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Funny September 14, 2005 9:03 PM


Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says "I am going to sit by this tree".

Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word".

So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking some where else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they hear the other guy scream! They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.

Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened."

The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, "Do we eat here or take them to go?"

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 September 16, 2005 7:39 PM

LOL  [ send green star]
The Hunting Dog September 17, 2005 10:10 AM

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ***king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
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Good one Amanda September 17, 2005 5:08 PM

That was a cute joke!  [ send green star]
 September 17, 2005 10:34 PM

thanks, glad you liked it. i love jokes!!  [ send green star]
 September 22, 2005 10:20 PM

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is myseeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher? Man replies "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Hunting joke September 23, 2005 6:38 AM

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

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 September 23, 2005 12:24 PM

LOL! TOO Funny Phoenix.  [ send green star]
Deer hunting September 24, 2005 6:44 AM

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos,Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can
have your f#@ken deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

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 September 24, 2005 10:01 AM

Good Joke!  [ send green star]
 September 25, 2005 9:05 PM

lmao! I love those jokes! great job!  [ send green star]
Thought this was a cute joke September 28, 2005 5:15 AM

I guess I thought this was so funny because of the charmin camercial with the bear. carmin

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied: "Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not."
So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

       So now we Know what the bear used before he found Charmin just laying around the woods.  

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 September 28, 2005 4:19 PM

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."  [ send green star]
Dachshund attempts a prison break! September 28, 2005 4:22 PM

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 September 28, 2005 4:34 PM

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said "Mmm, I smell sausage." The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said "The only thing I can smell is molasses."  [ send green star]
 September 28, 2005 4:38 PM

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."  [ send green star]
Love Those Jokes! September 29, 2005 8:56 AM

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Isn't it the truth October 01, 2005 10:45 AM

Not Kids Anymore, when . . .
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Happy hour is a nap.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

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 October 09, 2005 6:15 AM

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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 October 09, 2005 6:16 AM

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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 October 09, 2005 6:27 AM

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk

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 October 09, 2005 1:23 PM

Very funny!!!   [ send green star]
 October 09, 2005 8:11 PM

Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
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 October 14, 2005 5:35 AM

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

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 October 14, 2005 5:37 AM

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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 October 14, 2005 5:44 AM

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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 October 14, 2005 8:08 PM

Great Jokes  [ send green star]
Fast Food October 19, 2005 11:43 PM

f  [ send green star]
these jokes are HYSTERICAL October 22, 2005 9:37 AM

I loved these jokes so much that i copied most of them and sent them out.  Thank you so much for making me laugh.  Bring on some more jokes please!!!  [ send green star]
OMG!! LOOK AT THESE DOGS!! =) November 17, 2005 1:04 PM

I don't really agree that they're owners are idiots but these pics are just to funny/cute to pass up. lol


My Owner is an Idiot











Thanks to my friend Susan Short for sending along these pics!


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Funny December 01, 2005 12:19 AM

The jokes and pictures had me in stitches for ages. Great job.  [ send green star]
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