If there’s one thing that’s got to put a serious damper on the fun of being the most powerful deity imaginable, it’s the fact that there are always so many people clamoring for your attention. There’s the daily intercessions, the pre-meal blessings, the childish prayers before the little ones lay themselves down to sleep. Here are four things that are taking up a lot of God’s time these days — at least, according to the utterly far right devout:
1) Spreading Ebola to the unrepentant: Yes, it’s hard to have any sort of disaster, be it natural, medical or otherwise, without someone claiming it’s God’s work and a warning to those besmirched by sin. According to Religion News, “In Liberia, more than 100 Christian leaders meeting in early August declared that God was angry and Ebola a plague. They called for prayers to seek God’s forgiveness for sins including corruption and immoral acts such as homosexuality,” reports Fredrick Nzwili. “Liberia’s Wilmot Kotati Bobbroh, head of the Living Water Pentecostal Church, later described the outbreak as a national curse brought by God to force repentance. Bobbroh said chlorine and soap were not working, but God’s mercy was saving people.”
Luckily, cooler heads are prevailing. “As a Council, we consider Ebola as a disease and not a punishment from God as some people are reportedly describing it,” responded the Christian Council of Ghana.
2) Smiting the naughty Mississippi Republicans: There’s still a great deal of bad blood (and lawsuits) surrounding the very close Mississippi GOP Senate primary, where sitting Senator Thad Cochran barely eked out a win over Tea Party nominee Chris McDaniel. McDaniel’s biggest campaign weapon, Charles Johnson, has shown he’s still a little angry about the final results, and in an opening prayer at a recent Tea Party meeting he invoked God to “be violent against“ the GOP establishment that thwarted his candidate in the primary. Despite Johnson’s pleas, no one appears to have become a target of a wrathful and vengeful deity.
3) Preparing to finally, FINALLY pass a heartbeat ban in Ohio: Poor Janet Porter has been trying to pass a ban on abortion at the point in which an embryonic heartbeat can be heard for years now. In fact, it’s been so long since she first started that I managed to write, edit, print and publish a book about it. Since her ban was first introduced many states have proposed their own bills, two states have actually passed them, and both of them (North Dakota and Arkansas) have even had them blocked, resulting in ongoing legal battles.
Yet still, Porter hasn’t been able to get her bill, which was the first of its kind, through the legislature for a full vote. Now, she’s going to see if God can help her out. “We’ve called. We’ve rallied. We’ve lobbied. On September 17th, we’re going over their heads!” Porter proclaimed in an email announcement obtained by Right Wing Watch. “Pastors from around the state will lead us as we go over the heads of the elected officials with an Appeal to Heaven!” Despite the extensive list of pastors in the state expected to be at the rally, God has yet to RSVP.
4) Just chilling, making clouds: Does the above God sound a bit more wrathful than you always imagined? Well, not everyone views their God as a thunderbolts and plagues. Some can still see deity that sits in the clouds, watching the world roll by. By which I mean literally sitting in the clouds, as this author at Huffington Post believes. “[T]his cloud was shaped in the image of the Lord,” writes author Fionna Finn regarding an ethereal photo she posted. “Also look to the far right and you’ll see another cloud that looks like an angel with a trumpet in hand. Maybe it’s the angel Gabriel blowing a trumpet blast to indicate the Lord’s return to Earth, or maybe not…” She then adds, “I for one was blown away by this photo and yes, I believe it’s a real snapshot of God in the clouds.”
When it comes to choosing between smiting and making cloud pictures, I know I prefer the God of the clouds myself.
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