This may be the best Living Will I've Seen (from GAYL)
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I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
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Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
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If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
  -Glass of wine
  -Chocolate
  -Margarita
  -Sex
  -Martini
  -Cold Beer
  -Chocolate
  -Cheeseburger 
  -Cup of tea 
  -Sex
  -Mexican food
  -Chocolate
  -French fries
  -Chocolate
  -Pizza
  -Sex
  -Ice cream
  -Cup of tea
  -Chocolate
  -Cheesecake
  -Sex
  -Chocolate
...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
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Then Have a Drink - IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE!

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 [ accepted]

Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?

Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.

Camp Counselor: There's no b in rose!

Camper: There was in this one!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

*Learned From A Snowman*

"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Avoid yellow snow.

Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Thank You~Lucy

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 [ accepted]

WHITE HAIR

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.

You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You've found yourself discussing the weather.

You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-"for the last time in a generation"

Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

A two-year-old cousin scared a mother one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when they found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply, "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: "Okay, Disneyland."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Yummy Peanuts

A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
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"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]