I hope the edited wording made this one ok.... 
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co -workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Numbe r 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Num ber 8
TRY SAYING: That's int eresting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, or boss or anyone else via any means--DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest liquor store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Avoid yellow snow.
Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
WHITE HAIR
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "The Rules" from the female point of view...
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You'r e a big girl. If it's up, put
it
down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you
leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You've found yourself discussing the weather.
You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-"for the last time in a generation"
Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
A two-year-old cousin scared a mother one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when they found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply, "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: "Okay, Disneyland."
Zen for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 Percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 Percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
37. Just remember, if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Yummy Peanuts
A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
>WORDS WOMEN USE
>
>FINE
>This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
>need to shut up.
>
>FIVE MINUTES
>If she is getting dressed this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
>minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
>helping around the house.
>
>
>
>NOTHING
>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be
>on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usu ally end in "Fine".
>
>GO AHEAD
>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
>
>LOUD SIGH
>This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often
>misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
>wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
>"Nothing".
>
>THAT'S OKAY
>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
>man.
>"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
>how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
>THANKS
>A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
>welcome.
>
>WHATEVER
>It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
>
>"What did you say?"
>No, she's not hard of hearing. She's just giving you a chance to recant the
>stupid thing that just came out of your mouth and to either escalate the
>conflict by saying it louder (remember, you'll lose) or to come up with a
>clever substitute that sounds pretty close to it (like instead of saying,
>"That's why I hate you," you would say, "That's why I dated you"). WARNING:
>If you try to use "Nothing" as a response, she won't accept it.
Why is a barn so noisy?
All the cows have horns.
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at
the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group
This post was modified from its original form on 31 Aug, 3:05
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte , North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.
Scroll down for photograph.
The Kiss
And people say animals are dumb
A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
How do bees get to school?
By school buzz!
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own but they like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
Grandparents are so old they shouldn't play hard or run but it is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
Grandparents take us for walks and they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillers.
Grandparents show us things and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on the sidewalk "cracks."
Grandparents don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
Grandparents wear glasses and they can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents always have time to answer our questions and they always know all the right answers to everything because they have lived a long time.
When grandparents read to us, they don't skip and they don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Grandparents know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
Everybody should try to have grandparents, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still,a few fireflies followed in.
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights
