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Differances in Parenting June 16, 2004 11:26 PM

Hey this is Christina. I was wondering if you guys could give me some advice? My partner and I have a difference in disciplining. I don't belive that punishment is important to a toddler. I'd rather teach him what he did wrong. I also belive that it takes alot of repetition for a toddler to learn rules. My partner thinks that "he knows better". He also thinks that my son will learn better if he's smacked. I don't know how to stop this. I've tried telling him bluntly, giving him facts about spanking, etc. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about counseling, but I was hoping others in this group may have a different idea. I don't want my partner to think that I know everything and I definitely don't want him to despise me. On the other hand I don't want this to continue.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Hi! June 17, 2004 7:29 AM

Dear Christina, try to ask your partner to imagine how he would feel beeing smacked by a much taller, stronger person?! Wouldnīt it upset him and make him feel frightened and unsecure? How would he react? Is that what he wants for his child? And for himself!? With each smack he will lose a little piece of his childīs trust... Give love a chance - and teach by good example and with patience. Success! With best wishes, Carola  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Different approaches June 17, 2004 10:08 AM

Christina, that sounds difficult--you having a different approach to discipline than your partner. For me and my husband, we have slightly different styles, but he listens when I distill my reading and thoughts on gentler, more pro-active methods and I try to give him space to do things his way, too. I like the first response, in just talking with your husband about how he might feel. I would also suggest "Playful Parenting", a book by Lawrence Cohen, that might give another set of idea for approaching "mis-behavior". I'm with you, that kids need to feel out their boundaries multiple times. Just like practicing those physical skills (on-off, in-out, open-closed), they also need to practice the social ones (rough-gentle...). I don't think you mentioned when he wants to use spanking, but I think even at times when there is a safety issue (running to the street, playing with the electrical outlets...), your swift reaction and stern/scared voice (the real one, not just "being firm") will come across. These toddlers and preschoolers move FAST and are so much busier than we are, but we have such an important role in predicting their next step and setting the stage for success or failure/misbehavior and have to be mindful of our own role in getting to the spanking point. All this is of course my own perspective and my own style choices for parenting. Like Kelly described, I agree that well thought-out swats are a different thing than spanking or hitting and believe that that is your choice. It's just not mine. It seems like it is one thing to hear about and agree from different styles at a distance and a whole other thing to try to resolve these differences in the same house, with the same kids. -Kirsten  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Lucky June 17, 2004 10:13 AM

I suppose I got lucky in my hubby, since we both agree on disapline. When you are both home, who does the disciplining?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Clarification June 17, 2004 1:56 PM

Hey guys! Thanks so much for the input. To clarify the problem more I'll explain a little deeper. My son, Lance,is a smart, happy, do-it-myself boy. If he tries to pour his drink and spills it, he gets smacked. If he climbs on the table, he gets smacked. My partner seems to just be yelling No and smacking him. He doesn't try to explain why our son can't do something. He jumps in way too fast, when Lance is trying to learn how to do something. And these smacks are not just pats on the butt. They leave red marks on his skin. I'm actually not exaggerating. I have spanked our son before. He now knows not to run in the street, kick the cat, color on the walls, etc because of me spanking him. The difference is I don't leave marks and my son doesn't scream his head off after I spank him. I do most of the disciplining, but when we're both here my partner tends to take over.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
get help June 17, 2004 2:52 PM

Dear Christina, do you know why your partner is so much under stress? After reading your clarification, I do believe that this is not just a difference in disciplining but has another reason. And more impact on your son and your family-life and relationship than a pat on the butt and a different opinion... You wrote that you were thinking about counseling - please get help soon! All my best wishes for you, your son and your partner, Carola  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Punishment styles June 17, 2004 4:33 PM

...smacking a child is giving them the message that they are bad, not the act. Punish the act, love the child. Unless you want your child to understand that violence is a natural way of life - which of course it is in many countries. Good luck ...love...  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 17, 2004 6:25 PM

Please be aware. This group is for attachment parenting. Part of attachment parenting is gentle discipline. Spanking has no place in attachment parenting. Any pro-spanking posts will be deleted. Thank you for respecting the gentle-parenting focus of this group.  [ send green star]
 
 June 17, 2004 7:01 PM

I don't think you should remove a post just because it doesn't match every single person's view. This is supposed to be a discusion group. Or at least I thought so. No one here is trying to presuade anyone to spank. We are all just trying to help each other, but if you remove a post then we don't get to hear that voice. I can't go back to the post that was removed. I could've learned something from her.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Spanking is NEVER okay June 17, 2004 9:39 PM

Wow! I am surprised that anyone in this group would advocate spanking. Christina, I understand your concerns. Your gut is telling you something about your partner and I believe you need to listen to it. What you described is NOT dicipline, it is power and control. Your son gets "smacked" for doing things EVERYONE does. How would you feel if someone "smacked" you the next time you spill something? I strongly encourage you to look at various apects of your relationship. You mentioned also, not wanting your partner to "despise" you. Why would anyone despise another for expressing an opinion? It is your job as a mother to protect your son. Please get help for your family. I am a social worker, (sorry, Stephen...some of us are okay folks LOL) and I happen to sit on a team that reviews child abuse death cases. The one commonality we see in ALL cases is POWER and CONTROL. It is not okay for a big person to exert power over a little person just because he or she can. As far as learning from someone who advocates spanking, all you could learn is an exercise in cruelty and disrespect. For more information on domestic violence and power and control you can visit www.ncadv.org. Children learn what they live. We cannot promote peace in our society if we do not promote it in our homes. I applaude your strength and courage in coming to this group with your concerns. ~~Peace~~  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  June 18, 2004 6:05 AM

Someone agreed that a well-thought-out swat on the butt is occassionally okay. Christina even admitted to the once-in-ahile spank. I don't see their posts removed. I guess you have to agree with everything the group host does, to have your posts published. I will take my discussions elsewhere. Sorry for being such a horrible parent that my son wants to sleep with me every night and tells me throughout the day that he loves me. Poor kid.  [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
Pro spanking posts removed June 18, 2004 6:48 AM

There's a bit of a difference between Christina's post and the post that was removed. Christina came here to ask for advice about a conflict in parenting; she doesn't believe in spanking, but her partner appears to be spanking her son unnecessarily (many would say that ANY spanking was done unnecessarily, but for the sake of this discussion, I think we know where the line is drawn). The post that was removed did advocate spanking, and that is apparently against the rules. I'm not generally pro-censorship, and this might have been a lost opportunity to try to persuade the pro-spanker that they were on the wrong path, but the group owner's ruling is final. Might I suggest that these points are clarified in the opening description of this group? And Stephen W. - would it be possible to stick to one photo? Those photos are very important for all of us to instantly recognize each other (especially when you have a fairly common name). I personally liked that scary mask you used to use!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
photos for Graham June 18, 2004 9:33 AM

as I have the gift of 'discontinuity of self' inside my head and life (and it was given as the reason by social workers and psychiatric 'experts' as to why they should keep my baby away from me!), I actually prefer to flit around my photo album - presently the photo is of my 2 daughters (the younger I have not now seen for 3 years). Just focus on my name to avoid confusion - at least that does not change (I think) love  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 18, 2004 1:08 PM

Just bacause someone spanks their child doesn't mean they are horrible parents. And as for an advocate of spanking not being able to teach me something-note this: Everyone is this world could teach someone something.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Typo June 18, 2004 1:50 PM

Everyone in this world can teach you something.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 18, 2004 5:24 PM

>>I don't think you should remove a post just because it doesn't match every single person's view. I didnít remove the post because it doesnít match every single personís view. I removed it because it was pro-spanking, and this group is for attachment parenting, and spanking is not attachment parenting. Anyone who wants to read pro-spanking views is free to visit a different parenting group. >>I guess you have to agree with everything the group host does, to have your posts published. No, but you canít be antagonistic toward attachment parenting. >>Sorry for being such a horrible parent that my son wants to sleep with me every night and tells me throughout the day that he loves me. I did not say youíre a horrible parent. I only said that pro-spanking messages will not be allowed in this group. >> Everyone in this world can teach you something. Iím sure the person who posted the pro-spanking message could have a lot to offer to this group if she chose to say. It is possible to discuss the aspects of attachment parenting that you do practice, while refraining to mention parenting practices that go against attachment parenting. Anyone who wants to discuss spanking in a positive context, though, will have to do so elsewhere. If this thread turns into a discussion of whether or not I should have removed the post, that will not further the discussion of attachment parenting, either. I donít want to have to remove the whole thread. Letís get back on topic, okay?  [ send green star]
 
not all lessons are positive June 18, 2004 11:03 PM

>>>>Everyone in this world can teach you something. Agreed. 9/11 taught everyone something, and a lot of POSITIVE came from the incident. (people helping victims etc.) So did a lot of negative. Regardless, the incident itself was deplorable and an act of hate. As far as people who spank being horrible parents, we are all learning day to day. But if you know there are options, and you still chose to excert YOUR power over another, I would question your regard for others. Having worked with children who are SEVERELY abused...I have seen them also cling to the abusive parent. It is called "Stockholm Syndrom." Society teaches us that our parents are to be respected. Nature teaches us that parents are our caregivers. If we allow our minds for one moment to think that these caregivers are wrong, it tends to disrupt our balance. Therefore, children often cling more to the abusive parent. Thinking that if they were just "good enough" the hitting would stop. Or internalizing the abuse to be their fault. I'm sure the anonymous poster also tells his/her son throughout the day that he/she loves him...yet he/she still hits him. How's that for incongruity? As far as removing the thread...I think there is a lot to be learned from this discussion, so please don't. (we have enough power and control issues going on around here...just kidding). I think that discussing why spanking is NOT congruent with attachment parenting is an excellent topic. I am glad Christina was brave enough to bring it up, as I am sure there are others out there who also hit, but otherwise subscribe to many aspects of AP. Bottom line for me is hitting is about exerting YOUR power as a larger, older person on someone who is completely dependent upon you. It is a form of oppression that we, as a society, refuse to acknowledge. Would you hit your boss for doing something wrong? Would you beat up on the grocery clerk who bags bleach in with your veggies? Would you "smack" a total stranger for spilling their drink at a restaurant? No. We wouldn't do that because most of us have the moral capacity to know it is wrong. For the rest, well, we have laws that say you can't do that! What exactly are we teaching children when we hit them? And if hitting is such a great teaching tool, why do we abandon it as adults? Maybe everytime we make mistakes we should hire someone larger and stronger to smack the crap out of us...."that'll learn us". DUH? On a lighter note, re:Stephen's picture..it kinda creeped me out at first (the one with your face painted)...but after reading your posts I see behind the mask you are a kind, gentle soul. How profound. Thanks for the reminder that we all wear masks. As for your diagnosis being used against you regarding your child....I would seriously look into advocacy groups in your area. You seem to have the skills to be a great parent. Your "mental health" should not be a factor.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Apology June 19, 2004 7:16 AM

I was upset when my post was removed, and I retaliated with an anonymous post that wasn't mean, but I'm not proud of it. It was childish and I apologize to everyone. This is not MY discussion group, nor is it my place to decide which posts are relevant to the topic at hand. That is for the group host to decide, and she did. It was wrong of me to be upset or for me to feel attacked, because I do not think that was your intention. I sincerely hope you accept my apology for my out-of-line anonymous post. Happy Weekend to all, and a Happy Father's Day to all dads out there! :o)Kelly  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Removed postings... June 19, 2004 2:46 PM

Hi, again, Kelly... I had a posting removed from Being a Man forum because it was about female circumcision and the forum boss only wanted to discuss male circumcision. C'est la vie. Sometimes the world likes to stay ordered. keep posting, we do want to hear from you, LOVE  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 19, 2004 3:03 PM

It's okay to feel upset that your post was removed. Heck, I'd be upset if a post of mine was removed. You're right that it was not my intention to attack you. I'm happy to accept your apology.  [ send green star]
 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... June 19, 2004 3:16 PM

we got off the mark here. Christina had a very important question about differences in parenting. The question isn't whether it's okay to spank or not (someone could start another topic about that), or how or when to censor posts or which photo to use, but: How do two parents compromise on different ideas of how to raise their children? Differences could be about spanking, or watching TV or co-sleeping, or whatever. How do two grown adults communicate and agree for the good of the children and family? I have generally been lucky - but occasionally my husband and I have disagreed about specific issues we have faced with our children. It is really, really hard to compromise when you each think your way is the right one. I have been very frustrated at times! Does anyone else have any helpful advice or experiences to share? Brenda  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 19, 2004 10:05 PM

Welcome back Kelly! I'm glad you came back. I didn't want to embarrass you by bringing up the post removal, but I wanted to hear what you had to say. As well as everyone else. I guess it's about time we get back to the subject. Someone asked me why I think my partner will despise me. I'm sorry I can't find out who right now. I don't want my partner to think I'm a better parent than him, if I keep bringing this up. He is a good daddy. My son and him play together and are generally happy. I guess I just need to word it correctly and sensitively. I need to plan what I'm going to say. I've already stoppped most of his disciplining. I don't let him take over when he gets home. But I want both of us to be disciplining our son. I just don't know exactly what to do yet...  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 20, 2004 11:01 AM

Thanks for getting us back on track, Brenda. To the OP: I'm glad you've gotten most of the spanking to stop and that you're no longer allowing dh to take over when he gets home. That's a great step forward! As far as sharing parenting decisions, I welcome my dp's suggestions, but when it comes to my kids, I make it clear that I have to have the final say. As a mother I have the right and the responsibility to care for and protect my children. Parenting is not equal. Women are the ones who grow, birth, and breastfeed babies and there are rigts and responsibilities that go along with that, IMNSHO.  [ send green star]
 
Great first step Christina! June 20, 2004 1:05 PM

That sounds like a good way to go to start making changes. Is part of the short temper in your partner work/stress related? Is some of what he does not so much his parenting choice, but more a reflection of his own frazzled nerves or tiredness? Not that these make harsh disciplining OK, but they may be some points for empathy ... I recall someone affirming your statement about pursuing counseling. Does your partner support this idea? It would be great if your found someone who values the AP philosophy, to get a profesionally gentle affirmation of this style, for you and your partner in parenting. For me, I have to keep an eye out for how tired my hubby is with our son. I get frazzled and short with him, but try to reserve my "no's" to Zane for important times. DH is much more ready to say "no" and some evenings is just not ready emotionally to give me the break I'd like. I was reminded of this by your statement, Christina--those days, I have to stay aware of the kiddo. -Kirsten  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 20, 2004 6:37 PM

What does OP and dp mean?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
OP dp June 20, 2004 7:33 PM

OP= original poster dp=dear partner dh=dear husband As to orig. topic: spanking, esp. on a young child is wrong. All the child is learning is fear. Spilling a drink? If my dh smacked me every time I spilled a drink, he'd be in jail! Smacking, hitting, spanking, whatever you want to call it all boils down to violence against a child.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
When things get too much June 23, 2004 7:09 AM

My Wife (Sorry, I don't like these acronyms that only save you two letters, confuse the heck out of newbies, and "dh" means something entirely different to me! ) is still at home until the end of this month, and I work from home, and what Kirsten said a couple of posts up resonated with me. Our 7 week old daughter is already sleeping right through the night mostly, but she does get very needy during the day. On these hot days, it's very difficult to have a baby right next to you all day. If you put her down she'll often get very upset. Now, it's my wife who usually has this, and I see that after a certain time, she needs some relief. Sometimes, it's just very frustrating to drop what I'm doing to take the little one from my Wife, and when I have to do this, it's difficult for that frustration not to "leak out". I know that's not healthy for my daughter. I can tell that she can sense it, even at this early age, and it seems to increase her agitation. It's relatively easy, when one parent is getting frustrated, to hand our bundle of joy to the other one, but it's less so when you're both feeling that way. Neither of us would strike or shake our baby, but I can understand how it can happen. How do you all cope?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
First, abbreviations June 23, 2004 10:35 AM

Yes, I can see how the abbreviations can be confusing. I often find myself trying to puzzle out new ones I come across. DH, DP, DS (son), DD (daughter) I have been reading for over a year, so I forget they are not Oxford-approved! Not so much now, but still sometimes and certainly for the first four full months with my son, I had to type one-handed, so abbreviations were WONDERFUL to shorten things. Now, he sleeps off of me, which brings me to Graham's post above... "... needy during the day. On these hot days, it's very difficult to have a baby right next to you all day. If you put her down she'll often get very upset. Now, it's my wife who usually has this, and I see that after a certain time, she needs some relief." Oh, yes, when Zane was 1 week old, I went to my first lactation support group meeting (this was a social and breastfeeding godsend!). I remember asking when they sleep on their own and getting laughter in response. My kiddo has always been very high-contact and was a marathon breastfeeder until he hit about five months. I LIVED in my rocker and with my computer--hooray for the Internet! So, I sympathise. Does she use a nursing pillow? This could help in limiting the skin-to-skin sweatyness a little. Also, as you can see from my icon, I am a "babywearer". I LOVED my Maya Wrap for his newborn time and some of later infancy. Now, it's for emergencies. The slings take some getting used to, but are a great way for you guys (you can get them big enough for dads) to keep your hands free and for baby to get the body contact she needs and desires. Also, the rocking and body noises are so soothing to the little ones. "Sometimes, it's just very frustrating to drop what I'm doing to take the little one from my Wife, and when I have to do this, it's difficult for that frustration not to "leak out". I know that's not healthy for my daughter. I can tell that she can sense it, even at this early age, and it seems to increase her agitation." Yup, I hear you on the frustrations. I have had to take the baby back from my husband when he wasn't in a good emotional space. As they get older, you see them physically and facially mimic your frustrations ... This is sometimes a little funny, but always a learning moment for me. Again, I suggest baby-wearing. I know it's a hot solution in hot, humid weather, but it really, truly can allow us to get things done (some folks are better at this than others) and give baby your presence. "Neither of us would strike or shake our baby, but I can understand how it can happen." Yes to this, too. I had an ah-ha moment a couple weeks ago when I was trying to get some gardening done and my guy wanted to "help" by dumping the plants on the ground, tromping on the beds, etc.. I had a moment where I could have lost it and decided to stop what I was doing and reassess what was important. Not the garden, then! I hope some of this was helpful, Graham. Sorry, I go longer than I want, usually! -Kirsten  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 23, 2004 4:11 PM

In adjusting your life to fit in the new life of your son, has your partner lost a lot of his share of time with you? It could really restore the peace if you two got quality time together alone. Grandparents, good friends.. can all come to the rescue to give you that chunk of time. Or you can exchange time with another couple with small ones. Just a thought  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Juline, who was that to? June 23, 2004 4:47 PM

Was the question to me or Christina or someone else. Sorry, just confused ... -Kirsten  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Help me understand June 25, 2004 12:37 PM

I just read all the post that were on here about the spanking and I have a few things to say about this. My son 7 was taken from me and my husband due to us spanking him and social services was called on us and we are being told that we are "bad parents" becasue we did this. We have to take parenting and anger management classes. This was the 1st time we have ever spanked our child, we have 3 all together. Before we spanked him though, we did all other things that we knew would help, but they didnt work with him. We grounded him from his playstation, didnt let him go outside and play , time out and nothing was working. I was told by my mother that she spanked me as a child and thats how she got across to me, so we spanked him. We talked to him about this before and after we spanked him. It hurt us both to do this but we were at a lost as what to do to get a child to mind . What other ways are there to discpline a child, when they dont want to mind or listen. They talk back and start fights in school and on the bus?..I dont agree with spanking , as thats not always the answer but if you try everything else and nothings working, what other ways can help get across to your child that you are the parent and they need to mind you. I havent seen my son now for 8 weeks, the court placed him in the care of my parents untill all this with the state is over and they see that we arent bad parents. In the mean time, though, my son doesnt understand why he cant see him mommmy and daddy . I feel that we dont have a voice in this and no matter what we say the state has found a way to turn it around into something bad. I beleive that social workers are good when there really is abuse in a family but I have found that 90% of the time, thats not been the case. I have heard alot of bad stories about this but again, parents dont get a voice in this anymore.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 25, 2004 1:42 PM

Leighann (sorry if I misspelled), I am so sorry to hear (er read) what happened to you. Although I am anti-spanking, I do understand how you could be at your wit's end figuring out how to discipline your son. I don't agree with children being taken away for a spanking, but I am curious how it happened. Did your son say something to someone? My thoughts and prayers are with you in hopes that you will have your son back soon.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
What to do besides spanking June 25, 2004 10:33 PM

There are a myriad of things you can do besides spanking a child. The first thing to remember is that spanking doesn't work. If it did, you would only have to do it once. Also, I will again pose the question....if spanking is a viable tool for teaching, why do we abandon it as adults? Spanking is nothing more that getting a little person to do EXACTLY what a big person wants and in EXACTLY the way the big person wants it. It is about control. With that said, I will speak to the issue of what to do when the frustration reaches it's breaking point. I have a VERY active 3 yr. old. She is now seeking her autonomy and is currently VERY defiant. If I say black, she says white. I usually pick my battles. There are things that are just not important. I remember that I am the adult... I can make a choice whether or not to engage in the behavior. I find that when my daughter gets no reaction, the behavior ends. If I start raising my voice or seeming aggitated, she responds...negatively. That's the easy answer. The difficulty comes when I am tired, uncentered or otherwise just plain crabby.....I find that I have to take a grown-up time out. I fix tea, take a bath or sit in a quiet spot. Sometimes my daughter is in the middle of a rip roaring temper tantrum...i politely tell her mommy doesn't want to hear it, and i leave the room. She usually calms down and comes looking for me. Of course, I have had my moments where I turn into screaming-crazy-lady, we ALL occasionally do it.....when that happens, I remove myself from the situation and come back to it when I calm down. I also apologize to my child. I let her know that while her behavior was still inappropriate, so was mommy's reaction to it. She told me one day "mommy, i spazzed out, then you spazzed out." She was right. It provided a great opportunity to talk about handling emotions and expressing them safely. My daughter NEVER feels like she can not tell us she is upset or angry with us. She has rights to feelings as much as we do. I can not teach my child that hitting is not appropriate if I hit. You can't "punish" a child for fighting, by hitting...it's just illogical. The "golden rule" in our house is...it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to hurt someone. PERIOD.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
I understand that June 26, 2004 9:19 AM

Regina, I know how all that goes, and I have done that, but again I have a 6 yr boy, 7 yr old boy and a 8 yr girl. The fighting usually is between the 7 and 8 yr , always screaming at each other and thats the point where we dont know how to handle them. No matter what we say, they are at each others throat. The main problem is , the 7 yr old is like your daughter, what is white he will argue me till its black. I dont like the spanking part but again, I was at a lost . He is going through alot right now not being here and I belive its doing more harm to him then if he was with us. How it came about was he went to Mississippi to spend spring break ( i thought it would do him some good, since he had been acting out) and told my parents and they took it further then it really was. They knew about the spanking but was mad that I moved away from them and told me this was their way of getting me to move back home. I have always been the one under their control and now that I left, they didnt know how to deal with it. We dont speak now and they still beleive that my husband and I did this to harm my son on purpuse but have said they would stop with all this, if I divorced my husband and moved back home with them. I cant do that , since I know in my heart that we never "abused" my son , they way they claim. This is a place now, that I dont know what to do. The state has put thoughts into my head that arent right but I have to second question myself as a parent alot but deep down, I know that I didnt do anything wrong, Yes I spanked my son and maybe that wasnt the answer but again, we didnt know what else to do at that point.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Leighann June 26, 2004 2:53 PM

I think you could think about Radonda's message, above, both in terms of yourself as a parent but also in terms of your own parents. They seem to have a pretty incredible sense of control over you and your life. I have to mention the amount of power they are wielding over you to make sure you are aware of how much you may have learned relationships that are about "power over" instead of "negotiation with" or even "mutual respect" and thus are teaching these to your kids. I know in one of your earlier posts you said that you decided to resort to spaking because it worked for your parents. I have to ask--DID it, really? Do you feel that it helped you become a loving, capable person? I imagine not, but could be wrong ... If I am reading your message correctly, your parents are no longer using spankings on you, but they are most certainly excerting their power of punishment. Over a grown child with a family of her own. I don't know what to say as far as advice, but you have my sympathy about a painful situation. Also, I think we are far afield from both Christina's original post and Attachment Parenting. Perhaps we could start a new thread to explore peaceful, respectful alternatives to spanking? Christina--how ARE you doing with your situation? -Kirsten  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Kristen June 26, 2004 3:58 PM

Hey, how are you? I'm glad you asked. I haven't told anyone yet; you're the first. My partner and I are going to parenting classes together! I've found a local Attachment Parenting Group in Tucson. I've decided we are both going, because I don't want him to think I'm a better parent and despise me. And parenting classes are good for anyone-no mater how much you think you know. I know that I don't know everything! I can't wait to start! I think it will be fun meeting other parents in town that parent the same way as we do.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 26, 2004 3:59 PM

Sorry Kirsten, didn't realize I spelt your name wrong. Sometimes I type too fast for my own good!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Christina June 27, 2004 6:29 PM

How awesome that you AND your partner are going to classes!!! You are so right about EVERYONE benefitting from good parenting classes. I TEACH parenting classes, yet when I became pregnant I signed up for an infant care class. Most of the stuff I knew, but I sure walked away with some great tips. Then,when my daughter was born..whew!...I remember a few colicky nights thinking "okay, my business card says 'child welfare specialist'...who the hell thought I was a SPECIALIST in this!!!! I'm not even a novice!" It was so hard! I felt I was struggling with my identity as a mom AND a professional. I still feel badly when I make a parenting mistake (like turning into screaming-mommy). Most of us intuitively know what is right for our children, and what we are doing wrong. Trust your instincts...it's sounds like they are right on track!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
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