The Good News is that EVERYONE can laugh! You don't need to be happy, You dont need to feel good first; you don't even need a sense of humor. Any time is a good time to have a laugh.
[ send green star]
Laugh your way to a good heart! March 08, 2007 6:11 PM
LAUGH YOUR WAY TO ARTERIAL HEALTH...
Using funny movies to gauge the effect of emotions on cardiovascular health, researchers have found laughter can promote blood vessel health. The scientists at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore note laughter appears to cause the tissue that forms the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate or expand to increase blood flow. When the same group of volunteers was shown a movie that produced mental stress, their blood vessel lining developed a potentially unhealthy response called vasoconstriction, reducing blood flow. That finding confirms previous studies, which sug- gested a link between mental stress and the narrowing of blood vessels.
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Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.
But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.
WORLD CUP FOOTBALL IS ON JUNE 9TH June 03, 2006 2:06 PM
Attn Guys : Please share it your wives and girlfriends Attn Ladies : For Your Information only
A special request to all women...
Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend, Aunt, Niece, Mother, Grandmothers, Maid, n all other possible forms of Women......
From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.
It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are
more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at
Sunday services will givecasino
chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a
method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to
a nearby Franciscan Monasteryfor
sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
There goes the theory that GrandMaMas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "GrandMaMa, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "GrandMaMa, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called a Bunk Bed."
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.").
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards....Finally, reread tips, start over.. January is just around the corner.
blondes are also smart.... December 11, 2005 1:45 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the Loans Officer. -She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The Bank Officer says the Bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. -The car is parked on the street in front of the Bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The Bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Bank's President and its Officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. -An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the Bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. -The Loans Office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" -The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
THANKS ANGEL - I LIKE IT!! November 29, 2005 10:37 PM
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in
Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced
All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings:
"When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up,
Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm' is the reply.
'I'm sorry, what did you say?'
'mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm' the successful fisherman repeats.
'I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you.'
The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly, 'You've got to keep your worms warm.'
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
maintenance solutions recorded (marked with an M) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs, and for all of us who recognize that a degree does not confer common sense, or the ability to communicate effectively.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for hours Step 14: Test the lurkey for numbness Step 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey Step 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Step 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
* Home is where you hang your @. * The
e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. * A journey of a
thousand sites begins with a single click. * You can't teach a new mouse old
clicks. * Great groups from little icons grow. * Speak softly and carry
a cellular phone. * C: is the root of all directories. * Don't put all
your hypes in one home page. * Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. *
The modem is the message. * Too many clicks spoil the browse. * The geek
shall inherit the web. * A chat has nine lives. * Don't byte off more
than you can view. * Fax is stranger than fiction. * What boots up must
come down. * Windows will never cease. * Virtual reality is its own
reward. * Modulation in all things. * A user and his leisure time are
soon parted. * There's no place like home.com. * Know what to expect
before you connect. * Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we