I love the online feminist community. Seriously. They are the best. So much snark and smarts. It’s just delightful. You can find this community in the usual places – blogs, Twitter, comment sections, etc. But there is one forum for snarky feminists that kind of came out of nowhere: Amazon.com reviews.
Remember several months ago when feminists took to the product reviews to make fun of Bic’s pens for ladies? Well, it’s back. This time in reviews for Wendy Davis’s pink Mizuno shoes. It might not be a good idea to actually buy these shoes, as the company president gave money to the Republican National Committee and voted for Mitt Romney. But definitely do read some of the best reviews, and bask in their gloriousness.
1. “It turns out that if you want to purchase these shoes, you will be forced to watch a video featuring the manufacture of the shoes from start to finish, and then only in a medical facility supervised by white male lawyers. No returns after 20 weeks.”
2. “These are fantastic shoes, but I’ve noticed a problem with them. When I put them on, no one listens to me. I’m a white male, age 41 – I thought everyone was supposed to listen to me? Also, other white men are now trying to tell me what to do with my prostate. What gives?”
3. “They call it the Wave Rider because after wearing these shoes for a mere 13 hours, you’ll be back to riding the crimson wave every month rather than spending the next nine months dry and forcibly pregnant. Incredible results.”
4. “I am appalled to see these available here without any restrictions. For their own safety, women should only be able to purchase these shoes at an orthopedic surgeons office and only in size 10 or below. Before purchasing they should informed that studies have linked these shoes to gout and club foot and be required to watch a 30 minute video on Chinese shoe factory conditions. This is for your own protection, ladies.”
5. “I find these shoes to be absolutely unacceptable; no sane and moral person should ever wear them. Let me explain. After a night in which I “tied one on”, as they say, I was less than vigilant about whose running shoes wound up on my feet the next morning. My baby-making kitchen wen-sorry, my wife, has recently taken to running to maintain her figure, and she wears a pair of these shoes. When I slipped them on and ventured out into God’s beautiful morning, I began to have strange sensations. Continuing my morning run, I put a name to these alien feelings; empathy. These morally outrageous shoes confer upon one the ability to understand and empathize with other perspectives. As everyone knows, straight Christian white men are God’s chosen few, (why else would we have so many social advantages?) therefore, forcing me to understand other points of view might undermine my masculine objectivity and reason, for God’s sake. With a cry of “It’s very uncomfortable that sexually repressed old creeps think they can make laws governing what I can and cannot do with my anatomy!” I began to let my moral authority slip! There was only one thing to do! I tore my kitchen wen-my wife’s running shoes off, which had the immediate effect of restoring me to pristine masculine reason and objectivity, but left me stranded on the side of the road, a quite uncomfortable position to be in if you are a man holding a pair of pink running shoes. Someone might think I was one of those ho-mo-sexuals, and I couldn’t stand for that! I called my kit-I do apologize, my wife, and demanded that she come pick me up. I was forced to give her special permission to leave the house and use the car. Thankfully, she, being a loyal and obedient serva-woman, drove out and picked me up, restoring order and righteousness to my day. I would warn against wearing these shoes at all costs, as the mental derangement they create is a threat to God’s plan on Earth.”
6. “My partner who shares my Amazon.com account hit the purchase button without my consent. I found these expensive shoes that I can’t afford on my doorstep. I just recently lost my job, and I needed the money instead to pay for basic necessities for myself. The money can be better spent to repair and care for the other shoes that I would need for job interviews. Additionally, I have problem feet that require special shoes, and these shoes while amazing and beautiful put the health of my feet at risk.
I tried to return them and explain what happened, but Customer Service said they are not allowed to do returns. The state now requires that they have to upgrade their facilities to become both a warehouse and shoe repair (not just a warehouse) and their service reps have to get cobbler privileges to do a return. They mentioned that I can try to return the shoes to other facilities in other states but those facilities require FedEx. I live in a rural area where there are NO Fedex’s nearby to pick them up and the closest FedEx is almost 200 miles away (requiring an overnight stay at a hotel and gas money I can’t afford).
I am now forced to keep a pair of shoes that I never intended to purchase, can not afford, and have caused severe deformities in my feet. My other shoes are not getting the care they need due to the expense of these. I tried to sell these shoes on Ebay to get others to adopt and enjoy them. Nobody wants them because they are seen as ‘used’ and hence ‘defective’ and are not the popular pink color that everyone wants.”
8. “As Governor Perry’s assistant, I can vouch that we speak for God. And I can also vouch that these shoes are against God’s will. For one thing, when women wear these shoes they are not barefoot and it is God’s will that women be barefoot and preferably in the kitchen while they’re making a pot roast for dinner. Plus these shoes apparently empower women which is also against God’s will. If God wanted women to be powerful He would have given Eve a briefcase and a fax machine. As a man, it is my job to tell women what to do so I am telling women not to get these shoes. To make sure that women comply since they can’t be trusted making their own decisions, Governor Perry will be calling another special session after the next special session which follows the first special session – that is costing Texas taxpayers $27,300 a day – to pass a law requiring that women be barefoot at all times and, if they work, they must work from home in the kitchen. After all, it is God’s will. I know because, like I said, Governor Perry and I speak for God.”
Standing and talking,
one needs a lot of support.
You have all of ours.”
10. “Great shoes! Did the trick. Only a 24 hour waiting period for the shoes to arrive(in Pennsylvania). Pretty fast! But you will need spousal consent before wearing the shoes. Parental consent if you are under 18. Totally worth it though!”
Image credit: Ann Harkness