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JOKES, COMICS OR FUNNY STORIES
2 months ago

Post your jokes,comics or funny stories here

2 months ago
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. 
 
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:                                     
 
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."                                     
 
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.  Please advise."


 
 
 
2 months ago

hahahaha Lily....that's funny!  

 

A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school."

The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!"

The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"



This post was modified from its original form on 07 Aug, 16:03
2 months ago

Good one Vicky ,hope you didn't mind me starting this thread as you forgot to do it ,didn't know where else to post.

2 months ago

OMG, you gals are killing me. Those jokes are so funny and it's hard to laugh. Had to do it with my lips closed! lol

what's wrong with your lips, Lynn. I hope nothing serious.
2 months ago

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

2 months ago

The answer to that question about Lynn is in the chat thread if you look Vicky

2 months ago
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
 
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
 
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
 
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

2 months ago
Lawyer on His Deathbed

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

2 months ago

Oh my gosh......where was that guy at exactly????   Eeeeks!

2 months ago

It was  a kiddie Vicky

2 months ago

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1 month ago

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1 month ago

Subject: British humour

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
Desert when he saw something far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a Royal
Marine selling regimental ties.



The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"



The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to
buy a tie instead? They are only 5 pounds."



The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie.

I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"



"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and
that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill
to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officers Mess. It has all
the ice cold water you need.. "



Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped..




"They won't let me in without a f...ing tie!"

1 month ago

hahaha!

kinda corny but I chuckled
3 weeks ago
Hungry Ham Sandwich
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
3 weeks ago
Investment tips for FALL 2014
For all of you with any money, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and WR. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
3 weeks ago
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who
know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors
 
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam",  said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,  ....
"Well, %#&!*%, that explains why no one was at church either.
3 weeks ago

Great jokes Lily, Vicky and Lynn.

hahahaha! Those are funny, Lynn.
3 weeks ago

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

3 weeks ago

Great joke Vicky!

Thanks Brenda.....here's another one
3 weeks ago

Light Bulb

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

2 weeks ago

Another great joke Vicky.

thanks Brenda. Why don't you post a couple, too. :)
2 weeks ago

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" 

 

The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

 

The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Funny, Vicky!
2 weeks ago

I absolutely love Monty Python skits. They're so silly that you have to laugh out loud.

2 weeks ago

hahahaha!  Funny, Lynn.     Pay another 5 minutes?   He never paid the first time!  lol   Yes, he did.....NO he didn't.   teehee!

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

2 weeks ago

Love your jokes Vicky.

I love Monty Python's skits too Lynn.

Thanks Brenda. Be sure to post some of yours. :)
2 weeks ago

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

1 week ago

Love it Vicky!

I am no good at telling jokes.

1 week ago

Thanks Brenda!   Oh I have to go online and search for jokes....I don't know them peronally.