from your list of things to do

And listen to your heart, you'll find

 I'm waiting there for you.

You're the one I want to be with,

you're the reason that I came,

And you'll find ME in the stillness

as I'm whispering your name.

Love

JESUS.

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You've probably heard the story of a little boy and his father who were crossing a bridge. The father asked him to hold on to Him but the boy asked Him to hold his hand instead  When He asked what the difference was, the little boy answered:  "If i hold your hand, i might let go, but if YOU hold my hand, whatever happens, i know you will never let go of me.."

 God holds us tightly in His hands, despite the loose grip of our feeble FAITH...

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Things aren't what they appear
>
>
>
> Good "thought for the day"
>
>
> A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
>
> The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees
> the neighbor hang up the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean,
> she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly.? Perhaps she needs
> another laundry soap.? The husband looked on, but remained silent.
> Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would
> make the same comment.? About one month later, the woman was surprised to
> see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look!? she has
> learned how to wash correctly.? I wonder who taught her this?
>
> To which her husband replied.....?
>
> "I got up early this morning and washed the windows.? And so it is with
> life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the
> window through which we look through.?

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Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

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These were great! Thanks for posting. I got a good chuckle out of them. 

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n elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

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nstead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
      
      The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
      
      The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
      
      New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
      
      Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
      
      Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
      
      Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
      
      Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

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A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister replies, "Just water."

The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

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A little boy opened the big old family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it closely.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:  "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man & When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."    He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." 

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The

second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.

-Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. --

-"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes;And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

-"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

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Now Isn’t that odd how this worked out…or was God in the center of it?

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Brilliant Gasen and sadly oh! so true. There is a church here in Bahrain that needs lots of prayer for a leader who is trying to do everything in his own strength. As a result those called to be elders and deacons have stepped down because of a lack of growth in themselves. One such elder is now seeking to move away and join our church that is flowing with the Holy Spirit. I know that this church is spiritually dead because I have personally been to one or two of the services. God showed me clearly that most people were "pew warmers". Only when he used me to go boldly out to the front and give a testimony did the congregation start to respond and that day two other testimonies of God's healing were heard. The person that day delivering the message who is Holy Spirit filled, came into line with the word I had been given during the week so I know for certain that God is waiting in that church to work His miracles when the people stand up, step forward and rise as an army to come alongside the leader.

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There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.

The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."

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A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said. Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

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good ones Gase! thanks!

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WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed
Two stores in Oklahoma (USA), because he missed his old cell mates.
Police said they'd see if James could be reunited with his buddies.
But I think Mr. Knapp might have said something worth listening to. We Need friends, no matter where we find them.

And do you know who your best friend is? Automaker Henry Ford was
Having lunch with a man, when he suddenly asked the man that very Question. 'Who is your best friend?' Ford asked.
The man hesitated and Ford went on. 'I'll tell you who your best
Friend is,' he said. Then he wrote this sentence for the man to
Read: 'Your best friend is he who brings out the best that is
Within you.' Our best friends are those who do more than simply Like us. They also believe in us. They support us but, occasionally, They nudge us as well.
Someone put it well: 'A friend is someone who knows you as you Are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, And still, gently invites you to grow.'
Now...who is your best friend?

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One day all the employees reached office and saw a big notice on the door :
'The person who had been hindering your growth passed away yesterday.

You are requested to join the funeral & prayers which have been organised in the gym'.

 At the start, all were sad for the death of one of their colleagues,but after a while they started getting curious to know who it was that hindered their growth. 

 The excitement in the gym grew such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room.

 More the people reached the coffin, more the excitement heated up.Everyone thought: 'Who could this be? Who was hindering my progress?'.

One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence,
as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.

 There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.

 There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:

'There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU.
You are the only person who can revolutionize your life.

You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.You are the only person who can help yourself. Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change,when your parents change, when your partner changes, when your company changes.

Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs,

when you realize that you are the only one responsible for your life.

 'The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself'

 Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses:

be a winner, build yourself and your reality

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Campinas (IN 2005)

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Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!

Make a personal reflection about this.....

Very interesting, read until the end.....

It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):

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 Bea B.
 Subject:BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR/HILARIOUS


 BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
          Charlotte, North Carolina: A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
          Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
          In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
          The lawyer sued, and WON! (so what else is new?)

          (Stay with me.)

  Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance
company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company,
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.
    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

          NOW FOR THE BEST PART:
          After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
          (Good for them!!!)
          With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA !
 NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

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