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Grief from others? July 05, 2004 6:07 PM

I think I've been very lucky. We've raised DD as attached as we could manage with me working and DH sure that it would spoil her or make her so dependent on us. Well, now we have a very independent toddler and folks don't say much about it. Anyone have to deal (or have had to deal) with others who were ... less than supportive? Either a spouse, or a parent, or a friend that just didn't understand things like breastfeeding on demand, or delayed vaccinations or slinging? Did you do anything about it to help them understand? Or did you just let it go?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 05, 2004 6:34 PM

My MIL had a huge argument with me about homebirth when I was pregnant. It upset me so much I emailed her and told her I didn't want to talk about it any more, and to her credit she dropped it. I sent her a bunch of info about it but I know her position hasn't changed. I'm afraid to tell her that we don't vax!  [ send green star]
 
I hear ya! July 05, 2004 7:20 PM

I'm always wary about the vaccination issue as discussion. Some folks are just so.. militant about it, on both sides. I know DH was very wary at first (he's second marriage for me, third for him, he had 2 kids with 2nd wife) but after I explained not only my views but my philosophy on the subject he was comfortable about it. He simply hadn't thought about it ever before! Ugh! How often that's the case is phenomenal (I'm all for INFORMED consent at the very least). But thankfully I've had very little actual opposition. If nothing else I've had a LOT of folks be VERY curious. So often I'd be stopped at the store or on the street while slinging DD. They'd ask what it was, how it was used and why. They'd stop to see the "sleeping" baby only to be shocked to know she was nursing, not sleeping. I'm very open about things so I've always been happy to help them understand it's NORMAL.. LOL. My one friend has a neighbor that calls me "the breastfeeding woman".. LOL.. but folks are just amazed when they see how well DD did in the sling and how outgoing she is now. My mom wasn't 100% behind me on all issues (she could understand the breastfeeding and cloth diapering and even the vaxxing but the carrying baby all the time in the beginning rubbed her a bit wrong) but respected my wishes at least. My MIL isn't around much but was also very respectful. In my family I've always been the "crunchy" one so they weren't surprised at how I've chosen to raise my kids. Full of questions at times but very respectful.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 08, 2004 5:14 AM

How about the billion and one times people ask, "Where is the crib?" My mom was so upset we didn't set a crib up for the babe (I have one, from my first babe--he didn't use it and it took up so much space...) Luckily we are so tight on space, she couldn't set one up for us, like she threatened. Vax's are hard to be public about--questioning them really forces people to question the entire medical community, and a lot of people aren't ready for that. I tend to keep my mouth shut about it, unless I'm around people who are more open minded. Leaving Neustader's Vaccine Guide laying around is what convinced my husband (who thought I was just being weird before that...hehehe) For that matter, having Mendelsohn's How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor has been a huge help too. He is still pretty weirded out about the idea of a homebirth for our next babe, whenever that might be...and I haven't even brought the idea up with anyone else in my family, nevermind his (which is way way way more mainstream than mine)  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 08, 2004 6:41 AM

We had a crib for DD.. set it up with only 3 sides next to our bed... never used it. She ended up sleeping on me or on my arm. We tried using it later but she prefered her playpen. Works for me! It's also portable so when we go camping or something it's not a big deal to bring her bed! LOL... DH wasn't big on a non-hospital birth at first. Homebirth was scary but after he heard about my son's birth at our midwife's place (which is her home... but better, she's got a jacuzzi!!) he loosened up. He'd seen his 2 kids born and 1 stillborn in a hospital... the idea of possibly losing another scared him I think. But I assured him that I took pregnancy and the seriousness of it to a different level than his ex... and he saw that and was relaxed by the time we were slepping over to the midwife's at 1am... LOL. We ended up having a waterbirth and DH saw that had it been a hospital birth, he imagined as did I how different it would have been. See, DD was born with the cord wrapped tight. She was born right into the water... midwife unwrapped and we rubbed her together on my belly to help her get her first good breaths in. Think that would have happened so casually at a hospital? I think not... DH said she was nearly the same color as the baby he saw die years before with his ex but our baby didn't die... she lived and how! LOL... I think folks get it in their heads that OBs are the norm when in most other countries midwives are the norm, OBs are for high risk pregnancies. But then some are so convinced that the pain of childbirth will kill them that they don't even want to try it. Me? I found it's the only pain in the world, that has a purpose. LOL..  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 09, 2004 12:12 AM

we have a crib, he sleeps there during naps while I'm doing chores, but that' about all. My MIL is kinda a pill, and my bf is asking me now how much longer I plan to breastfeed. I just ignore them. LOL  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
DH and breastfeednig July 09, 2004 6:24 AM

DH was funny about the breastfeeding... he was FINE with it at first.. saw the virtues and benefits to it. But the closer we got to the 6th month he was like "so, how much longer do you think?". I explained to him about child led weaning and said "definitely not til she's a year". A year came and went... he's stopped asking, smart man! He's come to realize that for a very short part of his life, my... note MY breasts are for our daughter. I get touched out so, he's learning that it's normal for me to feel that way and he's grown very respectful over time. He no longer asks at all when she'll wean... she's 21 1/2 months old... and showing no signs of stopping. We're doing 'don't offer, don't refuse' weaning right now and it's working for us. Our mornings are sooo busy that it's often not missed by either of us and by the time I get home from work, we're both ready for a little "down time". She might nurse one more time before bed and that's it. No fits... but she's not ready to go cold turkey yet either. LOL They're HER 'nip' right now... and daddy just has to wait. LOL  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
My husband's family July 11, 2004 10:15 PM

nearly had a heart attack when they learned I was going to a birthing center....the funny thing is my ob/gyn was all for it...except he made me promise to bring the baby in so he could see her after she was born. (which I did). I still hear complaints from my husband's Aunt about the birth. I had a very long labor. Two years before my daughter was born I had cancer cells removed from my uterus....the scarring made it a little harder for me to dialate, so my labor was around 30 hours. Of course lots of people tell me it would have been "shorter" in the hospital...I just reply, "yes, but the doctor would have cut open my belly rather than stick his arm in up to his elbow like my midwife did to help out the process...I much prefer the latter." That usually elicits a shocked silence I also get grief from almost everyone about nursing my three year old. We don't nurse publically anymore, so I usually don't inform others unless they ask. I have found a great AP group in my area...they meet once a month and have regular play dates throughout the month...it is soooo nice to have like-minded people to hang out with. I would suggest that to everyone! If your city has an AP group...join. It sure helps to know there are others who aren't "mainstream".  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
My Ex... July 12, 2004 12:09 PM

used to give me so much grief about my son breatfeeding past age 2(he self-weaned at 2 1/2)...he also was giving me alot of poo for him co-sleeping,but now since his girlfriend(evil wench) isn't the center of his world anymore and our son is again(victory for me and the lil guy,I just wanted a good father for my son,I was hoping for a good hubbie,but I did get an ok friend)he's kinda laying up on the fact that my son prefers to sleep in bed with his parents,be it here at home or when he's at daddys. My son is almost 4 and though he's been through alot more then I wouldve wanted,hes an amazing little guy who loves his mama more then anything. As for his parents,well,I don't even go there...and my dad is still going crazy b/c I haven't baptised my son yet(he'll be 4 in 1 1/2 months). But thats another story,my dad doesn't even know I'm not christian!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
not christening July 12, 2004 3:01 PM

My nan has been moaning for 5 years that I haven't had my kids done, when she knows full well i'm not a church goer - her reply? That doesn't matter!!! Well what is the point then? I had to set up a crib for my son - which he doesn't use, beacause the health vistor kept asking where it was, if I had said he slept with me I would have probably had child protection round (they were on my back at one point because of my 'lack of routine, and haphazard lifestyle!!!!')  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Wow Mike July 13, 2004 5:48 PM

Well, if a child is hungry in public, you would deny it food? Yikes... one aspect of attachment parenting is breastfeeding on demand including in public (using discretion of course.. since in some areas there are laws that prohibit any kind of exposure, even for sustaining life). You're not doing something that should be contained in a toilet, you're feeding a child.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
LOL July 13, 2004 6:32 PM

Well, when I nurse in public you don't get a show, that's for sure. LOL.. Discretion is the better part of valor, so the saying goes.... could apply to breastfeeding, I'd say. LOL  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Hmmm... July 13, 2004 6:53 PM

Well, if she were wearing a bikini top she'd be just as covered... Baby is covering what Hollywood would if she were in a motion picture. I've always been under the impression that it's the nipple that seems to upset folks most. Course most folks forget that the primary function of a female's breasts is milk production to feed her young.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Just curious? July 13, 2004 7:11 PM

But what message do you want your kids to get about breasts? That they're shameful? I can understand if it's about respect... then you can teach them not to look... but if my son sees someone breastfeeding, first of all it's not foreign to him, second if he asked I'd simply say "she's feeding her child". I had to feed my daughter at a gathering I attended. I had a little girl (daughter of a friend), about 9 ask me what I was doing when I slipped on the sling to nurse DD. I told her I was breastfeeding. "HUH?" She asked... I said, well, like a momma cat feeds her babies with milk from her body, I'm a mom that feeds my baby with milk from my body. I just don't see it as a big deal... but that's just me. I got pretty good at breastfeeding in public using the sling. I could walk around, talk with folks, they thought DD was sleeping the whole time. Heheheh...  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Slings July 13, 2004 7:41 PM

I'll start a new thread.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Public Breastfeeding July 20, 2004 10:33 PM

I have heard a lot of people received greif from breastfeeding publically, I guess I was lucky, I never received anything but good comments from folks. An older gentleman even brought his wife over to see what a "good mama" I was when I was feeding my daughter in a store. In response to Mike~ I don't really like driving by a construction site and seeing mens hairy, backs and chests either, but you don't hear anyone complaining about THEM exposing THEIR breasts in public. At least my boobs serve a purpose! If we ban public breast feeding, I say we make men put on a shirt at the beach, while mowing and especially while working on a roof...ugh! Also Mike, what proponents of AP do you subscribe to? That sounds rude when I type it, but I am really just curious....can't think of a way to make it look "nicer" in writing, so please don't take it wrong. I just wondered as I've read your posts in BAM and was surprised to see you here...you didn't seem like an AP guy..but then again, I could surely be wrong.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Breastfeedin July 21, 2004 1:02 PM

The only way we are to re~claim our breasts is by breastfeeding in public! Men and society have stolen them and have made breasts about sex and lust. THEY ARE NOT! They are there to nuture and sustain life, when ever it needs to be done. What a wonderful thing for young children to see, what breasts are for, not what TV, movies, and magazines make them. If anyone is uncomfortable with seeing a woman breastfeed in public then you need to look at your own feelings towards breasts and a woman's body. Animals are not ashamed at feeding their young and neither should we!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 21, 2004 3:49 PM

I apologize to everyone for not catching Mike W.'s posts until now. His posts have been deleted and he has been banned from the group.  [ send green star]
 
 July 21, 2004 3:56 PM

Saffire, I have to disagree with you about being discreet. As Mike pointed out, I am not discreet when I breastfeed in public. I think it does breastfeeding advocacy a disservice to say that it should be hidden, because it sends a message that there is something shameful or improper about it. Let me just add that I completely agree with everything Kymberli M. just said.  [ send green star]
 
I think it depends on the person July 21, 2004 7:46 PM

some women are uncomfortable NOT being discreet. I think it is a personal choice. I however, would not advocate going into the bathroom to breastfeed, as I have heard some people do...I wouldn't eat my dinner there, and wouldn't expect my child to either!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 22, 2004 10:06 PM

I've always tried to understand others feelings about breastfeeding. My in-laws are uncomfortable, so I go into a back room. At the mall there is a "family room" with a chair, toliets, and the such. And when there is no where else I just go out to the car. I think I scared some old women at a gas station once as they walked past the car. LOL Mostly, I don't want to start problems. I am proud to say, though, that today I breast feed in the middle of a crowded waiting room at a hospital. It was a spine/bone/joint hospital full of older people while I was waiting on my MIL. The bathroom was horrible and she had the car keys. I think I embarrassed a few people, but it was better than a screaming baby. Of course he had to counter me by not wanting to eat as much as he wanted to people watch! LOL  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 23, 2004 5:11 AM

Summer, I think the only problem I have with that approach (going elsewhere) is that our society is already so set on convincing new mamas that formula is the way to go--breastfeeding in public may be the only time some girls/women see it as an option. I don't let my kiddo to do the whole shirt-up-over-my-head-both-nipples-exposed thing when we are at the mall, don't get me wrong. But I am totally comfortable breastfeeding anyplace where a mama would be comfortable bottlefeeding. More girls and women *need* to see successfull breastfeeding. And we can't afford to run ads/commercials like all the formula companies can....  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
One thing I will not do... July 23, 2004 8:15 AM

...breastfeed in a public bathroom. Not until whomever suggests that eats THEIR meal there... *blech* Just the thought skeeves me out big time... *shudder* Actually a really nice and comfy place to breastfeed in a mall is the furniture dept of any of the department stores that carry furniture. They have couches and chairs that are more cozy than the ones we have at home! LOL... For me discretion is more about the comfort of my child and myself. I don't want to be hanging all over the place.. just want to feed my child. I've fed her while slinging her while shopping, at gatherings, with family and friends. My one friend's neighbor calls me "the breastfeeding one"... For some folks it's a big deal... I personally find discretion (not covering her up with a blanket but not taking my shirt off either) to work well for us. The goal is to feed her and show whomever may be passing by that it's not a big deal... unless they make it one and then they get an earful. LOL..  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
I've Been Lucky July 23, 2004 9:01 AM

I Was Lucky Growing Up And My Mother And Her Sisters All Breastfed Their Children. Our Family Spent A Lot Of Time Together, They Didn't Always Breatfeed In "Public" But It Was Always Ok At Family Gatherings. It Wasn't Until I Moved Away That I Realized Not All Families Are Like This! We Have So Many Women In Our Family We Dominate And The Men Are Now Used To Seeing Breastfeeding Mothers And Think It's Great! We Are Feeding Their Children, Neices, Nephews, Grandchildren Etc. I Had A Wonderful Example Of What Is Best For Babies! My Cousin (Who Is An Amazing Mother) Has Three Children And Has Breastfed Them All! And She Will Breastfeed Whenever The Baby Is Hungry, It's Wonderful To See And Be Apart Of!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Ugh...Breatfeeding in the bathroom... July 23, 2004 10:16 PM

I remember having to do that. For me I didn't have much of an option at the time(I was really large up there,if you know what I mean)there was no way for me to be discreet. Hopefully if i'm ever blessed with anymore kiddos I'll be a bit smaller(I used to weigh 370 lbs.) I totally agree with breastfeeding in public...and if you don't like it...don't look. Just my 2 cents. -B  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Kymberli M.. August 15, 2004 4:58 PM

OMG! You posted exactly what I have always thought! Breasts are portrayed as sex & lust.... I fed my children whenever they wanted & where ever I was. In public, I would get mixed reactions. One lady told me once that I shouldn't do it at the bus stop. My son was only 4 weeks old. I replied, "Excuse me but my baby is hungry, I've been shopping all day, I'm tired & I don't want to miss my bus. If you don't like it, don't look!" When I see a mother feeding her child I can't help but smile. Because it is so nice to see the breast being used for what it was designed for. Cheers, Deanna  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
playing instead of eating August 15, 2004 9:58 PM

I have tried to feed my son in public, but he gets very distracted. Even at home I have to turn off the T.V or radio to feed him or he's trying to find who is talking. I guess he's just a people person. His doctor says thats normal at his age. So its the bathroom for me. Or else I have a very hungry, cranky baby on my hands. He has been so hungry that he's screaming and spitting, but he'll still stop and turn towards anyone that walks by. Which usually results in a stream of milk hitting him in the cheek if I can't catch it soon enough. LOL As he gets older he should be able to hold his attentin longer to the matter at hand, but for now I'd rather not distract him too much. We'll work our way up to it.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 16, 2004 7:26 AM

I remember going through that (trying to keep the baby's attention on nursing) Now we are on to trying to convince him that he doesn't need my shirt up around my neck and he doesn't need BOTH breasts exposed at the same time. Luckily, he is also to the point where he really doesn't nurse all that much when we are doing stuff (like at the mall or the food store)  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Kudos to Kymberli August 19, 2004 6:36 PM

Yup... i have to applaud you too, for saying what i had intended to say after the first couple of posts... then i saw yours. It's as if you took the words right outta my own head... It fascinates and infuriates me how many people--MEN, especially--take issue with semi-public breastfeeding... Yet my gods, i cannot leave my home, turn on the tv, pick up a magazine, drive down the street, or stand in a grocery check-out line without seeing at least 192 pairs of semi-nude breasts every day! This doesn't seem to upset anyone, in fact no one notices except those members of the population who gawk at them for awhile to memorise for the purposes of fueling their masturbatory fantasies later. But feed a child, and you'd think you had committed an unforgivably lewd act. I think those men take issue most BECAUSE it is *not* lewd--ie, we are violating their carefully-protected image of breasts having been created for their own heterosexual male amusement and reminding them that this is in fact a nurturing, *MOTHERing* thing. They should be flashed at beer-swilling young men at a wet-tshirt bar or in a Girls Gone Wild video fer godssakes, NOT have a child attached to them. Ewwwww... ~_^  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
and when i say drive down the street... August 19, 2004 6:45 PM

...the breasts i refer to happen to be spread out across billboards 15 feet high. Why is it no one notices or cares about a 5-foot wide half-naked boob in a bikini, but a 4'11" woman in a baggy tshirt quietly, discretely nursing her child somehow attracts so much outraged attention?  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
homebirth August 20, 2004 12:52 PM

dear fellow-moms and people i find it so funny when i read about the issue of giving birth to your baby at home,for in the USa it seems to be an issue sometimes.i live in the netherlands here it is very common and normal to choose to birth your babies at home,so for all of you in the USa i feel for you,and so good your sticking to your own ideas!! happy home-childdeliveries!!! by the way i have birthed my oldest son at home ,my daughter who is 2 now,and i am about to give birth to my new son,also at home,i am grateful i have had the opportunity to choose this option ,i find it super to have your baby birth at home in your own atmosphere. love to you all,Macooa  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 21, 2004 1:24 PM

I think, in America, the whole process of pregnancy and birthing has become a very medicalized one. I've heard in other countries, midwives are the norm for all pregnant ladies and the OB's are called in for special cases. In America an OB is consulted even for low risk cases and most babies are birthed in hospitals. That's what I've heard from other moms from other countries anyway. I loved my midwife though.. with my first born, I tried going to an OB.. he did NOT impress me and I found a midwife that thankfully took my insurance. That's the thing though... most insurances won't cover midwives or homebirths... so many women are stuck with no choice or very little choice in the matter. I would have paid cash though... my midwife charges FAR FAR less than the OBs and hospitals do, that's for sure.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
clap clap clap August 21, 2004 8:10 PM

Hi all I had a family bed and also breast fed untill my girls were 3 and the youngest was over 4. I want to report that at 19 and 15 they have grown up to be well adjusted very intelligent girls... I did the breast feeding in public thing also I wore very large t-shirts and the girls tucked their head under and nursed when they needed to.. cherish these days and be thankful and happy for every one of your nursing days as all to soon they pass... Cheers and I am so happy to know that we are taking back our bodies, sad to read that this should be an accepted fact of life... Renee  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 24, 2004 12:42 PM

Deleted your duplicate post, Macooa. : )  [ send green star]
 
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