Bored? Wan'na enjoy your day a little bit more?
It's good to laugh, so how about posting a funny joke, cartoon or article that might make our friends chuckle. As you know, "Laughter is the best medicine"!!
Here's the link to #4 thread for those who haven't caught up, yet.
This is what happens when men get in the kitchen. lol
I never cease to be amazed by the incredible stupidity and outright lies of the US politicians. Listen to the latest crap one spouts. Of course it is all about him being able to make more money, but I wonder how many of his constituents actually believe his lies.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Wife replies: Kowaniri!
Husband says:Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
Did you UNDERSTAND ANY of THAT?I DIDN'T!!!!!!! And I WROTE IT!!!!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this.
As if you understand my FAKE Japanese!
I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex!
You need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lynn can't sop laughing, brilliant jokes.
these are all great thanks - Lynn, Sue adn Wendy and thanks for the new thread - had to share a few in other groups!
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her, so I don't charge her anything!."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are Cajones, bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order."
The waiter replied, " I am sorry, senor. There is only one Cajones serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents on his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These Cajones are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The water shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins!!"
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
"soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now
some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and
in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
Only two left."
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
Lynn, love your jokes. Thank you.
This is too funny, not a joke as such, still laugh out loud funny
Lynn - wonderful as always.
Sue - that's a crack up - I kept waiting for him to fall through or something.
This is hilarious!
While this test is not funny, you may end up laughing at yourself when you guess wrong. I only got 3 right out of the 5 questions. The test is called 2 truths and a lie. How did you score?
I only got 2 out of 5 right.
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142".
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
No sticker for me, Sue. I only got 3 out of the 5 answers right. Thanks for the lesson in greed. lol
Lynn, great jokes.
I only got 2 correct also - but almost 3
Lynn - those are too funny thanks -
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
A Visit From the Mother in Law.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick
to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold
coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured
a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the
kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied
and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of this story is; Pay your bills.
Ha, ha, the naughty jokes are always the best! Thanks for all the smiles and belly laughs ladies.
Great jokes Lynn, love them!
Those are great - hubby thought so too - thank you everyone! Those grey boxes are amazing!
a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and
traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big
smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues
to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that
Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,
and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Sandi, what happened to your post? It just shows the email remitter's name and the name of the joke. Check it out, love.
Sandi, that's funny. Hey, I'm a retiree and I live in Florida. I think I'll go to that bar and wait for Happy Hour! lol
Lynn, Don't forget to take your coupon? LOL
Don't worry, Sandi. It's always in my purse in case I need it in a hurry!! LOL
Wendy, great jokes and pictures.
Lily, like the wine joke.
Lynn, live the joke and the video.
Sandi, what a great joke.
Sharknado: 'Killer shark comes alive' at seafood shop terrifying unsuspecting customers http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/sharknado-killer-shark-comes-alive-3941044#.U9olHnbbCrk.twitter … > very funny !!!!
great jokes everyone.
Wendy that was really funny, think it would give me a heart attack though. Sandi, love that photo and caption. Thanks for my morning laughs. Just watched Sharknado 1 online for free a couple of weeks ago, it is a really silly movie but lots of laughs. Here is the link for Canadians to watch Sharknado 2 for free. Unfortunately you have to allow ads to be able to watch anything on the site.
All your posts are hilarious, thanks for the laughs and smiles. Just before I moved to Canada in 1978 I lived very near Abbey/Tabby Road and had to walk across that crossing many times.
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love this Thread.
Thanks for the laughs Girls.
These are all too much gals - will stick with the chocolate!
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read...
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
I forgot the words.
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends.
Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..
why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Val, I did. Cute picture.
Lynn, thanks for all the laughs.
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula to help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing gets you.
14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you 100%, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top
Short MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM
When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:
"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
The rest are in Parliament.
Lily, love it!
Sue, great jokes which happen to be true.
Sandi, hope my computer doesn't break down!
Following Instructions (Adult)
Too young to die
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.
Ahhhhh, Sue.... and such may be the life of a cowboy's wife (although maybe she doesn't mind if he looks like that!) HEE HEE HEE HEE
I don't often make it to this thread as I get circulating on the others and trying to keep up, which I never can do, which is always a good sign for a group!
That cat who has to pee is so cute!! Thanks Sandi.
And Lynn.... that password fiasco... can't tell you how many times I've gone through that! Thanks for that laugh!
Keep it up, ladies. LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.
A Serious Medical Condition (Adult)
I got some more great laughs here tonight. The Translater looks like a friend I have. That was so funny. Thanks ladies. ALL are so good.
had to laugh at this sign, I would have added,"feeling Lucky? Punk, well are you?
This is absolutely hilarious. I'm still laughing. Warning: Adult humor
Good ones, ladies... but the winner this round is Mrs. Brown's Boys! I mentioned on one of the threads a couple weeks ago that I miss the British comedies so much, but I had found Mrs. Brown's Boys on Monday nights! It is our ritual now to watch the weekly two episodes. Sooooo funny. Thanks, Lynn. I didn't know you could see these on YouTube!
The has probably been posted before but it's the first time I've seen it.
The Simplest Explanation
Mrs. Brown's Boys was so funny, laughed till I cried. Love the Viagra silly too, and poor Pete.... This is not a joke, but it feels like it the last few days. Low of 11C last night. High of 15C yesterday with strong winds here felt like 0C. Here is a very short report, the twitter posts following are hilarious. Wish I could turn the heat on. Hate to be shivering and covered in goosebumps in the middle of August.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing , I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Sue, that joke was hilarious. I'm still laughing!
Love your two posts, Wendy. Those corgis are so adorable. I want to cuddle each and every one of them. I love their backsides when they waddle away. lol The helpful little kitty is so cute. Thanks to both of you.
This little boy is crushed when his daddy takes his ear and then his nose.
21 Things Only Activists Will Understand This is what it feels like when you’re working to save the world.
1. When you meet someone who gets just as worked up about an issue as you
2. When people think they know all about an issue because they saw a Leonardo DiCaprio movie
3. When a friend suggests you go to McDonald’s or Walmart
4. When you are about to go street campaigning
5. How you feel after 30 minutes of street campaigning
6. How you feel after five hours of street campaigning
7. When your boss/father-in-law/date says something you really disagree with, but you don’t want to argue
8. When people assume you are vegan or a nondrinker
9. When a well-meaning person tries to give you money instead of signing your petition
10. When you get a standard reply to that detailed and well-researched email you sent
11. The moment you get a lobby meeting agreed to
12. Just before your lobby meeting
13. When your campaign target says he or she agrees with you
14. When someone famous retweets you
15. When people tell you to chill out about the thing you’re campaigning on
16. When that drunk person at a party is determined to argue with you all night
17. When your friend starts a sentence with “I know you won’t approve of this, but…”
18. When Leonardo DiCaprio finally makes a film about your issue
19. When your hashtag starts trending
20. When people tell you there’s no point—things will never change
21. When you win a campaign
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer ï¿½100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, ï¿½200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off indefinitely. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sandi, Lynn, Sue, Cheryl, Lily and Wendy, thank you for all of the jokes and videos - love them.
Watch this one full screen. Hilarious!
Thanks for all the smiles ladies.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kickup your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Reliable investigative sources in California say they have identified a plot where terrorists are planning to go on a rampage in the City of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 6.
Thanks for all the laughs ladies, this thread takes forever to load though.