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(closed) JOKES, COMICS OR FUNNY STORIES
Anonymous
4 years ago
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1funny.jpg picture by nan_75

Here is the thread of previous to check out:

JOKES, COMICS OR FUNNY STORIES

4 years ago
 
Subject: joke for the day

*An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
> In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
> 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
> asked the solicitor.
> 
> Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
> favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'
> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
> question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
> Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
> driving down the road....'
> The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
> police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
> he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
> simply answer the question.'
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
> to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
> cow, Bessie'.
> Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
> loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
> the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
> my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
> thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
> However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
> terrible pain just by her groans.
> Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
> hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
> her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
> eyes..
> Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
> and said, 'How are you feeling?'
> 'Now what the F*ck would you have said?*

4 years ago

Thanks for starting a new thread, Nance.   Those are both funny jokes, Lily and Nance!

4 years ago

 
 

 
 


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 


This post was modified from its original form on 21 Feb, 9:59
4 years ago

Lily! LOL   

****************************************************

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use... the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

No Comment!
4 years ago

Vicky will suggest?

.

4 years ago

I have 2 Anis:

1)   Hmmmmm....all of a sudden I have a craving for a 'rump' roast.

2)   Now I understand what ex President Bill Clinton went through.

4 years ago

 

shsh

4 years ago

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and  drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

4 years ago

 

DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.


DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man..

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time.. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARYAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.  Twice

4 years ago

 

 

 

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

4 years ago

 





 

Two Women In A Bar

 

 

 

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a

while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from  Ireland .   
 
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
 
The first one says, 'So am I! 

And where about in Ireland  are ya from?'  
 
The other woman answers, 'I'm from  Dublin , I am.'
  
The first one responds, 'So, am I!!  And what
street did you live on in Dublin ?'
 
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
part of town.'
  
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
 
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'
 
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
  
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
  
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord m us t be
smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
  
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.
 
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
  
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
   
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

4 years ago

 

CUTE CLEAN JOKE


 A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.


The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

4 years ago

 

> A retired man went into the Job Center
> in Downtown
> Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's
> Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk
> for details.
>
> The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The
> job entails getting the ladies ready for the
> gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
> underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their
> private regions, then apply shaving foam and
> gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing
> oils so they're ready for the
> gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is
> $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings,
> Montana."
>
> "Good grief; is that where the
> job is?"
>
> "No sir -- that's where the end of the line
> is right now."

4 years ago

 

The Dot l

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in   Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

4 years ago

 

 
Life's Rules...
These are good Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:  Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

4 years ago

 

 

THESE REALLY WORK!!  I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!
 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
 HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
 FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:


SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
 A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

now maybe you won't beleive everything you get in an email that says snopes says it is genuine, the real deal!

sick as some of the above may be you got admit they were funny!!!

Medicare Helpdesk
4 years ago

Medicare Helpdesk
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
.
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
.
"Speaking."
.
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
.
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
.
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
.
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
.
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

4 years ago

 

> > 
> Polish Divorce
> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although
> his English was far from perfect, they got along very well Until one
> day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could Arrange
> a divorce for him.
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
> Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
> L: Have you any grounds?
> P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
> L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> P: It made of concrete.
> L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
> P: No, we have car port, and not need one.
> L: I mean. What are your relations like?
> P: All my relations still in Poland.
> L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
> L: Does your wife beat you up?
> P: No, I always up before her.
> L: Is your wife a nagger?
> P: No, she white.
> L: Why do you want this divorce?
> P: She going to kill me.
> L: What makes you think that?
> P: I got proof.
> L: What kind of proof?
> P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
> Shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover"

4 years ago

 

Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?" The storeowner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered that it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame. The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy I want to buy." The storeowner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."

The storeowner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies." To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the storeowner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands."

4 years ago

 

A storeowner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies for Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough a little boy appeared under the storeowner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" the little boy asked. The storeowner replied, "anywhere from $30 to $50." The little boy reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37" he said. "May I please look at them?" The storeowner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.

One puppy was lagging considerably behind.

4 years ago

 


"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don 't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her.

They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration.

"We don't want to hear anything more about 'puppy size', either," Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.

One by one she said, "Sorry, but you're not the one."

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.

The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" She screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"

"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.

"No...not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed", she said.

"Don 't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms", she said.

Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, "Mom, he loves
me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"


Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

4 years ago

 

Puppy Size

Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. "We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.

"What is it she keeps asking for?", the volunteer asked.

"'Puppy size!'" replied the mother.

"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."

"I know... we have seen most of them", the mom said in frustration.

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.

4 years ago

 

Little Red Riding Hood Meets a Dog

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad dog crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Pooch."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the big dog again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Pooch."

Again the dog jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the dog again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Pooch."

With that the dog jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,

I'm trying to poop!"

4 years ago

 

ructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


This post was modified from its original form on 03 Apr, 10:31
4 years ago

 

TO GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal inst

4 years ago

 

18.They don't need to be taken to music lessons or soccer practice.
19.They don't become embarrassed to be seen with you when they reach adolescence.
20.They don't ride their skateboards where they should not.
21.You do not have to buy them books.
22.In addition to the eating less, they also are not fussy when they get the same meal every night and are grateful.
23.If you scold them, they don't pout. Generally, they are over it in a minute and love you anyway.
24.They are attentive when you are sick.
25.They don't go online and charge a bunch of stuff to your credit card.
26.They don't tie up the phone for hours on end.
27.They do not smart mouth back at you.
28.They do not grab everything in site at the grocery store.
29.You do not have to pay their expensive cell phone bills for talking or texting.
30.They don't need expensive electronic gadgets...a tennis ball will do just fine and a pair of your socks is even better!
31.They love us unconditionally even when we're sick in bed or when we have garlic breath.......and never shout "I hate you" when you tell them they have to be home by curfew or that they can't have the car or that pair of $200 blue jeans that come faded and torn like the ones already in the closet!
32.At night, you can lock them in their kennel and no one will call Child Protective Services on you!
33.Dogs never scream at the top of their voices like children do when they play around or get excited.
34.Dogs will not come home with undesirable piercings or tattoos.
35.They don't have to ask boyfriends around.
36.They never have to ask you about homework.
37.They don't scream to get their way.
38.If they give you crap, you can bag it up and throw it away.
39.Wherever you take them, it's their FAVORITE place to be!
40.Whatever you feed them, it's the BEST food they've ever eaten!
41.When you come home, it's the MOST FUN they've had all day!
42.When someone threatens you, they tell them to back off, no matter how much bigger the other guy is. When someone knocks on the door/rings the doorbell, they remind them of who's boss and it's the person/dog on the other side of the door.
43.who's boss and it's the person/dog on the other side of the door.
44.Not only do they NOT ask for money, but they don't ask for an allowance either.
45.And finally...If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


This post was modified from its original form on 03 Apr, 10:36
4 years ago

 

dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1.Eat less.
2.Don't ask for money all the time.
3.Are easier to train.
4.Normally come when called.
5.Never ask to drive the car, they don't wreck the car and they don't raise your automobile insurance rates.
6.Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7.Don't smoke or drink.
8.Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9.Don't want to wear your clothes.
10.Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
11.Don't mind a bit when you pass gas.
12.Don't roll their eyes and say "oh Pleeeese".
13.Don't play weird music at top volume.
14.Don't have to get a baby sitter when you go out.
15.They do not answer back.
16.They listen no matter what you say!
17.You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars for Christmas and birthdays

4 years ago

 



Two
                                Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly
                               
                               
                               
                                were
                                walking through the woods.
                               
                               
                               
                                All
                                of a sudden one of the Indians
                               
                               
                               
                                ran
                                up a hill to the mouth of a small
                                cave.
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                                "Wooooo!
                                Wooooo! Wooooo!"
                               
                               
                               
                                he
                                called into the cave and listened
                                closely
                               
                               
                               
                                until
                                he heard an answering,
                               
                               
                               
                                "Wooooo!
                                Wooooo! Woooooo!
                               
                               
                               
                                He
                                then tore off his clothes
                               
                               
                               
                                and
                                ran into the cave.
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                                The
                                Hillbilly was puzzled
                               
                               
                               
                                and
                                asked the remaining Indian
                               
                               
                               
                                what
                                it was all about.
                               
                               
                               
                                "Was
                                that Indian crazy or what?"
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                                The
                                Indian replied
                               
                               
                                "No,
                                It is our custom during mating
                                season
                               
                               
                                when
                                Indian men see cave, they holler
                               
                               
                                'Wooooo!
                                Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
                               
                               
                                If
                                they get an answer back,
                               
                               
                                it
                                means there's a beautiful woman
                               
                               
                                in
                                there waiting for us."
                               
                               
                               
                               
                               
                                Just
                                then they came upon another cave.
                               
                               
                                The
                                second India
4 years ago

 


A little senior humor!
                 
A group of 40 years old guys discuss where they should
meet for dinner.
Finally they agree to meet at Kelley's Restaurant because
the waitresses have
low cut blouses and nice breasts.


                 
10 years later, at age 50, the group agrees to meet at
Kelley's because the
food is good and the wine selection is
excellent.

                 
10 years later, at age 60, the group agrees to meet at
Kelley's because they
can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke
free.

                 
10 years later, at age 70, the group agrees to meet at
Kelley's because the
restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they have
an
elevator.

                 
10 years later, at age 80, the group agrees to meet at
Kelley's because they
have never been there
before.

4 years ago

 


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

4 years ago
few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 23 years."
4 years ago

 

 REDNECK was walking home one dark night and sees a woman in the shadows.   
 
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.' 
 

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks so they hide in the bushes. 

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
 
 'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.

 'I'm making love to my wife!' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
 
 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
 
 'Well, neither did I, till ya shined that  light in her face!'

4 years ago

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Vincent,
 
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
 
Love,
 
Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
 
Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.
 
Love,
Vinnie
Anonymous
4 years ago
1laughhanging.gif picture by jumpingjill
Anonymous
4 years ago
1laugh.jpg picture by jumpingjill
Anonymous
4 years ago
1Dennis_The_Menace.gif picture by jumpingjill
4 years ago

Nance your cartoons are so cute and Lily your jokes are hilarious!  In fact I may 'borrow' one from you and Nance. 

4 years ago

PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona...."

4 years ago
Spoken by Andy Rooney

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?  Here's an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage..  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!   hahahaha!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

4 years ago

 



Children Writing About the Ocean.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
Pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married  my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

4 years ago

OH NO!!!!!!  I am still laughing, Lily!!!  Those comments are sooo funny....especially #5!   Thanks for brightening up my day!

4 years ago

 
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
The young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean,' she said.
'She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same c omments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see
a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.'

The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.'


            And so it is with life.
     What we see when watching others
 depends on the window through which we look

4 years ago



Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 55 years ago!


'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. Twenty cents a pack is ridiculous.'

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging seven cents just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND. It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down inTexas.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore ... at $15 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'





Know any family or friends who would get a kick out of these statements? Especially your kids, grandkids and great grandkids ... they will get a few laughs, for sure.





Ain't it the truth!!!
4 years ago

 The Drunk
>
> A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood
> up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one
> more time, to the same result.
>
> He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since
> maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and
> fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four
> blocks to his house.
>
> When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat
> on his face.
>
> He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
> reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
>
> This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly
> fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head
> hit the pillow.
>
> He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So
> you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
>
> "No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best
> innocent expression.
>
> "The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

4 years ago

Subject: Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance'she said.'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it.  Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a  nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
as  I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Dunkin
Donuts
again!'

4 years ago

 

>
>

:
>
Husband takes his wife to play her first
>game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right
>through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there,
>find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
>
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
>said, 'Come on in.'
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
>over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
>window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
>
>
> 'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
>
> 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see e, I'm
>a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
>released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but
>if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
>
> 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
>'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
>
> 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll
>guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?'
>the genie asked.
>
> 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
>the world,' she said.
>
> 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from
>fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
>
> 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
>
> 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
>in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have s
*x with your wife.'
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now
>have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering
>our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
>
> 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
>So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon
>enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop s
*x, the genie rolled over and looked
>directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
>
> 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
>
> ' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

4 years ago

Lily those jokes are hilarious!!!  I'm still laughing.  Heck, mine won't seem very cute after yours.  lol


When I first dated my husband-to-be, I had just adopted a puppy.  Affectionate though the dog was, Frank didn't know how to respond to her ~ the only pet he'd ever had was cricket.  I waited impatiently for my furry friend to win him over.  That day finally came on our wedding trip when I overheard my husband muse to a fellow honeymooner, "I never thought I could love a dog until I met my wife."

4 years ago

 

> GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
>
>
>
> A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
>
> The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
> hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for
> us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic,  I don't
> have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull
> the tooth, and be done with it!  We have a 10:00 AM tee time
> at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I
> don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
>
> The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely
> a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without
> using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him,
> "Which tooth is it, sir?"
>
> The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,
> and show him..

hahahaha! Lily!
4 years ago

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

4 years ago
oh all going blank please delete Vicky
4 years ago

 

 
 
 
 


 








The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.." 

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.. 

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. 

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" 

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. 

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" 

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.." 




=

3 years ago

 The Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." =

3 years ago

Thai Construction Worker

    In a construction company, there were a French worker and a Thai worker working together. One morning, the boss comes out to give order to his workers.

            He said to the French, “You are in charge of the cement.”
            Then he said to the Thai, “You are in charge of the supplies.”
            Then he said, “The work better be finished by the end of the day, or you will be fired.” After that he left the work to get their work done. The boss comes back at the end of the day. He inspections the cement work from the French worker, and he says, “Good job”. Then he starts looking for the Thai guy, but he is no where to be found. He asks, “Where the heck is the Thai guy?”

            Suddenly, the Thai guy jumps out from a big pile of dirt and yells, “Supplies”.

3 years ago

 

 
 

   
 

 



 

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

 

haha Lily!
3 years ago

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!



This post was modified from its original form on 15 Apr, 10:04
3 years ago

Where Babies Come From

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"

3 years ago

 

Marriage Humor
 

Wife:
         'What are you doing?'  

Husband:
     Nothing.

Wife:
         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband:
     'I was looking for the expiration date.' 

3 years ago
There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the  lady.
3 years ago
**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
3 years ago
A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys  and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the  kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
3 years ago

hahahaha!  I really liked the ones about breaking the 10 Commandments and 'art in Heaven' Lily.


The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.

So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.

The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working. One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".

Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

SHARING
3 years ago
 

 

Marriage is sharing  

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife
.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered


(Continue below - This is great)







'THE TEETH.'
 
3 years ago

hahahahhahaha!  and YUCK!!!  


The Talking Centipede

 

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

 

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

 

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

 

But there was no answer from his new pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

 

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

 

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

 

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...

 

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard y

3 years ago

  Mad Wife Disease......

  A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
  'What was that for?' he asked.
 
That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
  'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
  'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'
  Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
  When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'
  She replied.......'Your horse called.'
The female dentist
3 years ago


The female
dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a
shot.

"No way!
No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up
the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The
thought of having the gas mask on suffocates Me!"
The dentist then asks the
patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the
patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says,
"Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a
pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going
to give you something to hold On to when I pull your
tooth."
3 years ago

 

A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot
How much are they please ?
£300,£250 and one is for £15.00.
Why £15?

It used to live in a brothel
that shouldn't be a problem I'll take it then a bargain.

Woman gets parrot home and puts it in front room in it's cage
f**k me a new brothel says the parrot

the woman laughs at the parrot.
Some time later her daughters arrive home from school
f** me says the parrot new prozzies
The girls just giggle at the parrot.     Some time later the husband arrives home from work to be met by the  wife and daughters sat in the front room with the parrot-----
f** me Bernard says the parrot I haven't seen you for weeks"!!!!

3 years ago

 

Herb decided to propose to Sandy,but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was ok because he loved her sooo much.

 

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem.

My winky is the same size as an infant  and hope you could deal with that once we are married.

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.

 

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started

touching and teasing. holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants,she began to scream and ran out of the room.

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "you told me your winky was the size of an infant!"

Yes ,it is 7 pounds, 8 ounces & 19 inches long!

OH MY GOSH!!! That is hilarious, Lily!!! Speaking of winkies...here's one
3 years ago
A man looks at his wife & says "Your butt is big I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill" he got a measuring tape, measured the grill, & measured her bottom. "I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the grill" The woman ignored him. Later that night, The husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife Who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" She says "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill For one little weenie?"
Why parents get grey hair
3 years ago
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 
“Hello?” whispered a small voice   
“Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes, he's out in the garden”, whispered the small voice  
“May I talk with him?”
“No” whispered the child again
So the boss asked,
“Well, is your Mommy there?”
“Yes, she's out in the garden too”
The boss asked “May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered,
“No”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, “Is anybody else there?”  

“Yes...” whispered the child, “...a policeman”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy” whispered the child.  
“Busy doing what?”  
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.”
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss
asked, “What is that noise?”  
“It's a helicopter”
answered the whispering voice.  
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

“The search team just landed a helicopter”
“A search team?”
said the boss. “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....
“ME!!”

 
3 years ago
 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you
want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is  no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns  out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know S-H-I-T


And then she went back to reading her book
3 years ago
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K.  newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

 
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 
COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 
*** And the WINNER is... ***

 
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,

45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
3 years ago

 

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir.
From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song,Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife with hurt feelings said,"What's the matter Joe? Dont you like my singing?"
Joe replied,"Honey ,I love your singing , but I just want to make sure the neighbours know I'm not beating you"

3 years ago

Lily & Pam =


Jack & Jill were just married....
    Jack said to Jill 'Try on  my pants'
Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big."
    Jack said, 'Exactly...always remember I wear the pants in this house and always will".
    Jill said, 'You try on my panties'.
Jack said, 'I'll never get in them'.
    Jill said, 'Exactly.  And if you don't change your attitude you never will'.

3 years ago
A Police STOP at 1AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
3 years ago



This post was modified from its original form on 04 Sep, 17:22
3 years ago

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!
Mildred turned to her and said, Oh, crap, am I driving?

3 years ago

 

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had

been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes;

she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, How soon do you need to know?

3 years ago

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and saySupersex.
She walked up to an elderly

man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex.

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, I'll take the soup.

3 years ago

 

TELL

ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,Windy, isn't it?


No, the second man replied, it's Thursday.

And the third man chimed in, So am I. Let's have a beer

3 years ago

 


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'


3 years ago

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out..


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

3 years ago

  Great !  Thank you , girls !

3 years ago
OH MY GOSH THOSE ARE HILARIOUS, LILY!!!   Especially the one where Mildred didn't realize she was driving.  hahahaha!   I'm going to have to borrow some of those. 
Painting the church
3 years ago

 

 
 
 
 
 



 
-----


 
 
Painting the Church


There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.




As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..


Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.


So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.




Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:


"Oh, God,
Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"


And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..




(you're going to love this)




"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

3 years ago

 



 


 

 
> > DISNEYLAND
> > Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 

> > FLORIDA OR MOON
> > Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

> > CAR TROUBLE
> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
> > Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> > She says, 'What's the story?'
> > He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> > She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
> > SPEEDING TICKET
> > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
> > She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
> > Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
 
> > RIVER WALK
> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
> > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
 
> > AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
> > A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
> > 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
> > The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
> > The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
> > 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
> > 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

> > KNITTING
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
> > Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
> > 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 

HOW IRISH DANCING STARTED
3 years ago

3 years ago

Wow, I loved that video, Lily!   Those guys were really in sync and the first guy was funny.    The blonde jokes cracked me up and I'll have to borrow some of them. 


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About a gallon."



This post was modified from its original form on 16 Sep, 18:09
3 years ago

BE AFRAID , VERY AFRAID  LOL

Be afraid_very afraid___.jpg

2 years ago
This is the story of the frantic blonde flying in a two-seater
airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and
is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through
it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just
relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. .
. Who art in Heaven........
2 years ago

lol! cute blonde joke, Lily!

2 years ago

I know this is news I added on care2
but need to share with you here..it's humor
you should watch this..so cute...
they make a baby action like that??.. look like a drunker
 and beer for dog??..the world is going wrong...

Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas - Viral YouTube Video
This clip is surprising hilarious and it's going viral. This video got 6 million views in just over 3 weeks. The music alone is amazing. The baby drinks, eats the guests food, then falls out in the middle of the place. It won the short film and audience

Beer For Dogs

Everybody knows you shouldn't give your dog a sip of your beer, but pooches no longer have to miss out - because a new brew made specifically for dogs has gone on sale. Bowser Beer really is a beer made for dogs. But unlike your Stella Artois it won't

2 years ago

I dont know if anyone else has tried to watch these but when I do I get taken off the internet so I gave up!

2 years ago

2 years ago
hair.jpg


2 years ago
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
1 year ago

OH NO!!!  Hahahahaha!  That is so funny Jill!  Sorry I am just seeing it.    Pour little squished puppy.  lol

1 year ago

Lets dance !


kangoroo.jpg

1 year ago

Oh that is soooo funny, Fullmoon!  hahaha!

 

Anonymous
1 year ago

Taxi talk

---


prior to retirement I was driving my London black cab when an American lady hired me to take her to 8 Cornwall Gardens, Kensington. It so happened that I had been reading a biography of Field Marshal Montgomery and I had just learned that, in his early life, lived at that very address. On ascertaining that the American lady lived there I told her that this had been the previous address of one of our most famous military commanders " Field Marshal Lord Viscount Bernhard Law Montgomery of Alamein (1) " . She replied: " Oh, what flat was he in ? "

------

told by Bob, a taxi driver from Bushey, Hertfordshire, England

(1): Alamein: in Egypt

1 year ago

Funny Mongi!   hahahaha!   Cute kitty, Jilly!

 

 photo funny2_zps6fcc690b.jpg

Anonymous
jokes, funny stories...
1 year ago

                   

                              a rocksteady ladder... " haha "              



This post was modified from its original form on 03 Apr, 18:34
1 year ago

 

Little Red Riding Hood Meets a Dog

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad dog crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Pooch."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the big dog again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Pooch."

Again the dog jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the dog again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Pooch."

With that the dog jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,

I'm trying to poop!"
1 year ago

Funny cat, Jill.  lol   Lily that Little Red Riding Hood story is hilarious!

 

1 year ago
After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasnt there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."



1 year ago

hahahahaha!   Funny Lily!

1 year ago
Ronald McDonald in a Nudist Colony  Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

A: Look for sesame seed buns.

 

1 year ago


A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!" 

Protestant: : "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!" 

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!" 
 
They then all wait for the Jew to speak.... 

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says,
 "I'm not selling!"
...................................................................
This topic is closed