Hey, were you aware that getting pregnant with your rapist’s baby is “something God intended“? It’s true! Indiana Republican Senate candidate, Richard Mourdock, told us so. The recent rash of offensive GOP comments on pregnancies resulting from rape has me thinking: is God really that much of a misogynist, or is it maybe the male politicians who see fit to speak on God’s behalf that are the problem here? If women dominated the political arena and demonstrated the same hubris, I wonder which terrible things might they say that men should consider “blessings in disguise”?
Here are 8 ideas:
Men may hate losing their hair, but that’s just part of God’s design. Trying to intervene with Propecia or a toupee is like declaring, “I know better than God about what I should look like.”
2. Prostate Cancer
Even though having cancer in the butt doesn’t sound fun, men should try to appreciate the experience that God has gifted. After all, paying the resulting exorbitant health care fees is a great way to help stimulate the economy.
3. Shorter Life Spans
On average, women live several years longer than men. While that may seem like an unfair discrepancy, it’s really just God’s way of saying, “I like you guys more, and want you in Heaven in sooner.”
4. Being Drafted
Though the Selective Service hasn’t been utilized as of late, with America’s propensity for wars – particularly those that politicians claim God views as righteous – it only makes sense that God wants men to be drafted. And if God decides that they are to survive warfare, it is likely his intention that they will suffer from PTSD or unemployment when they return home.
5. Erectile Dysfunction
No one wants to lose the ability to perform sexually, but for some, that’s what God intended. Taking Viagra is like spitting in God’s face; men should embrace God’s hint to be emotionally attentive to their partners’ needs instead.
6. Losing Child Custody
When courts show favoritism toward mothers in child custody hearings, fathers should feel blessed to only see their kids every other weekend. All of that free time will allow them to pursue new interests.
7. Back Hair
Sometimes God incorporates his sense of humor into his plan. Deal with it.
8. Serving Rape Sentences
It seems like an awful way to thank someone who has potentially just given a woman the ultimate gift (a surprise child!), but it is also part of God’s plan to send rapists to jail. And I’m pretty sure he wants them to be there a long, long time.
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