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my story February 13, 2005 5:24 AM

i've had so much abuse in my life i know i will fill this board.sometimes i watch the morey show.when they have people in abusive realtionships and i say to the tv.i wish i was the speaker i'd show them and tell them every thing i've had to go threw with.just so they would know to get out of it.If a man or woman says they love you than they don't abuse you.i guess i can start with my most recent abuse.my husband.or soon to be ex.on december 31st 2004 he ended up burning down are apartment with everything in it.i guess that's not abuse cause he supposeitly feel asleep with a lite cigeratte.But he would all the time make me feel so stupid.I am a Physical therapist and he would come home from work hurting.and i'd offer him a massage.and all the time he would say that's what ya don't do to hurting people.and act as if he knew everything.On holidays i would get him gifts.He would throw them in the trash.or i would buy his family something.he would hide it in his car.when i would find them in his car.and ask him what they were doing there.he would yell and throw them at me.and say you know i hate holidays.the worst part about are Marriage.Was my Husband is a Game Addict.And he would use all are money on Games.And if anytime while he was playing games.if i talked he would get very mad and throw what ever was around at me.like the Tv controlller i was in the kitchen and asked if he wanted a soda.he Threw it at me and Shattered it at me.and when he can't find the game he wants he will go threw everything in the house and just start throwing it everywhere. and if it got in his way he would Rip it up or break it.we went threw 6 keyboards in a month.cause he would rip the keys off of it if got stuck or i would talk.I even sometimes would answer the phone he would get mad at me.The worst is when i want to go out with my mother.he would tell my own mother.not to call and i wouldn't see her again.he wouldn't let me have friends.only he is allowed to.i have to stay in are apartment all day.and clean.i can't be seen.if i am out with him i have to look at the floor.and not make eye contact with anyone.he had so many rules it's bullshit.and he never said it was abuse.He even said if i ever told anyone he'd kill me.i'm out of that realtionship right now.when he burned down are place it was enough. After my previous realtionship it took me 6 years to love again.and what did i do.i went from one abusive realtionship where i almost died to one that probly will kill me.i guess my heart maybe longs to be hurt.cause i have my whole life.I have sexually assulted 3 different times in my life and been in abusive realtionships 2 times.and even had a mother who didn't care if i live or die.sometimes i just cry at what my life would have been like.now i live in terror.that if i love yet again.i will be hurt.years of abuse have taken there toll on me.i can't tell you how many times.certain things happen and i'm scared of them.cause i was either hurt by the item.or had to keep my mouth shut about it. i guess i will close on this one.when i feel like talking more about what happened in my previous relationship i will put it here.cause i know it would take.this whole board up.thanks for listening while i vent some.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Wow! February 26, 2005 9:27 AM

I feel for you, you have really been through the wars, not surprisingly and completely understanably you must feel you are carrying a great weight around and have so much to offload. Are there any counselling services near you for abuse issues? I personally found this off great use, once a week I could offload a bit more, get some positive feedback, and once I got used to the idea that I had the right to anger, sadness, feelings of betrayal etc the load became lighter and I was able to use the freed up energy to start making some positive changes of my own. You may not feel this right now but you are strong, you have survived all this and you are still hanging on in there, take pride in that. You matter! Perhaps some counselling alongside an assertiveness course could help? These are only suggestions, you need to take back the power you feel has been taken from you. Again, I am saying that you are strong, you are a survivor, please try not to let these awful experiences cloud the rest of your life. It's a long journey, I am still on mine, but each day gets better, award yourself the right to this, reward yourself for hanging on in there, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, spoil yourself, make yourself important in your life, You deserve it!!! WWishing you happiness and peace inside yourself, Sioux x  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 March 01, 2005 9:58 AM

(((Hugs))) to you Anne.We understand and we care hon.Your husband is very insecure and a selfish person,but I know I dont have to tell you that! Hang in there hon,and start doing things for YOU,believe me it will make you feel better about yourself,and give you the courage to change your life,and end abusive relationships. Light&Hope,Rhia  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 March 09, 2005 5:32 PM

time to vent again. lately i've been thinkingalot about things and like how i lost my Big V.To my boyfriend at the time's friend.i was in a abusive realtionship when i was 15.stayed with him till i was 18 which was a mistake.i remember getting drunk..and my boyfriend tieing me down to something.and than injecting me with drugs.i ended up getting addicted to heroine cause of that.i'm clean now.got clean when i left him..i passed in and outof concessness as my boyfriends's friend had sex with me for the first time.Sure enough my first time got me pregnant.this is the part.if you are in a realtionship you need to get out of. When i was 6 months along..by this time my boyfriend accepted i was pregannt.My boyfriend and i got in a fight.cause i didn't do some housework right.and went storming out and jumped into his car.this is my mistake i went out after him out side.he got in his car.i yelled to bring back something.And he started up his car..began to back out..i thought he was leaving so i turned away to go back in side.he put his car in forwards.and drove toward me.he ended up running me over.and wrecking are house.cause it had the car planted in it cause he drove almost threw it when he stopped.i ended up losing the baby and almost my life.and still stayed with him for another year..and to this day i hate my self so much for allowing that man.to kill my baby.i think about it all the time.seems lately everytime i get pregnant..the men are so happy than they turn out to not want the baby..and do something so i can lose it. this was way before i met my hubby by the way.i just needed to vent alittle.i'm alittle sad. .  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
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