Joke : A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here.
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
a smile can work wonder, not necessarily a tablet..
Smiles galore from here to every one who cares...
Have a great day every one ...
THINGS CATS SHOULD REMEMBER
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
If I'm trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me (and I'm all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I shouldn't let my tail hang down.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself,
`fifty-five at least.'"
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
Monday, January 21 12:00 AM ET
RIAA Plan for RFID Chips in CDs Will Prevent Unauthorized Sharing
By Brian Briggs and Scott Small
Los Angeles, CA - The RIAA is considering adding RFID tags to CDs to ensure that the CD is always with the buyer. With the tracking device, the RIAA and its member labels can make sure the CD buyer hasn't loaned a CD to a friend, or is playing it in an unregistered device.
"Since we can't stop sharing in the virtual world, we might as well take a crack at stopping it in the real world," said Mitch Bainwol, Chairman and CEO of the RIAA.
"Before you can play the CD, you must log on to their website and register all addresses where you plan to use the CD. The CD buyer can enter up to three addresses and three registered listeners. Those locations and people will then be added to our RFID/GPS database for tracking purposes," said Bainwol.
The plan would also require all new CD players to have GPS and RFID hardware installed to help stop piracy. Future plans would include a matching RFID chip implanted into the neck of the buyer.
Brandon Carter of Savannah, Georgia, who is one of the three people left in the US who still buys CDs, was upset by the plan. "I don't trust the RIAA with that information. If they get hacked, I don't want everyone to know I take my Shakira CD into the bathroom with me."
The increased cost of adding the tracking technology should be minimal. It should, at most, only add another 5 or 6 dollars to the current price of CDs.
Related news links
> It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
> It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
> reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
> He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
> distances, to
> support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's
> his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a
> As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
> special gift just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
> including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift
> everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
> Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
> the best man.
> The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
> private detective to tail them.
> After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
> couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
> Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
> Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here"
> He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
> While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
> out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
> were wrong.
> His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
> wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
> reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
> the size of church bells.
> Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
> Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
> Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
> Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
> The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of then bride
> humping the best man: Priceless.
> There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
> "Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of
> Jalapenos--what you do today... might burn your ass tomorrow......"
This is how it manifests:
*I decide to water my garden.
*As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
*As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
* I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
*I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
* So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
* But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
*I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
* My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
* I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
* The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
* As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
* I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
* I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
* I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
* I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
* I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
* So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
* Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
* The car isn't washed
* The bills aren't paid
* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* The flowers don't have enough water
* There is still only 1 check in my check book
* I can't find the remote
* I can't find my glasses
* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".
Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
- A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, "SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!" The ladies yelled back: "I want the SOUP!", "Soup, Please." "Oh, I'd love some soup!"
- Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.
- New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.
- Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "greated old guys" (sic).
- Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.
- The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.
- Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
- A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?"
- Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".
- Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
- A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
- ...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.
- Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.
- How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
- Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.
- The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
- If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!
- A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
- We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.
- Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
- Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."
- Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.
- Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.
- New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.
- For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!
- The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
- It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.
- A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.
- Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days.
- Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.
- We loved Newsweek's comments on the trade name Microsoft® , to wit:
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mamma." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."