Wishing everyone a wonderfull weekend......

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]

Yup!  Somewhere there's a billboard...

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Ever have one of those moments, where you want to be able to walk down the card aisle at the Hallmark, and find what you really would like to say?!

(if this gets pulled, I'll understand)

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

recently an airplane was going to crash and the pilot informed the passengers they had aprox twenty minutes.

a woman stands up and starts explaining she has never been with a man or been married and wants to know the experience before she dies. a tall muscluar man stands up and asks are you shure about that?

the woman saying yes, the man starts takeing off his shirt you are sure ya want to know whats its like to be married? the woman again yes. the man now standing there with shirt in hand says fine, tosses the shirt at her and says see if you can get this ironed and pressed be fore we hit the ground.

 [ accepted]

Due to inexcusable oversight, this button was missing from my keyboard...

Oh, and who could forget this important announcement from the AMA?

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Nicely done Paula!!!!!!

Got some more now don't cha........don't be shy now!   I can just tell there are some wicked good senses of humor  waiting to come out & play.

whatcha waitin for?????

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

gee that sounds familiar  

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

That's what I'm talkin about!!

too funny!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

a married couple are in their beds one night and the wife gets up walks across the room and swats the ole boy up side the head. what was that for he asked?

the wife says 30 years of bad loven

after a period of time the guy gets up walks to the wife and swats her, she sits up and says what was that for

he says knowing the differance

 [ accepted]

• The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and other fatty foods and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Chriss is the winner of our Coveted Weird Sense of Humor Award..

~We love you Chriss!!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

a samurai was walking down the road when a duck flew up and he shot it with his bow. the duck fell in a field, after picking up the duck the samurai started across a bridge when an old farmer stopped him asking him where you take my duck, duck fall in my field my duck . samurai says my shot  my duck after a while the old farmer says we settle conflict in the way of ansestors. take turn kicking each other in groin who ever shows less pain keeps duck  samurai agrees and tells the old farmer to go first. the old man kicks the samurai as hard as he can in the groin the samurai's face gets a little red but he shows no pain. after a bit he says your turn to the old man the old farmer looks at the samurai and says  you keepa duck

           OSU!

 [ accepted]

Just getting my morning exercise!

Come on kids you're a little slow today!!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

SMILING is infectious, You catch it like the flu!
When someone SMILED at me today, I started SMILING too

I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin,

When he SMILED, I realized I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile, then realized its worth,

A single SMILE just like mine could travel 'round the earth.

So if you feel a SMILE begin, don't leave it undetected.

(You never know when somebody just needs to be infected)

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

This is a picture of Mona Lisa before & after her visit to the US!

AAAGHHHH!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

"Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

~I've seen this going around, I thought it fit.~

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

  Sex On Mars  

Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says
Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his
ears.With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any
good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was
wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a
headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

Badabump!

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Getting rid of unwanted hair--

   One woman's story...

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now ... The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in peace. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever). No muss, no fuss.

How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.

After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind from the pain! ..... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

..Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout

Nooooooo!!

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -- up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut.

Ass? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to %#&!*% anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in. The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold w

So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally!

I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the Internet if you tell them the truth."

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

Your turn...

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

 What makes you laugh

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

LADIES -If you add too much salt when cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.

REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me.......The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]