Dear Paul Ryan,
My friend, I wanted to thank you so much for sending those two letters requesting stimulus money for your state. They have particularly proven helpful for my campaign. I’m sorry for not responding to your letters sooner – I’ve had a country to run – but after having so much fun debating with you last night, I thought it’d be a good time to finally drop a line.
I have a lot I’d like to discuss further with you. A bunch of stuff, in fact. Some of your answers last night showed a clear lack of understanding. Maybe you just had trouble hearing me after years of listening to Rage Against the Machine albums. I will try to keep my words vague, as I know you don’t like specifics.
With all due respect, my friend, your plans for taxation, Medicare and Social Security, are MALARKEY! (Forgive my Irish.) As I pointed out, what you’re proposing is not mathematically possible. And I don’t mean that just in the sense that we have tanked math and science education in this country to the point where no one could do the math. Even if Americans could do the math, it still wouldn’t work out.
Yet somehow you’ll find the money to fund a war with Iran. We already have two wars on a credit card, my friend, so I think we’ve maxed it out. The good news is that I received something in the mail yesterday saying I was preapproved for a new credit card. I could share it with you, I suppose. Consider it an act of bipartisanship, as you repeatedly called for last night. We all know how the Republicans have been beacons of compromise during Barack’s presidency.
I’d like to thank you for bringing up a car crash anecdote in an attempt to make Romney look compassionate, when you know that I have a car crash story that trumps them all. And then you mentioned the auto industry, which you should know is a losing issue for the Romney campaign. Talk about a real car accident!
All of this compassion talk is malarkey anyway, since you could offer up no conservative policies that benefit the poor rather than protecting the rich’s wealth. As I said last night, “SHOW ME THE POLICY!” You know, I had practiced delivering that line with a Cuba Gooding Jr. impression, but ol’ stick-in-the-mud Barack wouldn’t let me.
Jack Kennedy Paul Ryan, I want to apologize for continually interrupting you last night. It was rude, but given your campaign’s stances, it only seemed fair to blatantly disregard 47% of everything you said.
The media has also given me a hard time for laughing throughout the debate, so I want to assure you that my laughter wasn’t directed at you. When Martha asked her first question about Libya, I misheard her as saying a certain part of a woman’s body, which kept me chuckling all night. I know, I know – grow up, Joe! I may giggle, but at least I don’t attempt to legislate against the female anatomy.
Speaking of the female anatomy, how great was it for a couple of Catholic dudes to finally have the chance to share our opinions on reproductive rights? All of that talk about beans sure made me hungry.
Forgive me for any typos, my friend; I’ve had to type this letter with my toes due to having one hand in the cookie jar and the other in the piggy bank. (Here’s hoping I don’t start eating from the wrong one!) Even if there are any errors, I assure you that I said what I meant.
Honey, it’s going to be okay,
Vice President Joe Biden
P.S. Have you decided whether or not you want to purchase that bridge I offered to sell you?
Photo Credit: Andrew Cutraro