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Texas Chili Cook-Off May 12, 2006 6:38 PM

Chili Cook-Off

Judge #3 was an inexperienced  Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Danville, IL.
Frank:  "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The  original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be  standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light  truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the
other two judges  (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they  told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and  became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the  event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A  little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth  tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell  is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two  beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are  crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 --  Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting  BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep  this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm  supposed to  taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the  Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my  face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN  CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great  kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3  -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been  snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I  ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part  of my chest. I'm getting %#&!*%-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 -  BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no  spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge  # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing  behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT...  just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 --  Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more  tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #  3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer  focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics.   The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me  brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on  it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.  It really  ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw  them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 --  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and  peppers.

  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,  and
garlic.   Superb

  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a  straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I  farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined  to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to  wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

  CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION  CHILI...

  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned  peppers.


  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in  a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing  uncontrollably.

  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull  the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the  world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,  which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided  to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen  anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my  stomach.

  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

  Judge  # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy  enough to declare its existence.

  Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a  good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was  lost when Judge #3 farted,
ppassed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down  on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how  he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No  Report


 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 11, 2006 8:18 PM

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 June 12, 2006 4:24 AM

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