1963- Louisville was a backwoodsy type small town on the verge of being known. Kennedy was asassinated. Ali was prepping for a fight. War was looming above us. But it seems to me that the sun had to of shown brighter then....the clouds maybe whiter...I don't know. But I was concieved and born in that year and I don't remember any of it.
What I do remember however, is bits and pieces of a violent childhood of people fighting and beer smells, and bars with old drunks talking to me while I sat on the bar by the bartenders. The smell of vinegar from the pickled things they keep in jars for hillbilly alcoholics. I remember putting nickels in the little jukebox on the bar or the big one on the floor, while some man or another held me up there to pick a song. I remember my sister coming to the bar and taking me home with her, why I don't know. She was 17 years older than me and married. I think I thought for a long time that she was my real mother. But reality is a MF'er and I would soon find out just how much.
My daddy was a Cherokee Indian (full blooded) and my mother a mixture of whatever (Irish, German, Dutch). I am sure they loved each other, but the fighting between them seemed be the way they loved each other......weird huh ? One friday night we had a little party. My daddy and his band were playing music in the kitchen and there were alot of people there talking and drinking, I remember sitting on a stool at the table eating something next to my mother when I heard the words " little bastard " come from my daddy's mouth and then a loud crash and glass was everywhere(as my mother broke her beer bottle on the table) . Someone grabbed me up, the nieghbor next door and was running with me, when my daddy turned around and I saw the blood running down his face. He said", "Look what your mother has done to me". He was crying. [
In the Neighbor's house, Marge sat me down on a stool in her kitchen facing the bathroom so she could see me. She gave me an old Barbie doll to play with. It's hair was tangled and it was naked and I remember thinking I will NEVER play with dolls again and I threw it down on her filthy floor. I don't remember if I went home that night or not, but I do know that everything that happened that night had an impact on my life forever.Even now.
I set fire to the Barbie Doll Dreamhouse that my mother so dramatically presented to me on Chirstmas. I would light matches that I found in the kitchen by the stove and then stuff tiny bits of paper into babyfood jars (my nephew's) that were drying on the sink.I blew the matches out and hid them under the braided rug I used to sit on. Nobody ever came to the front room to see what I was doing. It took me quite a long time to figure out that the bottles would not blow up in the dollhouse if I did not have a lid on them and then I had to poke holes in them with the icepick to get them to breath fire into the house. At first I burnt the little kitchen and I thought "Aha, now you know that you don't have a dream house Barbie, you don't even have a kitchen". Next, I went all the way with my plan to burn the entire thing to the ground. I heard my mother scream and the sound of fire engines but I was mesmerized by the fire crumpling the tiny walls and all the furniture in Barbie's dream world. I hated her and if I could have thrown her in at the last minute I would have. My mother gave me the talk about matches the next day and how I almost burned down the entire house and everything in it. I don't think I ever really cared . She hid the matches way up high above the kitchen sink after that, and made jokes about having a little firebug. I think I might have scared her then.
I had a pet chicken named Frederick. Randall named her. He said that it was my fault that all the other chickens died in their eggs when I turned up the knobs on the incubator. And that, because I had killed all her brothers and sisters, I would have to care for her for her whole life. I promised I would.
Soon the little yellow baby chick down fell out and Frederick became a Woman Chicken in need of a husband . But I do remember the days she spread her wings out on her back in my lap and let me brush her feathers with my hands. She cooed and flapped a single feather at me, sure signs that she loved me and only me, but that was before Randall brought Jimmy home and suddenly I was alone again. Jimmy was a big white rooster with a red hat on his head and he demanded attention from everyone including Frederick. I married Frederick and Jimmy in the back yard on the patio, just to show them that I was not selfish and I could let go of Frederick if it meant she would be loved forever by Jimmy. they had millions of babies but I never saw one of them. Frederick apparently had an appetite for her young, kind of like my mother, but she actually ate them. I guess she did not want to compete with anyone else for Jimmy's attention. One day, I went out to feed Frederick and when I opened her cage, I stood in horror at the scene that finally registered in my head. And when it did, I felt my whole insides scream. The way her head was cocked at an angle with her little beak wide open and the hole in her throat with the blood gushing out, was too much for a five year old to handle. Mom told everyone that a weasel had gotten her, when they asked what was wrong with me and I just stood there in my own private trauma, knowing that my life had taken a sudden turn. No father, no pet chicken. My brothers and sisters had their own things going on. No one ever knew how devastated I was. But i decided I would make everyone notice me when I got old enough.
Daddy left shortly after that. He and mama got a divorce. My brother Randall kind of took over as my father. He was 13 years older than me and when they called him to go to Vietnam, I was devastated. I begged him not to go, but he said he had to because of the draft. About that same time, there were riots breaking out all over Louisville about black people riding the bus and eating in the same places and everything. I never understood any of it because I guess I never saw the difference in people's color or what it had to do with anything. My mother told me, "Do not ever judge someone by the color of their skin". That stuck with me and I have not.
Waiting for Randal to come home from the Marines was endless and he sent me letters everyday that he could, but I played alone outside(I was not allowed out of the yard), mostly just running up and down the sidewalk or hanging upside down from a rail on the patio my daddy built. I don't think I was lonely, but I must have been. When I look back, I feel very sorry for that little girl.
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, is what she used to say to me. My mother was 40 years old when I was born and had already raised seven other children. Mistake is the word they used to describe my birth. "Oh you know, we just made a mistake", she would say to someone on the phone and I oftened wondered if she could just erase me. Or if I could just erase myself. Maybe subconsiously, that is what I have been trying to do my whole life. Erase me. I was not born to the man who was the father of my brothers and sisters and my mother often told me," You are by yourself in this world, because they will never love you like they love eachother. " So, I filed that back in my mind with all the other memories that I wish I could forget. Like having to take two or three baths a day(because I was filthy) or having to take a nap everyday with my mother. One day she let me stay up and play by the back door with my toys while she napped. But I had to be very quiet and only wake her for an emergency. Since Frederick had died, Jimmy was my only pet and although I would never loved him like I loved Frederick, he was still mine. I watched him through the screen above the metal door to the backyard. He was walking along, making little rooster sounds and picking up pieces of bread that my mother had thrown out back for him, when all of the sudden he stopped and started choking. I knew he was choking on the bread, but I just sat there very quietly and cried. I cried so hard when he finally fell over and died that it woke my mother up. She came in the kitchen and asked me why I was crying, and then she saw Jimmy laying in the back yard where my hand was pointing. She said "Why didn't you wake me up ? I told you to wake me up if it was an emergency". I remember saying "But I don't know what an emergency is ".
We had a three room, one bath, white shotgun house. I slept in the babybed until I was 4 . Mom used to take me by one arm and sling me up into her bed at night just for fun and I would laugh and giggle and ask her to do it again and again. Daddy came home drunk one night when Mom was slinging me up into the bed and he decided that he would do it too. Mom told him no and the next thing I knew, Daddy had ahold of legs and Mom had ahold of my arms and they were pulling me from both ends. When I started crying because they were trying to stretch me apart, they finally layed me down and went into another room to fight. I picked all the cotton out of my bed that night through a tiny hole in the mattress and threw it on the floor. The fighting made me so nervous, I could not sleep but just focused on that cotton hitting the floor. No one ever said a thing to me about all the cotton on the floor. Then I got a new bed and they put it right in front of the frontroom window where the baby bed had been . I used to look outside at night for signs of people and what they were up to. I saw more than I wanted to. My brother Mike was out front smoking a cigarette. I guess he was about 15 then. He saw me looking at him through the window and came in. He put his hands around my throat and told me that if I ever told Mom, he would kill me. I believed him.
My mother shot the insurance man by accident. But I remember her taking me out of the bed and sitting me in the corner and saying "Be very still"She had "THE GUN" and there was a prowler. So she opened the door and shot out and the insurance man had seen the gun and had started to run when the shot hit him in the foot and he fell over the fence next door he was trying to go over. We left the hole in the screen door. My Mom said it would keep the other prowler's (or insurance men) away. [
My mother remarried when I was about eight to a man named Vince Rizzo. A very kind man, but she did not love him. I did. They changed my name to his and it has been my name ever since. He was a pharmacist and that is what I always wanted to be, but never did achieve. He was from Sicily. I thought he was wonderful. We moved to a house and I had my OWN bedroom. I did not know what to do. I had never slept in a room by myself. I asked my mother if I could have the gun...she said "Whatever for"....I said "What if someone comes to kill me in the night". She said "Oh Lynn, you are being to melodramatic". But I was genuinely scared. I remember watching the light under the door for hours to make sure their were no foot shadows, at least until I fell asleep. I slept with a letter opener under my pillow.
God is energy and energy is God, who created all things. All things are either good or evil dependent on personal circumstances.
Power is the assemblance of people by one, who are in fear of that person . Fear is not love. Power is not love. Religion is created to have power. Government is created to have power.
Government is the assemblance of people by one (of many), who are in fear of that person/persons. Fear is not life nor love.
Because of Government and Religion, people are in fear of one thing or another, mainly their lives here or the hereafter.
Those who recognize this as a hoax are the truly empowered.
When I was about seven, I started second grade and started to find a place in the world of religion. I went to church on Sunday's when I could. I would read my tiny little white New Testament and proclaim to all the animals in my back yard, the word of God. They were my only audience because I was not allowed out of the back yard.
After my mother met and married Vince, our whole lives changed but the one constant was the religion in my heart that I felt to be true and would be my salvation in the end.
We moved to a new house the year I turned 9 and I finally made a friend. Her name was Kim. And she is my friend to this day.