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Happy Birthmother’s Day! From a Hopeful Adoptive Parent

Happy Birthmother’s Day! From a Hopeful Adoptive Parent

 

Written by Melinda Su

Never heard of Birthmother’s Day? I hadn’t either, until recently.

I’m a single, professional woman who has decided to have a child on my own. It’s not a path I envisioned for myself — I’d still like to meet a guy who will be my life partner — but sometimes you need to be flexible about the journey to get where you want.

The decision to adopt vs. try for a biological child was an easy one for me. I chose adoption because it doesn’t matter to me whether my child is related by blood or not, and I liked the idea of providing a loving home to a child who already needs one. And, as a woman in the “new 30s,” I was pretty certain that odds of conceiving on my own were low, and I didn’t want to deal with the emotional ups and downs of this path — not to mention the expense with unknown ROI.

Next decision I had to make: international or domestic adoption. I went straight to international, hoping to adopt from an Asian country, since I’m Asian American. (As it turns out, most Asian countries don’t allow single women to adopt or if they do, they place restrictions, allowing only a few single women each year to adopt kids over 3 or those with disabilities.) Plus, I’d heard domestic adoption did this strange thing called open adoption, where the birth parents are constantly involved in the child’s life, even after s/he’s been placed for adoption. What?? That seemed entirely too complicated and confusing, and I had fears of my child running back to her birth parents.

But, as I did more research, I came to embrace open adoption, ultimately choosing domestic adoption. The big pro in my mind is the positive impact on a child’s well-being. In contrast to closed adoption, where an adopted child has no contact with and limited information on his birth parents, a child of open adoption is in touch with his birth parents, making it much easier to explore biological roots and understand that he wasn’t “given up” because he wasn’t wanted but instead placed for adoption because he was loved so much.

Open adoption benefits birth and adoptive parents too. By seeing their child in a loving home, birth parents get the peace of mind that they made the right decision. For adoptive parents, birth parents are no longer the mysterious unknown; instead birth parents often become extended family. The amount of contact depends on what the adoptive and birth parents want and agree to. It could be sending pictures twice a year, visiting once a year, or calling every month.

I can’t wait to get to the point where I’m talking with birth parents about how much contact we want. It could be a long road until then, though. In open adoption, birth parents select adoptive parents from among a pile of adoption profiles. It’s like Match.com but adoptive parents play by The Rules — only birth parents can pursue. With so many hopeful adoptive parents out there, it can be tough to stand out. Which is why, at the encouragement of many adoption agencies, hopeful adoptive parents are doing their own marketing: creating a website, sending paid traffic to it, writing a blog, creating a Facebook page, developing a video, handing out business cards, asking family and friends to spread the word. The more people you tell, the merrier: you never know who might know an expectant mom considering adoption.

Next year, I hope to celebrate Birthmother’s Day (the Saturday before Mother’s Day) with my child’s birth mom. Until then, I’m sending warm wishes on May 12 to birth mothers everywhere for their courage and selflessness in choosing adoption.

Check out Melinda’s adoption profile!

 

Related Stories:

Today, Think of the Birth Mothers

Catholic League Says You Aren’t a Real Parent Unless You Give Birth

To Breed or Not to Breed?

 

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Photo from Kitt Walker via flickr

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34 comments

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2:49PM PDT on May 16, 2012

some children really are given up because they simply are not wanted. It is the most painful thing I grew up knowing

10:53AM PDT on May 14, 2012

thanks

5:28AM PDT on May 14, 2012

Best Blessings.

2:46AM PDT on May 14, 2012

As adoptive parents in the 60ties, we are so grateful for the opportunity we were given to raise our son. We thank his birth mother, and hope we did her proud! We already had a daughter of our own, but we have always felt that each one was precious in their own way.

2:44AM PDT on May 14, 2012

Have a wonderful life with your child. Many blessings on you for the future.

8:33PM PDT on May 13, 2012

Please do not bring any more children into the world. We have made it a toxic environment not suitable for sentient beings. There are plenty other unwanted children who are born by the minute.

7:56PM PDT on May 13, 2012

I work as an Adoption Agency Representative and I can guarantee that each and every child that is carried to term can be placed in a loving adoptive home. I'm as much of a "feminist" as the next person, but being able to abort/kill your unborn child is nothing to be proud of. Each of us could have been an "abortion" had our birthmothers so desired…but who would WANT to die in a meat-grinder???? For all of those unplanned pregnancies, I know of families lined up by the HUNDREDS just waiting to embrace & love that unborn child that could end up as an abortion…WHY NOT give life, and ADOPTION, a chance???

6:33PM PDT on May 13, 2012

If I were yet of the appropriate age I would bear you a baby. I'm sure YOUR baby will arrive soon. Anyone who wants children as much as you do ,shall have them. Love and Best wishes!
Happy Mother's Day to you all!

5:12PM PDT on May 13, 2012

Melinda I believe your baby is on it's way to you. When will it arrive, I'm not sure. But, I know the energy you're putting into this will make it so and somehow you find each other. Divine Order.
Terrific article and I wish you the very best.

5:12PM PDT on May 13, 2012

Thank-You. I am a birthmom and Mother's Day has always been a source of unspeakable pain. I am glad to hear about this. Please do me a favor. Please keep the babies mom in the loop of their development. It meant so much to me to know how my children were growing up. Thank-You, again through my broken and healed heart.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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