Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he plays for Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say"

 [ accepted]

This is a chain letter. Do not break the chain or the National
Hockey League will send Bob Probert to your house and break your
face...

  Hello. My name is Gary Bettman and I am commissioner of a
struggling hockey empire based in the village of New York in a
remote nation called the United States of America (and, for now,
in some parts of a border country called Canada, although we are
trying to fix that).  Survival is not easy in my empire. Often
it gets very cold outside, forcing its officers to flee to warmer
places like Hawaii or Southern Florida to hold their winter
survival meetings. Soon, they will run out of such places in
their own country and be forced to migrate to foreign places like
the Costa del Sol.
  Our plight grows more desperate by the day.
  Just this week, for instance, during a caviar break following
my report that our empire's revenues have trebled in the '90s
to about $14 billion because of expansion fees and several other
forms of highway robbery that do not actually involve the use
of a gun, it was noted that the governments of our teams in the
Canadian colonies are still refusing to grant their team tax
privileges and other pork barrel sustenance not available to the
common folk.
  Frankly, we are half way to our wits' end trying to convince
them to open their hearts and wallets so that our empire can
continue to grow and prosper without forcing us to open our own.
  How can we make them understand our plight? Why can they not
understand that while revenues do range from $60-70 million US
for the wealthier outposts, the poorer are getting by on
$30-40 million?
  Desperate, we turn to you for help.
  Please send this letter to five of your friends and ask each
of them to send us $10 (US funds, no coins or stamps), then send
copies to five of THEIR friends with instructions to do the same
thing.
  Or, if you really want to help, place a chess board on your
web page and invite them to play a game. First person puts a
drawing of a $1 bill on the first square, then sends the actual
money to us. Then each person in turn doubles the number of
dollars in the previous square.
  Won't that be fun?
  We beg you not to turn your back on our people -- not because
it will hurt us, but because dreadful things could happen to you.
  Only a few years ago, someone broke one of our earlier chains
in Winnipeg, which we understand is in Canada. Within months,
their outpost was blown clear to Arizona, leaving their people
huddled against an October blizzard on the corner of Portage and
Main uttering piteous cries -- "TEEE-MU! TEE-MU!" -- and lamenting
the way they'd ignored the warnings from another Canadian place
called Ke-Bec. Or something.
  That legend is retold each year as our people gather round
the liqueur table at our annual gatherings: the way Quebec people
watched one team disappear into Colorado, and for their sins have
seen their other team of Flying Frenchmen populated by foreigners
and doomed to Finnish in the cellar.
  Do not let this happen to you. Do not break the chain. Pick
five of your richest friends and add links to our survival fund,
named after one of our patron saints. Send all contributions to
Fund Our Scam To Expand Revenue (FOSTER), NHL, New York. No
receipts will be issued so that we can save pennies otherwise
wasted on stamps.
  Hurry. We're running out of pate.

 [ accepted]

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

 [ accepted]

Rod Bryden and Pat Quinn die on the same day and go to heaven. The angels at the door pull Quinn aside and tell him "In light of your awesome achievements for the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey organization and the sport of hockey in general, you shall receive your own house - trust me, that's a privilege not granted to a lot of people here".

Quinn is introduced to his new house - a nice bungalow with a Maple Leafs doormat, the entire house painted in blue and white, and a little Maple Leaf flag in the lawn.

"Nice," Quinn says and turns around - and almost gets a heart attack, as he says a HUGE palace, made of white marble, studded with rubies and black pearls, the Ottawa Senators colours, and over and over inlaid with gold and silver Senators logos, posters of Senators players, and from the huge speakers blare Ottawa Senators fight songs.

Enraged, Quinn starts yelling to God: "Why does Bryden get such a big palace and I only get such a small house? I've done so much more for the sport of hockey!"

And God looks Quinn deeply into the eyes and replies: "This is not Bryden's house. It is mine."

Hahaha!!! You GO God!!!!

 [ accepted]

Q: What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine?

A: The vending machine has Players!!

 [ accepted]

Four Canadian die hard hockey fans were standing at the top of a cliff - A Sens fan, an Oilers fan, a Flames fan, and a Leafs fan.  The Oilers fan yelled "This is for the Oilers!" and jumped off the cliff.  The Flames fan yelled "This is for the Flames!" and jumped off the cliff.  The Sens fan yelled "This is for all of humanity!!" and pushed the Leafs fan off the cliff.

 [ accepted]

I love all of them Thanks for all of your contributions! Always,

Ashley

 [ send green star]

Hockey Fans

An Edmonton Oilers fan, a St. Louis Blues fan, a Detroit Red Wings
fan, and a Colorado Avalanche fan climbed to the top of Mount Everest.
They looked over the edge in wonder. Then the Oilers fan shouts, "This
is for the Oilers!" and jumps off the cliff.
Well, the St. Louis fan, not wanting to be outdone, shouts, "This is for
the Blues!" and jumps to his death.
Seeing the trend, the Avalanche fan looks around for a moment. Then he
walks behind the Red Wings fan, gives him a big shove off the mountain
and yells, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]