The Complex Nature of Domestic Violence and Religion

Domestic abuse is horrific and unacceptable in every case, however, the added component of religion changes the way that social workers, friends, clergy and victims understand domestic violence, cope with abuse, and how they move forward.

I wholeheartedly believe that when a serious incident such as Buffalo’s recent tragedy becomes public, it is imperative that it results in a thought-provoking discussion so that we may all be better informed and more aware of the dangers of abuse.

The first thing I would note is that it is dangerous to approach anything from a strictly secular or strictly religious perspective. Both viewpoints must be considered.

Understanding Domestic Abuse

Both domestic abuse and religion are difficult topics, and they are further complicated by frequent misperceptions of teachings and the blending in of cultural traditions (good or bad) that may not be tied to religion at all.

The notion that Muslim teachings permit the abuse of wives by their husbands is false. Islamic teachings clearly state that the best are those who treat their wives well.

Islamic teachings are not alone when it comes to misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Christian teachings are also misused, like verses from Ephesians commonly used in Christian wedding vows, “Wives submit to your husband, as to the Lord.” (NIV, Ephesians 5:22) When it comes to abuse, the word “submit” has been interpreted by some as a written obligation for women to concede to abuse whether that be in the form of verbal, physical, mental or sexual. Clearly, this is not what was intended by the passage. It begs the question, why are religious teachings to easy to misinterpret?

These old written laws are difficult to understand in the context of today’s society, they have been translated and retranslated into a plethora of languages where meaning or connotation cannot be directly translated. There are thousands of books dedicated to interpreting different translations of holy teachings and written laws. For example, the Ephesians verse extracted earlier from the Christian Bible can also be translated as “accommodate your husband,” challenging the implied notion of male dominance.

We also must consider that a single verse plucked out of its original context changes its meaning even if the words remain the same. For example, that same Ephesians passage goes on the address the duties of a husband stating that “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies,” and calls on men to neither stain nor blemish the body of their wife.

Another explanation of why the written word from thousands of years ago is misunderstood is because society has changed dramatically, and monumental steps have been made toward equality and women’s rights. Even if we aren’t yet where many aspire to be, over the last 2000 years immense progress has been made. So antiquated words from a society unlike our own must be adapted to reflect the progress we, as a society, have made.

The teachings do not permit nor condone domestic abuse, yet it continues in homes with and without religion.

Coping with Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is a crisis, even if the abuser or the victim attempts to belittle the situation. For many, the event of a crisis becomes a time to search for meaning, to seek a motive for a single incident or the meaning of life. And religion gives meaning for things great and small. This is why faith becomes an essential part of life for many people during times of crisis.

Religion asserts purpose in suffering, and many religious people believe that suffering is the will of a higher being meant to punish. Religious victims of abuse may experience feelings of punishment that evoke guilt, shame, self-blame and further suffering. Yet, domestic abuse is never deserved, and the suffering it causes is not the penalty of any sin.

And though religious teachings like parables can offer valuable wisdom, they may also trivialize very complex issues such as domestic violence, seeking a simple solution when there isn’t one.

The range of coping mechanisms is great, and each individual person copes differently, but every person suffering trauma needs support. Personal faith and religious communities can offer tremendous support in times of need.

Religion in this case has the potential to harm, help or do both at once.

Seeking Help for Abuse

Jewish teachings honor peace and tranquility, yet sometimes tranquility is emphasized to keep serious problems within the family, so that conflicts are invisible from the outside. A survey of Jewish families revealed that 61 percent of the families believe that domestic violence is not a problem within the Jewish community, yet the rates of domestic violence in Jewish communities are the same as general statistics.

Also, feelings of shame keep victims of abuse from seeking outside help, even from a Rabbi, pastor or counselor.

Domestic violence is the single major cause of injury to women in America, and nearly one-quarter (12 million) of women will be abused in their lifetime by a partner. Approximately 10 percent of Muslim women are abused by their husbands. Yet, it is taboo for a Muslim woman to speak out against her husband.

It is critical therefore that families understand that religion does not support domestic violence, and that seeking help is the right thing to do.

Result of Domestic Violence

If the victim of abuse chooses to not seek help — whatever the reason may be — the result may be more consequential than they know. If abuse goes untreated, more than likely it will continue and deepen. Psychological abuse can lead to physical abuse, and the range of victims may also extend to include children or animals.

It is especially important to be mindful of children who are victims of domestic violence because the most common factor amongst abusers is that they were once abused themselves. Domestic violence is passed generationally. But seeking treatment for abuse can be a window for change, ending the pattern of abuse.

I hope that by illuminating the dangers of domestic abuse and religion, an open discussion will emerge. Together, we can provide an opportunity for victims to seek help. There are thousands of shelters for victims of abuse that offer a place to go and a person to talk to. And if someone you know is a victim of abuse be conscientious of their faith or religion, as it may be an integral part of coping with their trauma.

Any thoughts or comments are always welcomed.

If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence, please call 1-800-799-7233 (U.S. phone number only).

Read more: womens rights

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Annie C.

8:56PM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Some languages in the world have embedded stress intonations in their accent even though it is not meant to be. So much so that people become unaware that when they use those words verbally, it comes out abrupt and sharp. Even if there is no violence or abuse in the house, some of these languages may sound rough and tough. It is therefore imperative to understand how to use the language properly.

For example: eat. Speaking politely: Have you eaten? Speaking abruptly: Why haven't you eaten?

Another example, packing up: Speaking politely: Let's pack up and go out today. Speaking abruptly and impatiently: Why haven't you packed up yet! We are going out now!

The reactions from both are very very different. It can either lead to harmony of purpose or disharmony of intent.

send a green star

Casey R.

12:18PM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Violence, religion, biology, and culture are all integrated in our identities. What are the connections? Cross species studies reveal common behaviors and common neurophysiological structures, such as the hypothalamus. Aggression, hunger, sex, sleep, and territoriality, muscle control, cortisone release, deception, competition, and memory are all functions of this brain component that we and all land dwelling and much of the sea creatures have.

Our cultures are designed by our biological needs to survive combined with our intelligence to form distinct interpretations of those needs. Religion models alpha male hierarchy strategies wherein a dominant male rules over all with supreme power, or god, who is not challenged. If challenged, and this is KEY TO DOMESTIC ABUSE, the macho-alpha male can destroy his opponent. We see this in wolves, apes, and chickens to humans.

Wars over territory or a man beating his wife over biological impulses for sex, power, or resources. Pride, religion, culture shock U.S. Them thinking is territorial and biologically driven.

Bill Maher said it best in his latest film "Reiliguous: "grow up or die." We are going to nuke ourselves or continue abusing each other till we do mature as a species. You have to recognize who you are to know yourself and understand. What are our limits and potentials of our being
as a species one of millions who also want to survive is a good place to start.

Religion is an art form, theater, literature that's

Suzanne D.

11:06AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Excellent piece, Jessica.
We must all continue to fight domestic violence wherever and whenever it occurs.

Claudia T.

10:31AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Religion must not be used as an excuse to act violently!

Marena C.

8:58AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

I presume that the statistics given above that 10% of muslim women are victims of domestic violence/abuse apply to the US. If they are suposed to represent worldwide statistics, than they are way off the mark. The number is much higher. Very few cases are actually reported due to the feeling of shame by the victim and/or fear of reprisals.

Helen T.

7:55AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Religion is so frequently perverted into an excuse to control others, an elaborate revenge fantasy... that I wonder if perhaps as a species we need to give up the whole concept of God.

Rick F.

6:59AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

Abuse in any form is unacceptable. The perpetrator is in need of a mental health professional and our laws and their enforcement must catch up to stop this insidious behavior. Many times religion confuses the issue as a result of differing authors from various cultures and multiple translations. If a religious teaching is against human respect and dignity then it must be ignored or we will never progress as human beings.

DARRELL R.

6:34AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

The problem I see is young men and boys are not taught that only a gutless coward beats a women.the other problem I see is young or old women do not realize that one hit is one hit to many,and if they stay it will only get worse,because as with any gutless coward they love control over weaker people.Run as if your life depended on it because it surley will one day.If and when a man hits a woman they do not deserve a second chance "SO NEVER GIVE IT TO THEM"
Thanks Darrell(Daddyfats61)Reed

Tierney G.

5:51AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

The womens crisis centers are excellent, at least in Md. They are free for as long as it takes. All it takes is a police report in the state and you get sent a letter on where to go for help. Worth every bit of time. They help entire families if need be.

5:36AM PST on Mar 6, 2009

There is much about domestic violence that is complicated by religion, moral beliefs, and our society. Things have changed in many ways, and more women than ever are standing up, fighting back, getting away, yet the violence continues for others. I lived in a domestic violence situation for many years. I went through all of the drama that played out in my head, and through my abuser. His threats to kill me, his knocking me around in front of my kids, his temper tantrums, that many nights I had to calls the police, and never once did they take him into custody, even though I wanted to press charges. His abuse mentally and emotionally was the worst. The nasty and horrible things he said to me, making me feel more and more worthless as a human and woman. I had all kinds of "reasons" I stayed. From not wanting to put my kids through leaving, worrying about where I would go, what people would believe, the shame, the horror of him following me everywhere I went, all of the things most women and/or men go through in domestic abuse. But, finally I did get out. Thank goodness most of the scars have healed, yet emotionally many remain. The night terrors, the looking over my shoulder, the unsettling feeling at times he could be near. That type of abuse never goes away. It is much like coming home from war, you live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it takes years to try and get over it, many of which never really do.